Teenager refusing to go to school

1981SJ · 2024-05-23T10:14:40+00:00

Does anyone else have this problem I'm so stressed out he's 15 and no matter what I say he refuses to go to school on and off some weeks he's fine others no talking to him, he doesn't care and is not bothered about anything at minute the school aren't very supportive either any advice

MigGirl · 23/05/2024 11:20

Does he have any mental health issues? SEN?

My so says every day he doesn't want to go to school he's 13, I say I don't want to go to work but we don't get that choice in life and I pack him out the door. I just don't give him that option and his Dad doesn't either 🤷. Are school being supportive?

Mumofteens4892 · 23/05/2024 13:03

It's hard to "pack someone out the door" when they are 6ft tall and absolutely refusing to go. This is a horrible situation to be in OP. Been there, done it. I can't offer any advice, I have a 16yr old permanently out of education, and a 14yo home-educated. Some (not all!) schools can be cruel, toxic places, that's all I can say.

MigGirl · 23/05/2024 14:05

Which was why I asked op if school were being supportive.

My DS is already taller then me at 13 and if he really decided he didn't want to go then I probably couldn't force him. But I do think me and his dad constantly reinforcing it helps.

Newtonianmechanics · 23/05/2024 14:10

There us a facebook group not fine in school. It is a godsend.

There is alos a thread on here on ESBA with loyal of people going through the same thing.

Kta7 · 23/05/2024 14:12

MigGirl · 23/05/2024 14:05

Which was why I asked op if school were being supportive.

My DS is already taller then me at 13 and if he really decided he didn't want to go then I probably couldn't force him. But I do think me and his dad constantly reinforcing it helps.

If there are underlying causes, all the positive reinforcement in the world won't help sadly. Very often it's not down to crap parenting!

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 23/05/2024 14:17

My dd 16 is exactly the same. I have taken her to the Drs, waiting on CAHMS (had to go private in the end) school have only this year started to support despite my pleas, she is doing her GCSES now, I know her results won't be what she is capable of but, it was the trade off we had to make for her MH.

Another poster suggested a group for you to check, I really wish I had done sooner. My actions likely would have been different. It is so stressful she is convinced she is autistic.
Maybe start with a GP appointment and get the school to see how they can help. They suddenly get concerned when they are due to take GCSES. My dd has ended up with a reduced timetable.
Good luck.

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 14:31

Why doesn't he want to go? What else does he do, during the day? Is he depressed or being bullied, or struggling with any specific thing? Or just being a little sod?

Have you spoken to the school? Tried to get to the bottom of it? Is he GCSE year or year 10? Have you explained that he will need his exams in order to get a job, and he's jeopardising that. Explain that if he fails his GCSEs through not trying, you won't be keeping him.

I think I'd load up the privileges for after school, and remove them completely when school-refusing.

If my ds refused school with no stated reason that would be his choice but it would also mean no pocket money, no trips, no treats, no phone, no pc, no broadband, no new clothes or trainers. Actions have consequences.

Original poster

1981SJ · 23/05/2024 14:38

He refused to go to the GP, and school even though its took 4 days came today and they offered him a counsellor when they went he went mad saying he's not going to a counsellor there's just no talking to him I'm just hoping it's a phase and praying it passes but I've had this on and off for months I'll join that fb group too so thank you so much

OP posts:

Kta7 · 23/05/2024 14:45

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 14:31

Why doesn't he want to go? What else does he do, during the day? Is he depressed or being bullied, or struggling with any specific thing? Or just being a little sod?

Have you spoken to the school? Tried to get to the bottom of it? Is he GCSE year or year 10? Have you explained that he will need his exams in order to get a job, and he's jeopardising that. Explain that if he fails his GCSEs through not trying, you won't be keeping him.

I think I'd load up the privileges for after school, and remove them completely when school-refusing.

If my ds refused school with no stated reason that would be his choice but it would also mean no pocket money, no trips, no treats, no phone, no pc, no broadband, no new clothes or trainers. Actions have consequences.

