Teenage niece

[Nogodsnomasters]

Hello,

My children are still primary school age so I have no experience with teenagers. My 17yr old DN has experienced a few different trauma's in the last few years and is definitely depressed. She has started smoking weed very regularly. She has moved out of her mum's house and into her grandparents house due to constantly fighting with her mother. She left school with great GCSE's but the in the last year she has dropped out of 6th form, joined college and dropped out of that, and left 2 jobs as well. She says she can't cope being around people. She tells lies to different adults in the family to cover up quitting jobs or cover up smoking weed as she doesn't want to listen to the lectures. She went to the GP who refused SSRI's but put her on a wait list for counselling about a month ago but other than that she's doing nothing productive or proactive.

I am really worried about her. I check in with her on the phone either text or video calls a few times per week and I've taken her out for a hot chocolate plus invited her to my house this week to spend time with me and my children. If I try to tell her she shouldn't be doing something she just shuts down doesn't respond changes the topic. What can I do to help? I feel like there's got to be something else we can try.

Just coming to say keep doing what you are doing, minus the advice-giving. She sounds like she's going through a rough phase but from your post I think some of this is typical teen stuff. If she is coming to see you and your family, and communicating with you often, that is a big win. Keep it going, be a safe and non-judgmental person, and just BE there, listen, and try not to respond or opine. It can be very difficult! But keep that relationship strong. It's probably what she needs most right now (stable and loving adults who are there for her). Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. It's SO difficult not to give advice but tbh majority of it is not taken on board anyway so I guess what is the harm in trying to resist it for a while.

I think it’s lovely what you are doing for your niece and agree don’t give any advice unless it’s asked for as you will just push her away. Just keep the communication lines open and do some fun things with her. If nothing else it will give her something to look forward to and she will know you are there for her.

If she does open up eventually try not to be judgmental or shocked and thank her for trusting you. She may think that you will tell her mum/grandparents if she confides in you so it’s important to establish trust first.

Thank you, I have tried to stop giving advice now and hope that is the right thing. She has opened up to me a fair bit regarding her trauma's and that she's not coping with life which is great that she feels able to talk to me about these and I always try to just be a listener and empathetic but it's so frustrating and heartbreaking to see her almost stuck in this freeze state where she is not doing anything productive and doing detrimental things like drinking and smoking weed.