DS 16 first break up - advice and wisdom please!

[notthelasttime]

My lovely 16 was dumped by his girlfriend of 5 months this afternoon. He's pretty heartbroken - it had all been going well (or so he thought), although he said she'd seemed a bit off over the past few days. She did it over text which is shit 😥

There was no drama as far as I was aware over the time they were seeing each other. The girl seemed a lot like DS - academic and sweet. She was the one who asked DS out in the first place - got a mutual friend to tell DS she liked him etc. It was her birthday last weekend: he gave her a lovely present which she said she adored.

They are at the same school (first year of A-levels) and have lots of mutual friends so obviously quite tricky.

Best way to handle this? xx

I had this with my DD just after her 16th birthday. Took her to get her nails done, and things like that, said a lot about what a fool he was and it's his loss etc etc, reassured her that everyone goes through it at some point.

It was painful for a few weeks but it passed quite quickly, and he did try to come crawling back at which time she told him to do one.

Just be there and bolster his confidence. He'll be fine.

Don't say anything bad about her, there's always a chance they'll get back together!

Thank you. He went out with mates earlier who looked after him…came home and was still very tearful.😢

Finding it so heartbreaking tbh. I know it’s part of life but so hard to watch him go through this. He had a tough year last year for various reasons and this ‘relationship’ was a huge boost to his confidence…

It’s a difficult balance re how to handle. My instinct is very much to empathise and talk about it if he wants. My DH (who is somewhat emotionally basic thanks so boarding school and idiot parents) is quite ‘that’s crap, never mind, have some toast and move on…’ 🥴

Just suggest some nice things to do - takeaway , shopping trip and just talk if he wants to but don't be offended if he doesn't. Good that he is doing stuff with his mates .

Awww nothing worse than heartbreak as a teen - it cuts deep!

Nice takeaway treat and let him know you're there as much or as little as he wants to talk. Unfortunately there's not much else. He has to accept her decision and the right one will be along shortly!

Thank you. He seems a bit brighter this morning thankfully.

A tricky thing is that he's due to go to a big party tonight - which happens to be the ex-girlfriend's best mate's party! So obviously the ex will be there...

He's totally undecided as to whether to go or not. I've advised him to just see how he feels later (and also said if he wants to go, we'll go buy him some new stuff earlier if he likes, so he goes looking great 😉). Lots of his mates there too so he'd have his support system around him...but still, difficult I think. Thoughts?

Its lovely you are being so caring but I think perhaps it's worth remembering that making these decisons (and some of them turning out badly!) is part of teen life. I would just say to him - look it's not a big deal - go to the party or don't go - if you get there and feel crap leave - and remind him he can make his own decisions.

I would be wary that by chipping in with too much advise you are making him think it matters what he decides - and in the long run it really doesn't.

also - she is only a kid - dumping by text - is just life - I would also be careful not to demonise her she is a teen and can end it whenever/ however she likes.

He should go to the party but warn him booze will heighten any emotions.

I think most teen breakups have the rule of 3.

3 hrs of absolute horror and weeping.
3 days of proper moping (full mourning)
3 weeks of feeling sad and like you lost something really special (half mourning)
3 months later you have moved on.

Awww your poor DS, great that he has a good support group of friends keeping him busy though.

My DD16 has is in same position, weirdly same birthday situation too! But her bf kissed another girl and lied about it for a month so she is heartbroken and also questioning her trust in people now. Worst thing is she is less than 3 weeks from her GCSEs so couldn't be worse timing. She is in the sad stage and is veering from quietly cuddling me one minute to screaming at me that she is going to fail her exams the next.

This is my second time with a teen so I know it will all be fine soon, but gosh it is hard work watching her go through it and trying to keep her positive about more important things in her future!

Hope DS picks up soon.

It's hard when this happens. Tell him it's OK to feel sad.

Poor DS! Did he go to the party? I agree with not demonising the girlfriend- breaking up by text is normal after 5 months, don't make him think she's done something awful.

It is hard, as a parent you feel their pain in everything, and all you want is for them to be happy, but he will learn so much from the emotions he is feeling and will become a stronger person from it. He's got a long road ahead in the world of relationships. When similar happened to one of mine I felt so sad for him, but on the other hand I knew in my head it would end one way or another at one point as they are just so young. In reality I wouldn't have really wanted him to stay in a very long relationship at such a young age as it most often does end in tears, so that was a positive in my head. I am hoping my other teen doesn't find the one he feels so strongly about until he is perhaps early 20s when there is more chance they will stay together!

Sorry for slow reply. He did go to the party and was careful about drinking. Sounds like he and ex-girlfriend just sort of avoided each other, and he was surrounded by his mate which is good.

He seems totally okay now - a bit down perhaps. I know it's part and parcel of being a parent - and for him, being a teenager - but I'm finding it pretty hard to watch him go through it. Like I said he had quite an upsetting year last year and this was making him happy, so...

It's also absolutely NONE of my business, but I kind of wish I knew what went 'wrong'! Over the easter holidays girlfriend had been here a lot and they seemed so sweetly into each other. She didn't strike me as a 'drama' girl either.

Solidarity to anyone else going to through similar!

I would definitely want to know too, but it's difficult as they may not know either. One of my dd's best friends only found out the real reason her bf of 1 year broke up with her from a bit of investigation rather than face value what he had said to her. They don't always communicate well at this age and won't often say what they think either in fear of upsetting etc..

I feel for you because I actually dread this so much. Dd2 has been seeing her bf for nearly a year now and she would be devastated even if it was her breaking it off!

All we can do is be there, but good luck and I hope he manages to move on quickly. It is all part of the tern years but it doesn't make it any less painful to watch.....

Tell him we all go through it, but we come back stronger. There'll be another girl along in a few weeks or months. Tell him to stop crying, though.

Oh it’s horrible!
Both my dds have been ditched over the last couple of years.
Both of the boyfriends involved did the breaking up as nicely as possible afaik, it’s never ‘nice’ but they were both honest.
I was just there to console them, I was really careful not to slam the boyfriends to them, they were both mature and realised they didn’t want to be tied into relationships etc before college/uni etc, you don’t have to stay in a relationship forever and they did the right thing, they weren’t feeling it and decided to end it.
So unless they’ve been a total arsehole please be careful about dragging the dumper through the hot coals! I have always taught my dc that it’s okay to end a relationship for whatever reason if they no longer wanted to be in it - it works both ways.

Hope your ds gets through it okay. Just be kind and loving with him, I imagine there will be a couple of glum days but he should most likely be alright fairly soon.

@TheChosenTwo - aw, that you for kind words! Thank you DS seems absolutely fine tbh…he was upset the day it happened and I was steeling myself for him to be low for a few weeks - but it’s been ok. Amazing how quickly they bounce back.

I am still unclear as to what happened exactly as it seemed very out of the blue, but who knows?

This has happened to my 16 year old son yesterday. 6 months with his GF, both academic, low drama types. She text him saying it was over as she needs to focus on GCSEs. He’s confused as he has the capacity to do both, well that’s what he said. I said, sometimes it’s hard to do both. He said well why did she let us be together for 6 months, if she knew she couldn’t do both. Only yesterday she text him saying hope they’re together forever. Just shows their innocence really, still school kids.

They both showered each other with gifts at Xmas time, and had been to dinner at each others houses.

Better now than closer to GCSEs I suspect. Sad though to watch, haven’t seen him cry like that for a long time. Hopefully this doesn’t drag on 🤞.