What do you say/do if you think your dd might have some eating issues?

[0tterintheriver]

I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and making it worse.

She has chosen healthy foods for some time now but now it seems to be more extreme and asking for smaller portions and sometimes only eating half a plate of food. I don't know if she eats lunch.

I'm really worried but don't know what to say

Bump

My daughter has disordered eating and has done for about 18 months. She controls everything she eats but does not under eat and hasn't lost any weight.

She sees a therapist and we talk openly about it- she knows it's not 'normal'. I am not going to force any interventions on her because I know my daughter and I know that would cause far worse problems than what we're dealing with.

However if she were losing weight or being secretive I would have to take a different approach. Have you thought about contacting Beats? They're an eating disorder charity.

There's a great thread on here (well whole series of them) on eating disorders in teens/adolescents which has lots of support and advice.

Found it
Support thread 12 for parents of young people with an eating disorder | Mumsnet

Oh thank you. I'll have a read. I'd like her to talk openly to me but she's so secretive about everything

I started reading that thread and it's making me very worried. I can't go down that road with her 😔

I used to be on that thread when DD was diagnosed with Anorexia in May 2021 at 15.

You don’t say how old your DD is? Eating disorders thrive on secrecy and “not saying anything”. One thing that is universal on the teen eating disorder thread is that we all wish we had done something sooner. If you are worried then you have every right to be. All inaction will do is allow the disordered thinking and behaviours to take a hold and become entrenched.

Do you think your daughter has lost weight? If she’s being secretive then there is already a problem in my opinion.

She is 15. I think she may have lost weight yes.
She has always had a tendency towards obsessive behaviours and is a high achiever and very driven.

If I speak to her is it better to say something like

'Hey I've noticed you seem to be quite stressed about what we are eating, do you need any help, can we talk about it?'

Or

' I've noticed you're not eating much, you know your brain needs food to work'

So please may I ask, what would you have done sooner? I really want to know.

I've had issues many years ago but just quite restricted eating. So I think I can see what's happening

Hi, so sorry you are going through this.
One thing about ED is that the earlier they are caught the better, so please do act.

If she is losing weight it is really quite urgent.

BEATS are great, and talk to your GP too.

I was quite open with my DD and said ‘I’ve noticed that you’re losing weight. Why is that happening?’ We do have a close relationship and are used to speaking frankly to each other so she was honest with me. She was obviously ready for the intervention at that point but it must be a lot harder with kids who are secretive or who are not ready to confront their problem. Even so, as their parent you have the right to tell them you’re taking them to the Dr as you’re concerned about their health.

You do anything and everything but sometimes, you can't actually make them change their behaviours. I talked to mine with all the understanding in the world, but it just made her more secretive. It started at the same age after someone at school said something to her (she was a healthy weight). Try talking first. Therapy might be a good idea.

@0tterintheriver i wish I had not believed her when I queried for the umpteenth time if there was a problem and was she actively trying to lose weight and she reassured me that everything was fine. We have a very good close relationship and so I trusted her when she told me she was fine. But the reality was that she was restricting to less then 500 calories daily, her periods had stopped and she was in the grips of Anorexia. I made DD weigh herself in front of me and she couldn’t hide it any longer. I sought advice on the ED thread where posters urged me to take DD to A&E because of how much she was restricting. Thank heavens I did as there they discovered that her heart rate was dangerously low and she was kept in for a week.

I don’t think you need to fixate too much on finding the right words. It is more about what you do now rather than what you say. You are aware and you are concerned and that is a good thing. In the short term you need to regain control of what she is eating. So no more “healthy eating” and no more half portions. I realise this is easier said than done. In the longer term you need to find out what is triggering this and talking therapies are an excellent place to start.

What is her friendship group like? Could any of her friends be struggling? ED’s are highly competitive and if one friend is repeatedly bringing in a box of lettuce for her lunch than that is going to potentially impact on the others. You say you don’t know whether she’s eating at school but ideally you need to find out.

It is important to understand the nature of eating disorders. I fully believe that it is very much down to personality type; sufferers are almost always anxious, high achieving perfectionists (describes DD to a tee). They may have poor body image/dysmorphia also. This is where talking therapies come in handy to unpick and gently challenge their thought processes. But it is equally important to know that full blown eating disorders are triggered by the actual weight loss. It is like the weight loss flicks a switch in their brain. And then you have an entirely different beast. You really want to prevent this from happening.

I really recommend posting on the Teen ED thread as you will receive outstanding support and guidance there. Everyone posting has been through a loved one suffering from an ED in varying degrees. You could also make an appointment with your GP. However sometimes that can not be as helpful as you’d think. If your GP takes it seriously then great but if they send you away saying there’s not a problem then they could do more harm then good and reinforce to your DD that she isn’t unwell (enough). If you do go to your GP go armed with as much information as you can, what she weighs (is she likely to be underweight?), how much she is eating in a day, how long has this been a problem, etc.

I am so sorry that you are going through this but you have posted here which is great as it means you are following your instincts that all is not well. 💐

Rollergirl11 I just wanted to point out that not all are high achieving perfectionists.
My sd with an eating disorder was anything but this in terms of personality, she under achieved in almost all areas of her education and was the absolute opposite of a perfectionist. It often appeared she didn't care less about things. School work, appearance,doing chores - all done with least effort involved and often half a job.
I wandered at time was it because she was so hungry that she didn't have any energy.

I don't want to knock what you've seen and experienced but equally this op could think my daughter doesn't fit that so we are ok.

My daughter was a super achiever and perfectionistic. She had so much going for her. What kept it going was when she lost weight and got encouraging comments commending her on her weight loss from peers. I also believe she was autistic. Many girls who have eating disorders are and quite possibly undiagnosed. I think this was the missing piece of the puzzle that might have actually helped my daughter.

@socks1107, similar experience here with DD. She is academically reasonably capable but has never pushed herself- always done the bare minimum and ‘coasted’. Definitely not a perfectionist nor a particularly high achiever. She has just been assessed for ADHD so we await the results of that.

Thank you so much for your reply.
I don't think she has used weighing scales so that is good. Well ours don't work so unless she has done it somewhere else then that's something.
No idea about her friends, but one is very naturally slim.
She ate a good dinner last night so I haven't said anything yet.
She is a perfectionist and has obsessive tendencies