Drinking

[blueandgreenandyellow]

Otherwise sensible daughter at 15 got blindly drunk for the first time - vomiting, unrousable etc. she has since done it again. A few months ago, at 16, she passed out in a pool of her own vomit at a party, her phone was nicked, she had to be helped up by three people and vomited all night. I had to come and pick her up and three people were needed to get her in the car. In the morning she was so hungover she had to cancel the days events. She promised this was the last time but Last night she did it again. Party, blind drunk, had to be held up by two people, non stop vomitting , black out in the morning and largely unrousabld last night. She is getting a bit of a reputation.
She wants to go to reading festival with her friends and will be 17 by the time it comes round, but I am worried she can't handle alcohol well enough to go. Her friends are patchily reliable although one also got blind drunk this weekend and another was so stoned she couldn't talk. They are a bit fed up of her over-drinking and while they won't abandon her they aren't looking forward to looking after her if she is out of it. What would you do?

I'd be very worried about letting her go op. Although it's a tricky one at 17 I don't envy you.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with her and get to the bottom of why this is happening. Does she not have any idea on her tolerance and her own limits? Or is she drinking excessively for other reasons like overcoming shyness, anxiety etc?

What is she drinking? I think you need to understand what the driver is here rather than just a blanket promise not to do it again.

This is such good advice. Saying she can’t drink or go out just wont work. you need to have a proper discussion about it with her, make sure she understands the risks of getting that drunk - especially at a festival. And if she wants to keep drinking (as most teens will!) how to do it safely like eating first, having water; what’s she drinking

I actually found her a therapist to speak to about it a few months back. I said (to my daughter) I didn't think she had a terrible problem but if she was drinking because of social anxiety etc she could maybe work out strategies.
she was outraged at the suggestion and refused

We've also talked about eating first, pacing, and the fact her metabolism might not be up to processing alcohol as well as some of her friends

What is she drinking exactly? Because obviously drinking vodka is going to get her a hell of a lot more drunk then if she were to stick to VK’s, sourz or cider.

Friend of mine found out recently that her DD just had no tolerance of alcohol. She was always the drunkest and friend was at her wits end, but now DD is 19 and really careful herself.
I don't know what the answer is, and I'd be really worried about a festival - but keep working with her and fingers crossed she'll become more aware of her own tolerance soon.

I recommend reading "Nina is not ok" by Shapi (now Shaparak) Khorsandi, in which the protagonist is an underage drinker. It certainly highlights how vulnerable she makes herself when drunk.

Yes it's vodka. It's what they all seem to drink.

The time I got blind drunk as a teen, it was on vodka. It’s so easy to drink too much of it. I’d really see if she can switch to something lower alcohol like lager or alco-pops

Yep a quick win would obviously be to discourage her from drinking vodka. DD is 18 now and went through a vodka phase. Now her and her friends appear to have progressed on to wine or prosecco and bottles of VK. I think they are the tipple of choice amongst YP at the moment.

But you do need to have a proper chat with her. Explain that getting so out of it every time she goes out is not only a risk to herself and her safety but also gently suggest that it’s not really a great look. Good friends should always look out for each other but if she gets wasted and needs looking after every time then those friends are going to start to resent her. Besides, she’s ruining the night for herself. She needs to work out what her limits and lay off the vodka!!!

I was the friend of someone who would do this (long time ago). We literally had to carry her back from many events. It was an absolute pain and made me not want to go out with her. Perhaps you could use this angle?

It's funny for friends once or twice but especially somewhere like a festival they will not want to carry her back to the tent and miss the fun. Plus as you know, the risks of being so drunk and wandering off could be nasty.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.
i have already tried everything suggested here to no effect. I've even spoken with her friends!!!!
do you think that given the circumstances I am unreasonable to forbid a 17 year old under my care to go to a festival (because I am worried for her safety if she drinks too much)

Home measures of vodka (or any spirit) can be ridiculously large and strong. She needs to find another drink. Wine, watered down with loads of soda and ice.

My DD went through this phase and some of her friends dropped her as they didn't want the responsibility on a night out, plus it ruined it for them which I completely understood.

Does she work? Can she afford to pay for the festival herself? If not I'd say no, don't give her the money. I said this to my DD, however her nan (my MIL!) gave her the money. So she went to Reading ..... I thought it had gone ok, she came home in one piece and seemed fine. It wasn't until a couple of years later I discovered she had ended up in the medical tent as she'd overdone it. So at least there is support there, but it's a worry that anything could happen to them if some undesirables notice how pissed they are.

Oh and she's early 20s now and drinks moderately! That phase does pass thank god.

Thank you.
all her own money.
im worried how vulnerable she is when she's out of it.

you seem like a great parent OP and I feel for you. I am often on the permissive/laid back side but honestly this sounds concerning. I wonder if this might be one of those parenting moments where you put your foot down and say no. The risk seems high given what you've shared here.

Hi blueandgreenandyellow

Sorry to hear you are having such troubles with your teen daughter. It sounds like she is drinking to excess as a way to escape reality, has something happened at school/college or with her friends/boyfriend or even to do with her future? Is she scared of the unknown and therefore wanting to regress to being a child who is with you at home?

Sometimes when things get on top of them, they resort to these types of behaviours as a way to numb out from her life. I hear you that you are really worried about her and believe me, she will be too but will be loathe to let you know. Let her know that you have her back whatever she is dealing with and will always be there if she needs it.

Instead of tackling her on the subject of her drinking inside the house, go and do something fun together so she can relax and open up to you. Activities like climbing, canoeing, being in nature, paddle boarding are all activities that need you to work together to achieve. I hasten to add there'll be a lot of laughter as you learn together and this will open up paths of communication. An angry teenager who feels like she is being interrogated will never open up as she'll feel like she's letting you down.

Take the pressure off yourself and take some time out for you, do something you love so she can see you having fun. Our teen girls learn by what they see so mirror the behaviours you want to see in her.

Sorry to resurrect an old thread. Reading the OPs problem with her DD, I have a similar problem with mine, and I wondered how DD was getting on with her drinking issues.

Mine hasn't been drunk like that since. I think she shocked herself. I wouldn't let her go abroad with a friend a a result of this episode. I still wouldn't let her stay alone in the house and I still won't go too far from home if she is out for the evening.

Her attitude towards her friendship problems also changed. They started to anger rather than upset her. The school also noticed that her former friends were being twats ans have been supportive. She has focussed on her out of school friends who seem much nicer (and don't get so drunk).

When I was 16, I went to my first party. I was served three vodka shots and four WDK's (vile drink) as someone who does not handle alcohol well I found myself snogging boys, stumbling over sleeping people, and falling down the stairs. That fall left me in hospital with a sprained neck, ankle and herpes at the mouth. My mother was furious as any mother would be, I was so cross at my mum for being angry I could not understand why she was upset I was just having fun after all! However, looking back now as a mother I know my mother was right! Do not let your daughter out of the house you never know what she will do!! I must confess I do like a tipple of Chardonnay every once in a while but I have NEVER drunk a sip of WKD ever since and you daughter should never too! PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM THE DEAMON THAT IS ALCHOL, DON'T LET HER GO TO READING FESTIVAL, ONLY GIVE HER APPLE JUICE! 😇✝✝✝✝✝🍷