It is hard to get your head around unless you’ve been through it yourself, but school refusal is very rarely just down to ‘being a little sod’. One estimate attributes inadequately supported (and often undiagnosed) autism and other neurodiverse conditions to more than 90% of cases of school refusal. All the consequences in the world won’t help and certainly in the case of my DD, she was already giving herself an extremely hard time about the likely consequences in terms of GCSEs and future success.

Please give us parents some credit: we really want them in school and have considered all the obvious stuff. Support for these problems is inadequate and diminishing. There is a large amount of luck involved in effective parenting alongside everything else.

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 14:55

@Kta7 I don't doubt parents' efforts. My ds was utterly miserable in yrs 5 & 6, bored stupid, bullied for being a 'nerd' and started to talk about not going to school. The school were no help at all but at least DS could tell me what was wrong.

I went the other way and moved him to an academic independent (with the help of a scholarship). He's at a school now where liking maths & physics is the norm. Where he fits in.

It's cost me every penny but he's engaged and happy.

That's why I asked what was behind the school-refusing.

Original poster

1981SJ · 23/05/2024 23:44

Meadowfinch · 23/05/2024 14:31

Why doesn't he want to go? What else does he do, during the day? Is he depressed or being bullied, or struggling with any specific thing? Or just being a little sod?

Have you spoken to the school? Tried to get to the bottom of it? Is he GCSE year or year 10? Have you explained that he will need his exams in order to get a job, and he's jeopardising that. Explain that if he fails his GCSEs through not trying, you won't be keeping him.

I think I'd load up the privileges for after school, and remove them completely when school-refusing.

If my ds refused school with no stated reason that would be his choice but it would also mean no pocket money, no trips, no treats, no phone, no pc, no broadband, no new clothes or trainers. Actions have consequences.

I've tried everything taken his computer off him, I don't give him money he's not one for talking about his feelings either I've tried and tried he says he's not being bullied he just hates school, he hates the lessons, I've got so frustrated at times I've told him if he doesn't go to school he's not living here bit realistically he has too. I don't think theres any solution I'm so worried about what he's gonna become he's only got a year left I just don't know what else to try!

OP posts:

whiteboardking · 23/05/2024 23:48

I'd say school pastoral team should be able to help

sheoaouhra · 23/05/2024 23:50

whiteboardking · 23/05/2024 23:48

I'd say school pastoral team should be able to help

And do what exactly?

sheoaouhra · 23/05/2024 23:51

There is nothing you can do once that authority has been lost, and the teen realises there is nothing you can do about it - there is no point in attempting to discipline, he knows you are bluffing.

The only thing you can do at this stage is talk to him, see if persuasion or compromise will get you anywhere

Haggisfish3 · 23/05/2024 23:56

I’m a teacher and in a similar position with my own dd! It’s so hard. I try not to turn it into a battlefield now though. I have a threat I carry out (remove one session of their hobby a week) and add extra in for good weeks. But otherwise I try to make sure they have access to home studying resources and hope we get through it.

whiteboardking · 24/05/2024 07:44

I just mean to try and talk to them about importance of at least a basic education. My DD school refuses on occasion (Yr9) but they have helped and she had some adaptations to help her. Yelling and punishments defo don't work

familyissues12345 · 24/05/2024 08:02

There is a Facebook page that is apparently really helpful, I'll try and find the name of it

familyissues12345 · 24/05/2024 08:03

This one

MamaOdie · 24/05/2024 08:17

We're in the same situation OP, DD hasn't been into school much for the last 12 months. Shes now doing a handful of GCSEs as an independent candidate.
Over the last year we've been in contact with GPs, CAMHS and also Early Help (via the Local Authority). We were assigned a Family Worker and he was so supportive, was able to talk to DD on her level and came to all the school meetings as an ally for us. We ultimately ended up withdrawing her from school as they were so unhelpful and the daily worry of "is she or isn't she going in today" just became too much for all of us.

Hang in there. It's a very stressful situation but you're doing a great job.