Online new long distance 'romance'

[adviceforworriedmum]

I really could do with some perspective / advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

DD is almost 18. Recently passed her driving test, broken up with long term boyfriend, A levels are looming and works part time.

DD was on a facetime call last night to a lad - same age, seems very pleasant and well spoken. Apparently he messaged her on Snapchat / Insta etc and they got talking. He lives around 130 miles away (a 2.5 hour drive) and has offered to pay for petrol for DD to go and see him. He does not drive yet. They have been chatting for about a week.

My alarm bells have gone off the scale. DD is talking about driving to see him and staying there a few days because of the distance involved. I know she is an adult soon, and can do what she wants, but this whole thing does not sit right with me or my DH. We are not helicopter parents, but we have no idea who this lad and his family are, and have said it isn't safe for her to do this. Plus the practicalities of 'dating' someone so far away are far from ideal.

Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to handle this? Please be kind - I'm in overdrive thinking about what could go wrong and I'm not sure what to do for the best.

TIA

The answer from me would be no. She's not an adult, she still lives in your home, she hasn't been driving long enough, and it's an all around terrible idea. Would it be your car she's driving?

Hi op.this reminds me of a situation I got into at the same age as your daughter..I had a big crush on a guy who lived a few hours away. I'd actually met him and we had mutual friends...but when I went to stay with him it was the most awful overly intimate experience

I felt totally under oressure to sleep with him...I realised as soon as I was there I barely knew him and real intuitive connection cant take place until you spend real time together

I would feel just like yoi even if she was much older its very risky

Can you suggest they do a day trip half way before any further plans. She needs to avoid awkwardly being stuck there

Absolutely no. Do they have any shared friends or is he a complete stranger? If stranger, I'd say there's no/little chance he is who he says he is.

Speak openly with her without sounding like you’re having a go. Tell her you’re happy she’s met someone who she enjoys chatting with but you’d really be happier if she arranged their first meet up in your home town. He could get a train/bus down and you could offer up a spare room etc so you can mildly supervise. If this fails I would Insist on speaking with his parents, see some ID of his etc. At the end of the day if she wants to meet this person she will but it’s better if she feels that she can be open about it with you.

Thank you to all of you for replying and offering your advice and thoughts on this. I will endeavour to answer some of your questions.

DD has her own car so doesn't need to borrow mine or her dad's.

This lad is a complete stranger - they met on Snapchat. No mutual friends at all as he lives so far away.

I'm not happy about asking him up here to stay - plus we don't have the room to accommodate him. I also have two much younger teens in the house, so I need to think of them too.

@waterrat I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. This is my fear also.

I tried to have a chat to her again today, but things she has said about this lad just keep triggering more alarm bells. DD says she won't drive to see him yet - but she hasn't ruled it out completely by the look of it. I have suggested they stay as friends and just chat, because the distance involved is far too great. DD does not seem convinced it is a problem at all.

I am really worried about how this situation is potentially developing, and I'm seriously considering speaking to Safeguarding at her school (who are fantastic) to see if they can help in any way. DD may not be happy with me if I do, but if it keeps her safe, it will be a small price to pay.

Thank you all again.

Listen to Shelagh Foggerty's show on LBC this afternoon on Global Player. In fact make your
DD listen to it. It's a definite no from me.

We shouldn't always be supportive, op. This is a perfect example of a situation where you need to make your objections and the risks involved patently clear. Your daughter could be putting herself at massive risk going to see this "lad" alone. She doesn't even know who he really is, how old he is, nothing. She only knows what he's told her. One of our jobs as parents is sometimes having to protect our kids from themselves and their immature judgment.

Thank you @Dearover I will find that and we will listen to it.

You are right @Aquamarine1029 - in fact I did say to DD at the end of our conversation that regardless of how old your children are, it is a mum's job to keep them safe, and under no circumstances is she going off to see this lad. I have said she really knows nothing about him (other than what he has told her) and she has no idea what she will be walking into. I will do absolutely everything in my power to stop her going.

Thank you all for your support and advice - it has been a massive help. X

There were horror stories of teenage girls blackmailing slightly older men, teenage boys blackmailing teenage girls, Nigerian crime gangs blackmailing anyone while pretending to be a young person on Snapchat or Insta whilst sending nude photos of the victim to their college and friends.

Please tell your DD to only engage with people she knows. The relevant part of the programme probably starts at around 2 hours in. I listened from 2.5 hours and the key thing to take away is how helpless the police are in being able to stop this.