Advice on managing the teenage attitude

[GettingABitAddicted]

My DD is in year 9 at school and has suddenly changed. She is grumpy with me all the time where she was always in a good mood previously. We’ve had a long chat and she says she’s only grumpy with me if she’s annoyed but literally everything I do seems to annoy her. Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate as we are getting into arguments which I would rather avoid. Are there any books you’d recommend I read?
I understand it’s her age and she’s going through a lot of changes but I want to know the best way to communicate with her or things I can try.

It all sounds quite normal to me. Look for Dr Becky's "Good Inside" (podcast or book), Dan Siegel "The Teenage Brain" and also the book "Emotional lives of teenagers" (I have forgotten the author). All are good starting points to understanding the enormous change your child is going through. Good luck.

Think of it as a grown up toddler stage. It's hormones swishing around and brain development. Take deep breaths.
Don't take things personally and be the safe person. They'll talk to you then when they need to.
I'd also recommend non violent communication - rosenburg. Decide what you are going to let go and what needs to be picked up on.

This is a good book. As pp said it’s important to have boundaries “it’s not ok to speak to me like that”. Tbh I was still confiscating DCs phones when they were 16 because of this, but very infrequently.

Most important of all is realising it’s not personal and the real them is still in there. It will pass and it’s a necessary part of growing up and it’s tough. Pick your battles, let some stuff go and remember they are starting to become their own person and that person is someone you want to support and have a good, when it comes, adult relationship with. Philippa Perry has lots of wise words on this.

I really liked Untangled by Lisa Damour.

Always count to 10 before you react. Breathe! Enforce reasonable boundaries such as respect, listening, eating together, whatever is normal for your family. Do not stress the small stuff. Walk away. I list these as if it is easy but it is not and I did not do them enough.

I found it's very similar to dealing with toddlers

Don't take it personally, they play ip with the people they feel most comfortable with

Pick your battles

Keep communication channels open

Have a sense of humour. What got me and DH through it was being able to laugh at some of the ridiculous things they did. Also have a sense of humour with them, sometimes some gentle teasing would pull my teen out of her state of mind

Also empathy. "It must feel awful because Emma said XY&Z, but that doesn't mean you can be rude to your Dad"

I would also spend 10 mins talking to my dd about the dramas of the day as soon as she got in from school, the minute she walked through the door id have a treat in my hand and we'd sit down and talk for a few mins. She still does it now. When she gets home from collage she'll come into my office, collapse on a chair and tell me all about what happened during her day, it's one of my favourite parts of the day.

Thank you, this is all such useful advice.

Don’t take it personally, don’t rely on your teen for company, give them space.

Every teen is different - dd can’t bear anyone trying to talk to her in the morning before school or when she first comes home from school.
Other teens get in a strop if a parent isn’t right there waiting to listen to a deluge of moaning the minute they get home.

Pick your battles is an interesting one - yes don’t sweat the small stuff but you have to be prepared to go into battle sometimes, even when you don’t want to.

Pick your battles doesn’t mean pick the battles you’re comfortable with. It’s the battles that matter most to the safety and wellbeing of your teen.

Sorry woodburning m the deluge of moaning comment wasn’t directed at your teen!!

Great advice thank you