Teenagers moved to their dad's

[Spinachandcheese]

And ignoring me/being rude in messages. Refusing to chat, refusing to meet up.
I've been trying to make things better for ages by working on how i react to them and trying to make a home they want to be in. I don't want drama I just want kindness and peace and consideration of others...
They weren't into that so after the latest incident they've moved out.
Incidents include them being loud and hyper keeping the younger children awake, being mean to them, them bullying me for lack of any better word, them refusing to work with any sort of punishment (their dad aka abusive ex husband with way more money took away options like WiFi ban thus undermining me), and me losing my temper with shouting and trying to grab stuff off them or kicking them out or eventually when I thought better of trying to bundle a 14 year old boy out of the house (yes he could safely go to his dad's), I left the 16 and 14 year olds at home, myself going out with the younger children, only to come home to find significant damage to the house.
My solicitor is useless as is the contact agreement we had in place. In desperation I even called social services today (answerphone). I just want to keep some kind of contact and ideally work through the issues. Their dad is against this as evidenced by a recent email warning me off contacting the eldest to try and sort things out. He is at least on email of the opinion that they've done nothing wrong and it's all my fault.

Any advice welcome. Thanks.

Ps any slating please be gentle I've been having literal heart pain over this after days of poor sleep.

The most perfect parents i have come across has been on mums net.
Or they think they are.
I do have children maybe the other poster dont who knows.
Any one can have an opinion.

At 14 one ds went nc with me when I tried to enforce rules and boundaries. Didn't see him for a year while exh allowed drugs and drink. I pretty much left him to it. He came back a year later having seen the error of his ways.. Back off one op. Conserve your own well being. Or you won't be a decent dm to anyone.

Just wanted to come back to say thank you all truly for sharing your points of view I had a good sleep last night for the first time in days 😊

You need respite from this awful situation.

At least they are safe so let them go, because you can't carry on like this.

If you chase a dog it will keep running, so don't do it, and wait for them to come back to you, BUT when that time comes it must be on your terms.

@Spinachandcheese I had a hard time a few years ago with DD who was displaying volatile and threatening behaviour. She ended staying at her dads out of choice and she even blocked me on the phone I pay for so I couldn’t get in contact.
Fast forward 18 months she’s now settled down, working hard for exams but though slightly volatile has been living more at mine than her dads like at 70/30 split.
My point is they will come back.
Use this time to recover, think and have a plan in place for when they do come home. I did this when my DD was going through this phase. Sometimes I’m ashamed to say, I was quite relieved when she didn’t come as I did feel under threat.
I do not blame you for losing your temper but once teenagers see this it is game over. They want you to lose control so work on this too. Wishing you all the best 💐

I think you should leave them to calm down for a while, not try to make them come home or bring up any issues, and maybe in a week or two try to get them to come visit and then from there to stay at weekends for now

This. Just let them hang as they grow.