DD - ED and self harm

[Judgementalbadgerface]

Recently we’ve found out that DD, 13, has been self harming and is now into eating disorder territory (previously was increasingly fussy, but has now started restricting foods significantly and researching anorexia, talking to friends about it on messages).

We have got help in place with referrals to relevant services and actually have an ED clinic appointment in just two weeks, which seems incredible. She has started counselling already.

She seems a bit brighter with all this in place but I honestly didn’t notice her getting depressed or low moods before she had a big crisis. She’s been increasingly anxious since starting secondary, and had some panic attacks last year, but generally she is engaged in family life, happy with friends, has hobbies and is busy with plans and groups at school. She is fiercely competitive and drives herself hard (which we have tried to manage). I just feel so disappointed in myself that I’ve not seen that she was struggling.

Ive been looking back and now wonder if I’ve ever been a good enough mum to her and if there’s things I’ve done that have made her like this. I can’t comprehend being so unhappy as to deliberately hurt myself. She has had limited social media use (only WhatsApp, checked regularly until earlier this year when ironically I thought I could relax as it was always so mundane). She doesn’t spend a lot of time alone or on the internet.

There have always been some signs of autism that I had wondered about and I now wonder if that is the case. If so, how can I actually help her with that? I’m reluctant to start down a diagnosis pathway that could take years and stress her out more.

Just feel a bit hopeless about it all right now, would welcome any thoughts. I know we are so so lucky to have had appointments through quickly and feel very grateful for that but just feel so sad to be here.

How much time does she spend on social media ? I really feel for kids these days being constantly bombarded with images of perfect looking people. No wonder there is so much mental health with youngsters I'm sure it's not because you have been a bad mum !

Sorry just seen she's not on social media !

Don't blame yourself - the best thing is to focus on her, and getting help that she needs. Fantastic that she is already getting therapy - is the therapist a specialist, and does your daughter feel a connection with her? Great that she has an appointment at an ED clinic. With ED it can sometimes be more of a marathon than a sprint - catching it as early as possible is key, as well as a mental emotional understanding of why she feels she needs that control.
Try and keep relationship with her, and communication lines open. It can be a hard disease to understand.

It’s a counsellor rather than a therapist, but DD was really positive following the first session. I didn’t ask too much about it but it sounds like they focused on anxiety and coping strategies.

I am hopeful we have caught the ED early. Just feels a bit shocking to be in this place overall. We have a really stable family life. Or I thought so anyway. It feels like she’s quite child like until recently and is suddenly into quite scary territory.

I remember speaking with an adolescent psychiatrist once about eating disorders and self harm in teenage girls in a general way, not about my own child.
She said one of the things that can be hard is trying to keep some perspective and not over react. She said some level of each is incredibly common, and often grown out of. She suggested general support, trying not to make it a massive focus, while keeping a keen eye open for the more serious cases.
I obviously have no idea about the depth of your daughters case or suffering, I just wanted to possibly reassure that it might not be as bad as all of us as parents probably swing to in our minds.
Good luck with all of it.

Thanks @Bobbie12345 that is a helpful and reassuring perspective. One of the things I am finding hard is that I haven’t had an opinion from a doctor about how bad things are if that makes sense? So I’m trying to read between the lines about how quickly appointments are going in etc.