DD17 hates sixth form

[Pollygrip]

My DD is in Year 12 and is absolutely hating sixth form. She has become very anxious to the extent that it is making her physically ill. She says that she feels on edge all the time and is unable to learn, and it’s pointless being there as she can study much better at home. While she’s at school she has constant headaches and stomach cramps but is fine at home. She had a panic attack recently and is worried about this happening again.

She’s a diligent student and did very well at GCSE and is on track for good A Level grades, despite her poor attendance.

She has always had a bit of underlying anxiety but it has rocketed recently due to awful friendship problems. Her friendship group, who she has known since Year 7, have pretty much ousted her from the group. It has all been incredibly upsetting for her and a huge blow to her confidence and self esteem.

She has found some new friends, who have shown her real kindness (and seem so much nicer than the other group) so that’s very promising but it’s early days and she doesn’t see them out of school (yet). In the past she’s always been sociable and good at making friends but I think the fear of rejection, given what happened recently, is very strong. She worries about finding people to sit with at lunchtime.

It’s difficult to know what to do. I want her to be in school so that she can make new friends or she’ll end up very isolated, but at the same time it feels like the worst place for her to be as the anxiety is awful and she’s in real physical and mental distress. She seems to learn very little at school and is exhausted by the time she gets home.

If anyone has been through any similar I would be really grateful to hear your experience, especially if your DC has gone on to thrive at university. She is excited about university and sees it as a fresh start. She’s talked about joining lots of groups as a way of getting to meet people.

We have tried counselling (which she asked to stop because she felt it made her anxiety worse) and hypnotherapy, which doesn’t seem to have made much of an impact.

she is being bullied by the previous friendship groups. She needs to understand the problem is them, not her. So glad she has found new friends. Speak to the school, they are not going to want to lose her and will hopefully be able to give her a time out card, or anything she needs to feel more confident

Assuming there is no ongoing bullying, I'd suggest she needs controlled, gradual exposure to support her to manage the anxiety. Avoiding facing her old friends isn't solving anything and won't help build her resilience into adulthood.

Are you talking to school? I'd be asking for:

● Agreement on a reduced time table, with a plan to increase. This might be permission to leave site in her free lessons. Or agreeing a phased return (ie a week of 3 half days, a week of 5 half days, a week of 1 full day and 4 half days, a week of 3 full days and 2 half dats, a week if 4 full days and a half day, back to full time in 6 weeks).

● Agree a safe space plan for unstructured time, break, lunch, free lessons. Somewhere she csn go to be away from her old friends, if she needs it.

● Request made to teachers to ensure she has seating in lessons that works for her

● Offer of CBT, if person based counselling didn't help

● Positive encouragement and rewards from home when she's in school. Offer treat for successes - say a coffee shop outing, spa day, whatever works for her as a 'Well Done' for being in for the week.

● Build resilience by spelling out clearly her successes, with a view to helping her see that she felt anxious but was able to do it anyway and cope. That builds her confidence to know she csn do it next time.