Unmotivated teenager.

Help201602 · 26/04/2024 17:14

No chance he is on the spectrum? My daughter was the same, doing fine all through school, then stopped going in year 10. She talked about feeling overwhelmed going to school all of a sudden, slept in day, up all night. She got no GCSE’s. Eventually diagnosed with autism at 18. I never even thought of it.

Now I see similar traits in my 16yr old who also appears unmotivated but bright. Attendance started dropping off in year 11. GCSEs are looming but he won’t get up. Boys are harder I find as he won’t talk to me about why. I am awaiting assessment for autism.

I don’t have any answers as I did the same, didn’t get up for college, failed my a levels, but went back to education later in life and did my degree, masters etc.

It must be very hard for you. I often feel helpless. You just can’t make them do it. My daughter has now turned it around has a job and went back to college and is due to go uni in sept at nearly 21. I can only suggest you continue being supportive, motivating and encouraging, hopefully at some point he will want to go back to it. My daughter got her first job at McDonald’s with no GCSE’s at 16. Good luck

mumonthehill · 26/04/2024 17:28

I think your answers will be different depending on his mental health. He cannot be in a good place really if he is lonely. He needs care and support with that. However, he does also need to step up as sleeping all day and gaming all night is not good and i would address this by simply turning it off and make it something he has to work to get back. It does not matter what he does with his day as long as it is something. He might need a shock if he has just checked out but equally if he is low then a gentler approach might be needed. The reality is he cannot continue like this. It is so hard at this age.

Dacadactyl · 26/04/2024 17:35

I wouldn't have given him the option to sack off the charity shop tbh.

I'd make him volunteer and if he didn't, he wouldn't be getting access to the Internet at home so he'd not be up all night gaming.

If he doesn't like the charity shop, then he'll need to volunteer somewhere else. But this time I'd give him no option to quit. Go to your local volunteer centre with him and ask for roles that suit him.

A colleague of mine had a son who failed all his gcses and he ended up working as a hospital porter and enjoyed it. So that might be an option too.

Whatever happens, sitting about all day doing nothing cannot be an option for him.

thesugarbumfairy · 26/04/2024 17:37

No advice I'm afraid OP. He does sound very similar to mine. He is still going to college -but he rarely manages an entire week. He hasn't made any friends and he just lies in bed or sits at his pc at home, only venturing down for food. I'm fairly sure he isn't entirely neurotypical, but the schools did not believe it (so no referral) and now I have suggested it to him at 17, he says he absolutely is not on the spectrum and wouldn't be assessed anyway, even privately. I have no idea where we go after college if we even get to that point as I cannot see him managing on his own moving on to further education.

SOxon · 26/04/2024 17:44

Army Air Force Navy, traditional exits for listless teens, good luck OP

IndysMamaRex · 26/04/2024 18:07

Might be time for some tough love. Make it clear he either stays in education & attends every day he required to or he gets a job. There is no 3rd option.

write out a daily routine that he needs Tick off to start getting him used to it & make sure he’s doing his bit around the house. He’s not a child anymore & he needs to start contributing/learning to be independent.

take the console away until he can play it at sensible times that don’t affect him being awake during the day.

you may find he resists at 1st but the sooner you sit down with him & get these bad habits nipped in the bud the better. It’s not being done to hurt him but to help him get out of whatever rut he is in.

Kazzybingbong · 26/04/2024 18:32

Autistic burnout was my first thought here. Have you ever thought he could be autistic?

If not, it does sound like he’s struggling regardless of what the dr has said. It sounds like his routine is making things worse for him too.

What does he say when you talk to him? I honestly think if he was just tossing it off and not wanting to work there’d be evidence of that such as going out with mates etc. He sounds extremely isolated and whilst that’s fine for lots of people, it does sound like he’s not in a great place mentally.

TJworried · 26/04/2024 18:43

Look up pathological demand avoidance.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 27/04/2024 10:01

Addiction to games.
These games are specifically designed, by the brightest and best minds that the companies can employ, to be as addictive as possible. They massively mess up the motivation and reward pathways in the brain. Real life just cannot compare to the 'hit' that games give.

You need to severely restrict access to games, but if he is 17 already it may be that it is too late for authoritative parenting.

Getting him into a live-in situation where he cannot game is a good idea, such as the armed forces as suggested above.

waterrat · 27/04/2024 11:22

I think you need to pick a few things apart here to work out what is going on.

As the poster above says - is he addicted to gaming? Why is he allowed to stay at home gaming all night and missing college - what would happen if you said you were going to help him reduce his gaming by taking the controllers away after 11pm - get him on board with it?

Of course it's hard to be strict with a 17 yr old but he is living under your roof and relying on you! I think as a soecity we are letting teenagers think they can do what they like - 50 / 100 years ago he would have had to get a job if he wasn't going to work hard at school.

Agree that people underestimate how addictive they are for young people - they are designed to be a big massive dopamine hit day after day - the real world can't compare.

I would also wonder is he neurodiverse and it's only just becoming apparent ?? Particularly if he is struggling socially?

waterrat · 27/04/2024 11:23

He needs to understand how to live in the real world - no gaming at night - finding a job he actually likes - ie. sainsburys/ mcdonalds and then if he doesn't like it he wil understand he needs to go back to college.

If he is autistic (are there family with autism? does he show traits?) - he may need to understand himself better before he can decide on career paths.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 27/04/2024 11:24

ND burnout.

My Dd is into year 2 of it. Started with school refusal.

Pushing him to do stuff makes ot worse. Leave him to recover.

Original poster

lollilou2 · 27/04/2024 13:05

Yes, he probably is autistic (his 3 siblings are also autistic). I’m worried about pushing him if he is in burnout, but he also says he doesn’t want to pursue a diagnosis at this point.

