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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lost faith

26 replies

Taz19 · 23/05/2024 07:33

Hi,

My DD is now 14, she’s in one of the best girls only schools after passing her entrance exams and since then year on year she’s been amazing.

The past year she’s met a boy who is a complete dead beat, she does not have a smart phone however she’s been using her friends phones in schools hours to contact him and her attitude has completely changed. We’ve had multiple talks, changed her bus route, talked to her friends parents yet she still manages a way to talk to him.

we know this through a family friends daughter in the same school. Last week we caught her in her bedroom with her pocket money in an envelope with his name on it. I questioned her and she said he needs it and I’m going to give it, we said no so she ran out the front door and was missing for 9 hours. The police eventually found her. The whole family gave her love kisses and cuddles and told her this is not the right path. she cried apologised and the next day at school she told all her friends that she is now officially a ‘bad cool girl’ and can do what she likes.

Shes not into much so I’ve nothing to punish her with, and only yesterday I found a smart phone in her bag leant to her by the boy. I listened to the voice messages they have been having back and forth and they are disgusting. I told her off and she said sorry but she is refusing to say she will stop finding a way to talk to him because they are meant to be together. We’ve had family friends talk to her, her cousins even other teenage girls outside the family but nothing is sinking in

I am not sure what to do now as she worked so hard to get into that school, it’s too far for us to pick her and drop her off as she has to take the bus.

I would love some ideas. Right now I’m not speaking to her as I’m fuming, she told my wife that she wants to say sorry to me but she knows I’m angry, she also doesn’t see the point either.

Her grades have dropped, her teachers are worried and this boy who is absolute filthy won’t leave her alone.

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 23/05/2024 07:51

It's tricky but at14 I think the more you try and stop her seeing him the more she's going to rebel. It's unusual for a 14 year old not to have a smart phone too.

If you go with a softer approach, knowing she is seeing him, you might have a chance of setting some realistic boundaries like when and where they meet. What time she comes home etc. Potentially the more you try and keep them apart the further you push her away.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/05/2024 07:52

She's 14, this relationship will not last, unless you push her into thinking they are Romeo and Juliet.
Invite him round to dinner, have him over for family outings, let her see for herself how he fits in or not with the family. Be overly nice. She will carry on seeing him anyway whether you want her to or not, but the relationship will almost certainly come to an end at some point anyway. The last thing you want to do is to create a massive drama and have her think she is a thwarted, misunderstood heroine.

AnthuriumCrystallinum · 23/05/2024 07:55

This is a difficult post to respond to. I can tell you are very proud of your daughter and want the best for her.

She sounds like a lovely, hardworking girl, not to mention a very smart one. A very smart teenager who thinks they are in love will find ways to outsmart any measures you put in place to control her.

I presume what you actually want for her is the same as what I want for my 14 year old daughter - to be happy, healthy and do well academically.

Here is what I would do:

  1. Let her have the smart phone and use it openly on the condition that you can agree, between you, suitable ways in which it will be used and that her academic work does not suffer. For example, ask that she has it switched off over night (perhaps given to you for safe keeping whilst you build trust)
  2. Let her see her boyfriend on the condition that they meet in a public place or at your house and that she is honest with you about when she is with him. Meet him. Now he knows that you know he is much less likely to push her into anything (as before she couldn't have spoken to you about it without getting herself into trouble)
  3. Talk to her about sex. Hopefully that's not something she has any plans for, but at least she'll know she can speak to you about it.

You need to guide her into good decisions rather than try and force them.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/05/2024 07:56

It’s normal for her to want to date and explore with boys, what’s not normal is your behaviour and reaction - you’re damaging your daughter and causing all of this drama!
As others said, invite him over, meet him, welcome him, they’ll soon get bored and find the next person!

HolyGrapefruit · 23/05/2024 07:59

AnthuriumCrystallinum · 23/05/2024 07:55

This is a difficult post to respond to. I can tell you are very proud of your daughter and want the best for her.

She sounds like a lovely, hardworking girl, not to mention a very smart one. A very smart teenager who thinks they are in love will find ways to outsmart any measures you put in place to control her.

