Feel like I've failed dc somehow

[1newname]

Both having issues and feel like we must have gone wrong somehow. Ds2 is in year 10. Yesterday he said in all seriousness he wasn't going back to school in September. He's had enough of education, can't stand it anymore and doesn't want to do his GCSEs. I've told him it's non negotiable but not sure how we're going to get through this.

Ds1 is in year 13. I've posted about him before but basically he's been smoking weed since he was 14. He did really well in his GCSEs but A levels have been another story. Poor attendance, no effort etc. We tried to put in boundaries with the weed smoking but nothing worked. He wouldn't even as much as stop smoking in his room. Around 6 months ago we stopped giving him money as we felt we were paying for his addiction so he started scamming people online. We were appalled. Yesterday he basically told us it was our fault he was scamming because we took his money away. Basically I feel like it's all a mess and don't know if this is normal teenage stuff or we're just shit parents.

Please be gentle, I'm very sensitive at the moment. Thanks

Hi Op - firstly re. the GSCE refusal - school does get really intense and boring - I think a lot of kids feel like they want to walk away. I don't think that is about you and how you have parented. Our education system strips the joy out of learning.

re. your older son - I wanted to answer although I don't have an older teen - but I was a very very out of control teenager myself. I took a lot of drugs, would go missing/ be out for days - anyway _ I'm now 46 and very sensible! A lot of young people have bad phases.

As he is actually on dodgy ground - do you know you can self refer to local early help (social services) - we did this for my youngest who is autistic and can be violent.

I found them kind and helpful - they will be looking to support you and plug you in to other services where possible.

Thanks for the reply. I totally get his feelings about school but I left school with 2 GCSEs and I know the consequences! I've spoken to ds2 today and he seems a bit more positive.

I'm really hoping it is just normal teenage phases with ds1. For now we will just plod along. It's just really hard sometimes and I tend to beat myself up.

I agree with all of this. We had complex problems including drugs and we sough social worker help which was good for us.
our child was taking drugs and we stopped all money and locked things away - your son is just
lashing out because he wants
someone to blame and parents are an easy target. Please
be kind to yourself, some teens for whatever reason are hard to parent and they themselves struggle with growing up. Take each day at a time and I would certainly self refer

@1newname was your DS1 the one who was selling items that didn't actually exist online? If so, I think the reality is that he's gone well outside the realms of normal teenage behaviour tbh and it's time he started facing the consequences of his actions. Scamming people online and breaking the law for money is not normal teenage behaviour and sometimes you really have to e to rip the bandage off so that they get a sense of the enormity of their actions. If he refuses to stop using drugs in your home then he has to go. Allowing him to keep behaving this way despite your requests and boundaries is just enabling him.

Re DS2... it's highly likely he's been affected by the other issues in the home. His behaviour is a response to the environment he's had to grow up in. I'd work closely with the school to keep him there for as long as you can and keep his attendance up. Would he agree to counselling to try to the heart of the school refusal?

@aallwillbe thank you, that's a really kind response. Things have actually improved to a degree. He's stopped smoking as he's worried about the effects and just having edibles instead. He goes backwards and forwards between thinking weed is great and saying he knows it's not good for him.

@BoBodyKeepingScore yes that's me. Believe me I'm under no illusions as to how bad that was and we made it absolutely clear to ds1. I didn't really want to get into that again as it's not constructive. I'm not going to kick him out, at least not when he's still at school and 17. We don't pay for his phone, no pocket money. I have to believe he can turn it around for my own mental health.

@1newname I have been where you are (apart from the online scamming) but a million other things!! My son was a heavy user of weed, left school with zero qualifications. However he is now 17 and I am blown away by the change in him, he needed help from CAMHS (he was lucky he got someone that genuinely cares) and needed anti depressants, but he is now in a very well paid apprenticeship and I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I am so proud of him and enjoy be his company again. Hang in there, keeping loving them, and yes keep boundaries but try not to have your home like a battleground, it took us to stop the strict parenting and switch to a more guiding role (not saying that is the answer for you) but if someone had told me when he was 14 he would become this person at 17 I wouldn't have believed them. Don't give up on them, I truly believe at that age they need someone to still believe in them and have hope for them xx

Thank you for your kind words, @Smileandtry. We have to be here for him despite the behaviour.

You haven't failed your sons. There's no 100% infallible way to ensure that on the long road of life they don't fall down a pothole and have to struggle to climb out.

Keep treating them with respect and love, even if you are disappointed with their choices and hopefully this will pull them through the difficult times.

Thank you, @yellowlupins 🙏

Can't help but I feel the same. I actually sent my Son to therapy last year as his behaviour was concerning. Turns out he was smoking weed, vaping, drinking.

We have cut money off too but feel quite awful about it. I think we just have to keep chipping away and letting them know things aren't acceptable.

If I was you I would tell him he isn't putting enough effort into A levels and to start applying for jobs/apprenticeships. If this isn't what he wants it may help him restart if it is what he wants great!