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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What’s the etiquette with your teen’s BF/GF parents?

14 replies

BumBumCream · 22/05/2024 10:23

DD has a very close male friend. they are both in Y11. He always comes round to our house, DD never goes to his. DD has always been free to have him in her bedroom/in the house when we aren’t there etc as it was just a friendship. I think there is more to their relationship now than just friendship (mostly because they spend less time in the kitchen with me & more time in her bedroom!), but they tell everyone that they are just friends. I am fond of him & have no issues whether they are going out or not, it wouldn’t change how he is treated in our house. DD is on the pill for her periods and has been sexually active in a previous relationship.

DD mentioned to me quite casually last night that the friend’s mum doesn’t like them being alone in the house, and when she’s realised they are together without adults in our house she’s made her son come home. So I assume she thinks there is more to the relationship too! I feel a bit responsible now for the fact that even when I’m in the house I’m not directly supervising them or ensuring nothing physical can happen. But then they could just go out for a walk and be totally unsupervised in the woods anyway!

it’s a bit complicated as they aren’t officially going out either! But what’s the etiquette here? Are you supposed to draw up agreed boundaries with the other parents?

OP posts:

Mindblownawaybyfog · 22/05/2024 10:26

Over 16 they have no right to dictate. Under 16 I was fuming dd16 was allowed to share a bed with bf 15..it made me look at his dm in a different way tbh.. Imo dc need us to enforce boundaries to be able to respect them.
And us!! No under age drinking here either..

Octavia64 · 22/05/2024 10:28

I've never been involved in drawing up boundaries with gf or bf parents.

You set your own boundaries for your house.
Bad idea to try and influence what oth er a do.

ARichtGoodDram · 22/05/2024 10:28

With my elder 3 I always had our house/our rules, but made sure other parents were aware if there was anything they might not like so they could tell their child not to come round.

So when DD2 had a friend who wasn’t allowed in friends houses if there were any boys, her parents were made aware that DS1 may have friends in for example.

Same with any parties/mix sleepovers/alcohol/swimming etc. parents aware of house rules here and could decide for their child if they were allowed.

His parents are already aware they’re not always supervised in your house so I wouldn’t do anything.

FunLurker · 22/05/2024 10:30

Your daughter is on the pill and hopefully using protective if sexual active. Who with is none of your business but it is your business if in your home. If your uncomfortable with them having sex in your house tell her. With regards to the other parents I wouldn't actively tell them but I also wouldn't lie. As you mentioned they can go for a 'walk' if they want. Also if their happy with their relationship they don't need to label it, as long as their honest.

Travelban · 22/05/2024 11:05

It is a difficult one but I agree that your house, your rules. I didn't like the BFs being always at our house when they were under 16 as I felt i had to/needed to constantly supervise and it became a huge drag. (But did it anyway). After 16 I was way more relaxed.

Never had parents approach me but I did approach dd's ex's mum but they were only 13 and I wanted to make sure we were on the same page (we were). At 16 plus I wouldn't and haven't..

Floralnomad · 22/05/2024 11:09

You do what you are comfortable with in your home and they organise theirs absolutely no need to agree anything

Hoppinggreen · 22/05/2024 11:18

DD had a BF from around 14 and we did have certain rules around bedroom door open etc but the BF Mum did get in touch and invited me for a coffee. We did discuss what we felt comfortable with in our own houses and agreed to have an overall policy. As they got older and things progressed (sharing room etc) we both discussed this with the DC in an appropriate way.
We weren't over the top or anything just when we take DD/DS away with us are you comfortable with them sharing a room or similar - I like to think that we navigated it pretty well

mondaytosunday · 22/05/2024 11:26

My son had a GF from 15. Once they turned 16 her mum and I spoke and agreed it would be ok for them to share a room rather than sneak around. Im sure they'd had sex before that even though we put them in separate bedrooms if they stayed over.

Samlewis96 · 22/05/2024 14:19

Never even met parents of my kids boyfriends/girlfriends. Only met my daughters mother in law twice and she's been married nearly 8 years and with husband nearly 12 years ( she was 17 when they ne)

Original poster

BumBumCream · 22/05/2024 22:21

I don’t mind them having sex in my house. I learnt already that it will happen anyway if they want to, and I would rather it’s safe!

He is old for the year and DD is younger for the year, she’s almost 16. So possible that his mum has concerns about that.

You’re right that she’s managing her own boundaries with him though, getting him to come home if he tells her no adults are there…

OP posts:

PersephoneSeethes · 23/05/2024 14:29

I think both parents talking and explaining what they both feel comfortable with is a mature and sensible approach, so that neither party feels aggrieved. I was listening to the Teenagers Untangled podcast and this was their approach, it seemed very balanced.

We are in a similar situation to you, but our son goes to their house a lot, the other parents are very relaxed, ultra permissive. However, their daughter is a whole year older than our son, for whom this is his first girlfriend.

I wish they had talked to us first, it would have saved a whole lot of resentment and worry.

Jarstastic · 23/05/2024 15:19

I wouldn't be comfortable with this as boy's mum, particularly if he's over 16 and she's under 16.

You're right, they may just go to the woods, but in our experience they can't be bothered.

Original poster

BumBumCream · 24/05/2024 08:15

I think if it hadn’t come up organically I would probably have talked to the mum about it, although to be totally honest I would have assumed she wasn’t bothered as she’s quite hands off in general and he’s the youngest child! I’m actually seeing her tonight at a meeting…

OP posts:

Marblessolveeverything · 24/05/2024 08:26

I would be concerned at a 15 year old having sex boy or girl. I appreciate that it is not unusual (and hypocritical I was that soldier) but I do worry about them having regrets later.

I think in situations where there isn't the teen all encompassing relationship then looking back may lead to them feeling emotionally vulnerable.

i would be very concerned and protective of my son at 16 having sex with anyone below 16. And would be the mother not allowing them unsupervised time. I know I couldn't prevent but I sure as hell could make it more difficult.

I have it drummed into him it could destroy his life and allegation from a minor. Thankfully his girlfriend is a little older.

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