I presume what you actually want for her is the same as what I want for my 14 year old daughter - to be happy, healthy and do well academically.

Here is what I would do:

  1. Let her have the smart phone and use it openly on the condition that you can agree, between you, suitable ways in which it will be used and that her academic work does not suffer. For example, ask that she has it switched off over night (perhaps given to you for safe keeping whilst you build trust)
  2. Let her see her boyfriend on the condition that they meet in a public place or at your house and that she is honest with you about when she is with him. Meet him. Now he knows that you know he is much less likely to push her into anything (as before she couldn't have spoken to you about it without getting herself into trouble)
  3. Talk to her about sex. Hopefully that's not something she has any plans for, but at least she'll know she can speak to you about it.

You need to guide her into good decisions rather than try and force them.

This is good advice and what I would do in your situation.

elevens24 · 23/05/2024 08:06

You're on a slippery slope if you're trying to micro manage her friendships and boys. Sounds like you have very high hopes for her which is good, but she's a teenager. They do push the boundaries and your expectations seem very rigid.

Not having a phone is not working. It's very unusual for a 14 year old not to have one. If it was me I'd rethink that, get her a phone but with parental restrictions. Then open up communication about healthy relationships etc.

socks1107 · 23/05/2024 08:06

I would firstly let her have a phone with some controls by you. She's got access to one anyway and will continue. By giving her one you have a level of control over it.

Invite the boy over and make him welcome. I always went the theory that I'd rather get to know the people my children were hanging around with and see it in front of my own eyes. He may not be who or what you expected but I wouldn't fight it. She'll do it anyway.

Faketanisapain · 23/05/2024 08:09

Move very far away. This is my answer to everything stressful and it’s worked for me and my DC but I know it’s not for everyone and probably is not a good coping mechanism in life. My DC aced A levels and now in Uni but they went to 6 different schools in three different countries by the time they were 10.

Apart from that you have to ride out the storm. 14 is a difficult age.

Fififizz · 23/05/2024 08:11

I have a 14 year old DS. They are interested in sex, exploring the opposite sex, exploring all that’s available online, what their peers are are telling them etc. I’m grappling with it all too. He’s definitely not making some great choices and isn’t open but if we don’t try and keep things out in the open they will sneak around anyway. I definitely agree with the post about trying to accommodate and set expectations. Good luck

SavetheNHS · 23/05/2024 08:24

I know you care OP but you come across as very controlling.
Have you ever sat down, calmly and asked her about her thoughts, feelings and what she would like from life?
Maybe she wants more freedom, more independence, more control over her own life. It's very common at this age to want all those things, and it's likely her friends have more independence than her.
It's also common for parents at this stage to struggle letting go and allowing their child more control.
I would try to work together to support her and let her see this boy under your roof. Asking her about her long term goals in life could help her keep on track academically, although you may find that her hopes and dreams don't align with yours. The question then would be, will you still love her if she wants a career/life that isn't what you wanted for her?
Best of luck to all of you

Mischance · 23/05/2024 08:28

In what way is this boy "absolutely filthy"?

Namerchangee · 23/05/2024 08:30

DelphiniumBlue · 23/05/2024 07:52

She's 14, this relationship will not last, unless you push her into thinking they are Romeo and Juliet.
Invite him round to dinner, have him over for family outings, let her see for herself how he fits in or not with the family. Be overly nice. She will carry on seeing him anyway whether you want her to or not, but the relationship will almost certainly come to an end at some point anyway. The last thing you want to do is to create a massive drama and have her think she is a thwarted, misunderstood heroine.

This is really good advice OP, please take heed.

Medschoolmum · 23/05/2024 08:31

When parents are too controlling, teenagers typically rebel. Have seen it time and time again.

MamaSleep · 23/05/2024 08:38

What do you mean by filthy? Have you any way of contacting his parents? Why are they allowed to use phones in school? Have you spoken to school about your safeguarding concerns? They have a duty to keep her safe while she is with them so I would hope they weren’t allowing her to contact someone who is a danger or threat?

minipie · 23/05/2024 08:44

I imagine “filthy” refers to the voice messages the OP has heard. But remember OP, your DD sent messages back, so be careful what descriptions you use.

