How do I manage my screen obsessed 12 year old?

[MrsLeavemealone]

This is in the teenage section as I thought it might resonate more with parents of those age.

I have 3 dc, the 2 older children, both sociable, one academic, one not so much but both engaged and have good work ethics. My parenting style is more relaxed.

Youngest ds is 12, always been a very laid back personality. Became screen obsessed very quickly, even as a young child. I've managed to get him away as much as I can (difficult as had 2 other children) but recently it's gone up a huge level. He doesn't seem to know what to do with himself if he's not looking into a screen.

He barely goes out and cannot be bothered with anything at all. He has never really enjoyed any sports, I've really encouraged him with football/cycling/rugby but they have mostly fallen by the wayside as he makes a huge fuss not to go.

He has has always been on the fringes of a social group. We moved area so he started a new school from primary to secondary. It was good for him as he has made a couple of friends and sees them at weekends. He is a bit insecure about friends.

I feel like I nag him all the time, every day to wash/brush teeth etc otherwise he just won't do it! He leaves stuff everywhere so I have to make him pick up after himself. It seems that every conversation with him is me nagging him. He can chat to mates, but in family events, it's a struggle to get a conversation out of him.

He has no motivation whatsoever, to do anything. I have found out that he sneaks into the shop after school and buys sweets/junk food. He is now looking overweight and unfit.

Have I done something to make him so unmotivated? I was thinking he needs a complete screen detox. Has anyone done this? Any advice would be really welcome. I work full time in a high stress job and have 2 other children so life is really busy - please be kind :-(

oh op I feel you so much with tthis.

Life is so hard and who wants to be constantly nagging their kids? I have a 12 year old - a lot of similarities although the only thing saving mine is he is very sporty - so that gets him out a lot. But - just like you say - my son is obsessed not only with screens but sweets/ sugary crap - I actually think we are sleep walking into a health crisis like smoking with sweet stuff and kids.

the children I see around this age are literally shovelling bags and bags of sweets into themselves at every moment they can. And scrolling scrolling on screens.

I don't have wisdom but what I suppose I think is that we need to stop being afriad of our kids being bored if we are genuinely going to set screen limits.

Do you think he is nueurdiverse? I mean - some level of disorganisation is v normal at this age but - do you think he is struggling socially?

I think all you can do is set very clear liimits - and tell him if he wants to game / have screen time he needs to think about how to fill the rest of his time.

Sit down with him and say look you need a couple of hobbies let me help?

and with the nagging - I do it myself - its so hard, but could you pull back a bit on that stuff while dealing with the screens?

btw I have also been thinking of a screen detox for my own 12 year old. but im actually scared of telling him.

I have 2 DC around this age. We are pretty controlling with screens via screen time settings. They get limited time and no requests for more. We've also had to go cold turkey when they've got in the habit of too much for example when recovering from illness (or when I was).

I find it's best just to set the rules and not explain them too much. Dh is even more hardline and just reminds them the devices do not belong to them they belong to us if they start asking for more. They've tried to get around the settings but haven't so far succeeded.

they usually mope around a bit but then find something useful to do. Drawing, music, reading, board games, even a bit of actual playing with toys still occasionally. But you have to go through the pain when they're whining at you and neither of you believe they'll ever find anything else to do.

Oh and we also don't give them any money so they can't buy stuff from the corner shop. They can buy food at school via the canteen fingerprint system and that's bad enough, too many cakes and waffles but at least no crisps sweets or chocolate. They have money on a card if they need it ie going out with friends pre agreed spending. It does depend what your dc are like of course and what's normal among their friends but ours have friends with similar set ups in general.

I hear you OP. It is really hard.

The advice I've mostly been given by people who have been through it - including Dnephew who was a screen obsessed teen himself - is to hunker down and wait till they get a girlfriend/boyfriend.

In the meantime, I'm not sure about a total screen detox. One mum I know did it with good results, but she is much more hardcore than me. And her DS is now immersed in a non-screen hobby that I wouldn't like mine getting into.

You could also take an interest in the games he's playing, maybe even have a go yourself. He's more likely to talk to you that way. Given the choice between being "the enemy" and "the ally who just wants you to stay healthy", I'd pick the latter.

Cold turkey. Have to do it periodically with both kids. They are like different children within a week. To the point that they'll acknowledge they feel quite different.

And before people pile in, every possible control is on their devices, time limited and the rest. But they just go through phases of total absorption and the impact on their sleep, behaviour, and frankly sheer wits to get out of their own way etc is massive

Thank you all for your kind replies. He does struggle a little socially. I don't want to stop it completely as a lot of his school friends are on there too.

I'd love for him to get a girlfriend in a few years and get out of this phase!

DD is 12 and had 10 minutes per day on her phone in the week and 20 minutes at weekend. Her phone turns on at 10am and off at 6.30pm (she can always make calls). She isn't allowed any social media apart from YouTube (my Google account). She can use my or DH's computer for schoolwork when needed, but luckily that is rare. At the weekends she can't watch TV before 10h, and before she has had breakfast and got dressed (and a few other little chores - open the blinds in her bedroom, make her bed, tidy away her breakfast things), and she can't watch all day! At 9pm in the week she goes to bed and can read for 30 minutes (so no screen before sleeping.)

She wants more screentime; we just say no.

Actually I've found waiting it out is a fairly effective strategy with my two (11 and 12). The novelty dies down, the weather improves and as soon as I put the hot tub out in the garden - they're out there loads, and the eldest rediscovers crafts periodically as well. I find leaving alternative activities available and easily accessible (so we have a bookshelf of things I know they love to read on the landing outside their bedrooms, craft supplies easily accessible in a crafting nook of one of our home office rooms etc) helps a lot. Their screen use tends to go up during the winter when the weather's crap and falls back when summer hits.

Added to say - I found putting tight restrictions on just made things so much more desirable - it's boring when it's not restricted like that for my two (but DD1 in particular will be drawn to anything she thinks I don't want her to be).

I ruined my 12 year olds life last week because I took her phone and ruined her snap streak… when she’d calmed down I reminded her Snapchat was on trial and I’m not keen on her having it so that level of obsession wasn’t winning me over.

we only allow phones downstairs and they stay on the docking station overnight (16 yo has her phone upstairs but she still chooses to bring it down when she goes to bed). But, between school and dinner I’m working and they just sit on their phones. I don’t know how to change it so I’m reading with interest.

Mine use it for their school homework app so 10 minutes would be gone very quickly. All the schools round here do it. You can log on via laptop but it’s a lot easier on the app.

You can set it so the homework app has more time allowed than other apps. Mine have Spotify from 7am- 10pm, teams for homework unlimited, maps unlimited, calls unlimited, everything else locked down massively and always has been. Dd first had a phone at 7 but it could only call or text dh and me and we could track her, but we removed all other apps altogether. You can remove safari and App Store if it's an iPhone