OP posts:

Elisheva · 27/04/2024 13:11

The Fire Brigade run courses for disaffected teens. Is that something he might be interested in?

Original poster

lollilou2 · 27/04/2024 13:15

Armed forces is an absolute no-go, he wouldn’t get in for so many reasons and it’s definitely not something either of us want! I have no problem with him staying with me until he finds his feet!

tbh he doesn’t actually play video games all night - he makes animations and posts on YouTube, aswell as talking to online friends from a different time zone.

Its animation he’s studying at college.

OP posts:

Original poster

lollilou2 · 27/04/2024 13:17

@Elisheva thank you for the suggestion. It looks like the courses are quite a few miles from home- unfortunately he couldn’t get up the street to volunteer I doubt I’d have much luck convincing him.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 27/04/2024 13:19

Ah that’s a pity he’s studying something he’s interested in but doesn’t go to. How is he in general op, is he chatty? Would he sit down with you or is it all his room? Does he know himself what the issue is do you think?

Saralouhe · 27/04/2024 13:21

lollilou2 · 25/04/2024 09:06

I’m at a loss what to do with my 17 year old. He’s always been bright, average achieving boy until he hit 14/15. He started missing a lot of school to the point I nearly got fined, but he scraped through and passed his English GCSE.

He enrolled in college last September, which was going well to start with but now he doesn’t bother going. I helped him start volunteering at a local charity shop, he done a 4 hour shift and never went back.

He lost his friends at school as he was hardly there, and never had a chance to make them at college, so he’s very lonely. He sleeps all day and wakes up through the night and plays video games.

although we’ve looked for work, not many places are taking on under 18s, and even less want someone with only one GCSE.

I have took him to the GP, who said he doesn’t see any signs of anxiety or depression - he’s literally just unmotivated.

My son the same but he's 19.

Left college early, no qualifications. Did some volunteering. Got a job and left it and now he's been home for months.

He doesn't seem depressed but is socially anxious. He's just on his computer but does go out with friends maybe once a fortnight

It's so worrying

Skillest · 27/04/2024 13:25

Honestly, I think you need to step up and do some difficult, challenging parenting.

I'd suggest waking him for the daytime, with a view to resetting his body clock. I'd restrict wifi use snd switch it iff at midnight ish to support this.

Then I'd be helping get a job - at least a part time job (16 hours a week - two ir three shifts). But realistically he could be doing 25-30h at his age if he's refusing education.

Lots of part time jobs for the 16-18 age. Restaurants, cafes, bars, retail, leisure industry like lifeguard, cinema etc.

If you don't get on top if this your lazy teenager could become a lazy work-shy adult.

Clarabella77 · 27/04/2024 13:47

If he is making animations at night it doesn't sound like he is lazy. The problem is doing all his socialising and hobbies at night leaving him no energy during the day.

He needs help finding a structure and routine and a way to channel his animation interest into a goal with a plan.

Unpacking what caused him to leave college will be useful.

HcbSS · 28/04/2024 12:32

He games. There is your answer. Those horrid devices are addictive and poisonous to undeveloped brains. Get rid today.

wrcm · 28/04/2024 12:41

lollilou2 · 25/04/2024 09:06

I’m at a loss what to do with my 17 year old. He’s always been bright, average achieving boy until he hit 14/15. He started missing a lot of school to the point I nearly got fined, but he scraped through and passed his English GCSE.

He enrolled in college last September, which was going well to start with but now he doesn’t bother going. I helped him start volunteering at a local charity shop, he done a 4 hour shift and never went back.

He lost his friends at school as he was hardly there, and never had a chance to make them at college, so he’s very lonely. He sleeps all day and wakes up through the night and plays video games.

although we’ve looked for work, not many places are taking on under 18s, and even less want someone with only one GCSE.

I have took him to the GP, who said he doesn’t see any signs of anxiety or depression - he’s literally just unmotivated.

If you do not believe that there is not an underlying reason then I would take his console out of his room. If you pay for his phone then that goes also. This is what I would do with my 17 year old if she was showing this behaviour. She's up late on her console/phone but she gets up in the morning and goes to college and work so I can't really complain. There are times where she has not managed to go as she suffers with anxiety and panic attacks from past trauma but that is managed with medication now.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/04/2024 13:07

Sounds so like ADHD. Interest in specific things, but can’t manage a course

Withdrawal from society.

WonderfulSkye · 28/04/2024 22:03

Assuming he hasn’t got mental health issues I think you need to insist on him sleeping at night and getting up during the day. He should have some daylight, physical exercise and contribute at home (clean, cook, washing….. whatever you deem appropriate each day)
We never allowed our children to have all these computer games that seem so commonplace now. Nor did they have a tv in their bedroom. Family time in the evening, all together should really help too.
can you get him to go out with you / siblings - swimming/cinema/bowling he needs to interact with people!
I also agree that his education shouldn’t be viewed as optional.
Good luck with everything

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/04/2024 22:14

WonderfulSkye · 28/04/2024 22:03

Assuming he hasn’t got mental health issues I think you need to insist on him sleeping at night and getting up during the day. He should have some daylight, physical exercise and contribute at home (clean, cook, washing….. whatever you deem appropriate each day)
We never allowed our children to have all these computer games that seem so commonplace now. Nor did they have a tv in their bedroom. Family time in the evening, all together should really help too.
can you get him to go out with you / siblings - swimming/cinema/bowling he needs to interact with people!
I also agree that his education shouldn’t be viewed as optional.
Good luck with everything

My nd dd presented exactly as this boy. In ND burnout.

The advice you are giving is totally wrong for ND teens in burnout. They need the opposite.