As PP say, controlling her could really backfire. Agree about inviting him round.

ForensicFlossy · 23/05/2024 08:50

You will destroy what is left of your relationship with your daughter. There's some great advice on this post and I hope you listen. She is growing up and you need to guide that by talking to her and listening. You are trying to control her, she isn't a little girl anymore. And as for not speaking to her because you are angry, grow up. Your dd is learning behaviours from you, so when she decides she isn't talking to you, have a think about where she learnt that behaviour.

ObliviousCoalmine · 23/05/2024 08:58

You're going the wrong way.

Have him over for tea. Have them where you can see them. Completely disarm the "naughtiness" of it.

Teenagers are like bars of soap; the tighter you squeeze them, the further they'll jump out of your hands.

Stylishcooncil · 23/05/2024 09:20

MiddleagedBeachbum · 23/05/2024 07:56

It’s normal for her to want to date and explore with boys, what’s not normal is your behaviour and reaction - you’re damaging your daughter and causing all of this drama!
As others said, invite him over, meet him, welcome him, they’ll soon get bored and find the next person!

I agree with this. You can't punish your daughter because you don't like her choice of boyfriend. What you can do, and already should have started doing, is teach her about good positive relationships, and how to set boundaries. They have to be her boundaries though, not yours.

LakeTiticaca · 23/05/2024 11:30

Any older brothers or male cousins that can go and "have a word" with him?

Octavia64 · 23/05/2024 11:37

At this age, if you tell her off etc it feeds into the "I love him so much but the whole world is against us" narrative.

Teens don't want approval from their family. They are much more interested in their peers (as you have found out when she went to school and boasted).

Telling her off will achieve precisely nothing.

You need to be a lot more cunning.

She wants to disapprove of you and show she is an adult on her own making her own decisions. So you make nice with the boy (no matter how much you dislike him) and get him round your home etc. She is then much more likely to dislike him "ugh mum thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread".

Also at 14 he will do something to piss her off, more likely within weeks rather than months and then they'll break up.
Be grateful this is not happening during actual GCSEs and you can get it out of the way in advance.Grin

Also, get her on birth control. Preferably the implant as the pill can fail.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 23/05/2024 11:42

You sound like you infantilise her a bit.

No smart phone.

No bank card.

"Pocket money" in cash.

My 14 year old girl has a Saturday.job in a pub and a bank account and buys most of her own clothes online.

JuiceBoxJuggler · 23/05/2024 11:43

DelphiniumBlue · 23/05/2024 07:52

She's 14, this relationship will not last, unless you push her into thinking they are Romeo and Juliet.
Invite him round to dinner, have him over for family outings, let her see for herself how he fits in or not with the family. Be overly nice. She will carry on seeing him anyway whether you want her to or not, but the relationship will almost certainly come to an end at some point anyway. The last thing you want to do is to create a massive drama and have her think she is a thwarted, misunderstood heroine.

This.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 23/05/2024 11:45

(PS we don't limit screen time but the phone does go offf at 10pm until 7.30am).

BumpyaDaisyevna · 23/05/2024 11:47

I was interested in the title of this thread "lost faith".

What have you lost faith in@Taz19 ?

MonsteraMama · 23/05/2024 11:49

LakeTiticaca · 23/05/2024 11:30

Any older brothers or male cousins that can go and "have a word" with him?

I'm sorry are you suggesting the OP enlist an adult to threaten a child? Are you joking?

OP the sane advice you've been given about killing this with kindness is the best way. I remember being 14, the things your parents are against are the things you push towards, it's normal. The more you try and separate her from this boy the more she'll fall into Romeo and Juliet syndrome with him. Welcome him with open arms, he'll soon do something dumb and they'll break up. Teenage relationships are generally measured in weeks.

Also with respect stop using the silent treatment to punish your child, be better than that.

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