Help with ds’s girlfriend please!

[LostFrog]

I’m worried about ds(17)’s relationship. He’s been seeing his gf for a few months and she seemed fine at first, if a little full on. Alarm bells were ringing when he was asking me to make excuses for why she couldn’t stay round 2 nights in a row - he didn’t want to tell her himself. Then he’s been late back from her house multiple times because she was upset, or crying, and didn’t want to be alone. She writes him love letters and sends gifts all the time. She doesn’t go to college, or work, and has no friends - she has seemingly fallen out with everyone she has ever been friends with. She doesn’t stop him seeing his friends, but I get the impression she doesn’t like it (she gate crashed when he had some friends round for a sleepover). Their relationship has become more volatile and they had another big bust up last night - he wouldn’t tell me what about. He’s asking for her to come round tomorrow as if it’s all fine - I am getting uncomfortable being around her as I don’t trust her. This isn’t his first serious relationship and in fact he split up with his last girlfriend because she was quite controlling, I feel like this time it’s even worse but he won’t discuss it and I don’t know what to do.

I feel for you. Our dd had something similar at the sane age, and no matter what we did, he wormed his way back in. They constantly broke up and she was always showing us his abusive and controlling messages.

She'd always been quite assertive and confident before, but he destroyed her.
We ended up not allowing him to stay over, after what we'd hoped was their final break up, but we became the bad guys, and other family members let him stay there, which didn't help and meant the relationship dragged on longer than it would've otherwise.

They split a year ago, but it has left her badly damaged mentally, and she is intent on self destruction atm, and doing all the things he didn't approve of (drinking to excess, wearing very revealing clothes, smoking cigs and weed, having random hook ups at clubs whilst drunk, etc).

Our relationship is still suffering, but I know we did the right thing to not condone his behaviour, otherwise she'd still be with him, we think.

Whatever you do, it won't be appreciated (for now, at least). We just hope once she's matured she realises we had her best interests at heart.

That sounds awful. I hope your daughter will eventually see that you were trying to protect her. I said to dh that if it was the other way round and we had a dd with a bf, we’d have no hesitation, and he agreed.

I’m really undecided whether to allow her back in as it were, so that I can see what’s going on and not drive him away OR to put my foot down and call it out - he just doesn’t seem to see it. He says he needs to be careful what he says around her as she is so emotional and easily hurt 😡.

This sounds very similar to a relationship my now adult son had at the same age. The girl was a nightmare. Constantly texting, calling even in the middle of the night. He wasn't 'allowed' to go out with mates and she didn't like the fact that we had a good relationship. I wanted to talk him but DH said to leave him to sort it out.
It's a long story but they split after about 4 years (because she saw his foot on a photo a friend had posted SM) and then went and shagged one of his mates. This is when I said my piece and basically said that she was ruining his life and this was his chance to finish it once and for all. Luckily he did and has gone on to have a great life and is now married. Hold on in there OP. Don't fall out with him, show how much you love and support him. I would also encourage him to socialise with his friends without her. Very best of luck OP

The exact same tactics that our one used,such manipulative behaviour.
I'd be careful about letting her come between you and your son. You could allow her to the house but make it clear you are doing it to support him.

I think I'd find a time to have a talk to your Ds about how he's feeling. I know it's not easy getting teenage boys to talk but you could say you're a little bit concerned and give examples of why, then see what he says.

What was he like before? How emotionally aware and astute was he. Does he know / have experiences of what a loving relationship looks like? It is worrying that he can not see this relationship for what it is. When You ask him to describe it, or ask what an outsider would say about the relationship, what does he think?

This was my then 16yr old DS last year. His gf completely took over his life. His mates pulled away from him because they didn't like her. She decided who he could and couldn't be friends with. He is football crazy, follows our local team home and away... he lost that love of the game, she tried to stop him from going to the matches or insist that she went with him. That's just a few of the things she done.

Everyday I was watching my son become someone I didn't recognise, he went from being such a happy young lad to looking so bloody miserable and depressed. I was ready to step in and have my say, but luckily he found a way out.... she wanted to take a break from their relationship, a few says later she changed her mind, but DS held strong and refused to take her back.

I was so proud of him for finally taking back control of his life. It destroyed me watching him slip further and further away from the person he was before he met her. I tried many times to drop subtle hints that something wasn't right with their relationship, but I didn't want to risk him pulling further away from me. It's not just adults that find themselves stuck in toxic and emotionally abusive relationships.

thanks everyone. Yes id like to think he knows what a good relationship looks like, dh and I have been happily married 20 years! He won’t talk to me but dh caught him in a more pliable mood earlier and I think he got somewhere. She is round this evening and it’s all rosy, I think you’re all right that not allowing her here would drive him away and I don’t want that.

We don’t have an easy relationship. I love him but he’s not easy to live with at the best of times. I can only hope that his stubborn streak will be what saves him in the end.