16 year old not talking about sex / girlfriend

[rickyrickygrimes]

So I have a 16 yr old DS. He's had girlfriends on and off over the past 3 years or so, a couple that he really liked. Since he split up with his last one, he hasn't had another one - as far as I know. We've always given him a lot of freedom as he's pretty sensible, and his friends live very close so when he's out and about he's never more than 15-20 minutes from home.

I think he's got a new girlfriend. He hasn't said anything and I haven't asked because he said very clearly a little while ago that he felt we (DH and I) were prying into his personal life, and he'd prefer to keep it private. So I haven't asked (despite him having what looks like a tiny hicky on his neck - but I could be wrong).

Is it reasonable to never ask him anything? I don't want to pry or make him feel like he's under scrutiny. But if I think he's got a new girlfriend or (deep breath) that he's planning to have sex, can I ask about that? If he was 14/ 15 I'd definitely say something. If he was 17/18 I definitely wouldn't. But 16 just seems like old enough to do it, while being young enough to be careless!

I don't have any reference point on this. My parents never ever ever talked about sex to me. I was expected to be 'good' and 'sensible' and not bring shame on the family, and anything else would just be swept under the carpet. So I snuck around and lied to sleep with my boyfriend from age 16 onwards. I really didn't want to be like this with DS, and thus far we've been far more open than I ever was with my parents. We've talked openly about contraception, consent, STDs etc. But IDK if I'm overstepping the boundaries by enquiring into his love life now, or if I should wait for him to bring it up.

Don't ask! He's allowed a private life.

He's allowed a private life.

Does this equal 'He's allowed to have sex and not tell you and you just have to trust him not to get anyone pregnant'? genuine question. First time being parent to a teenage boy! Believe me I would rather leave him to it, but IDK if I'm being irresponsible or not.

You are not his mate his dad isn't his mate, it's fine for your son to have a private life and not discuss his shagging progress he's asked you to leave him alone stop being weird it is none of your business.

Whilst you shouldn't pry you absolutely SHOULD be making damn sure he knows to always always always use condoms, and knows what full informed enthusiastic consent looks like, and that he has healthy respectful attitudes towards girls. And if you have any suspicion that she is younger to strongly remind him of the law.

Doesn't he bring the girls home or is it that he is going to hers?
I would absolutely want to know if he has a girlfriend. Can't imagine not asking my kids, no matter what age!! Wrt sex that's trickier, I think it's more a reminder of consent etc and I would assume that at 16 they are.

My post was prompted by finding condoms in his pants drawer (definitely wasn't looking) so at least he's on top of that.

As far as I know he's very respectful to women. He's always had loads of female friends, and we've talked often about him not using his (male) strength to make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

And he's well aware of the age of consent, and TBH pretty much all his friends are his age or older (he's very young in his year, most of them are 17).

Ok I'll take a deep breath and stop being weird 😂

he said very clearly a little while ago that he felt we (DH and I) were prying into his personal life,
Hes already told you to back off - I think you need to listen to him and not pressure him into talking abut sexual details (after all you wouldn't consider telling him what your and his Dads sex life is like surely?)

It sounds like you've already had discussions about safe sex etc so I think you need to just trust he'll be sensible and leave him to it. Perhaps leave a packet of condoms somewhere discreetly so he doesn't have to go out and buy his own??

Doesn't he bring the girls home or is it that he is going to hers?

We're in France, where the social rules are a bit different. It's very normal to leave teenagers home alone at weekends from a pretty early age* *and for them to have friends over. Ditto mixed sex sleepovers are very normal at all ages. Several of his friends, including on previous girlfriend, actually had their own places: he's in a high school where students often come to live, either in the school residence or in their own place through the week. His ex girlfriend had her own place at 16yrs, while he was only 15yrs 🙄. It's so different to the culture I grew up in (shame, secrets, don't talk openly - Scotland in the 1980s if anyone wondering).

I’m not very good at these conversations but I did mention it to ds19 when he was 17 and I realised him & the girlfriend who was only 16 at the time were having sex. She was his first proper girlfriend and I was worried of course.
It was really awkward but I felt I had to make sure that they were being careful etc. Almost 3 years on and they are still together. He didn’t think I was prying and I suppose it taught him not to throw used condoms in the bin that I empty!

I get you op, I have no reference for 'normal' either.

I just stocked the bathroom with condoms and told my kids to help themselves, and kept an eye on when we needed a restock.

Thankfully I had always had a really open relationship with them anyway, so they generally do come to me with a lot of things, but I never ask or pry into anything, I just wait for them to come to me.

I struggle with lots of areas of parenting 16+ kids, and feel like I'm winging it most of the time tbh 🤣

Yes it does equal that.

I somewhat disagree.

It is perfectly OK to keep reiterating the message that he and she must individually use contraception; that consent must be enthusiastically given by both parties individually, and that sex can result in pregnancy-which he would not get to decide whether it is continued or terminated.

You aren’t asking for specifics, just talking around it as a parent should. If it embarrasses him, so be it.

You aren’t being weird at all, of course you’re concerned. I was going to say at the least buy condoms for him, but he’s taken care of that, so all is probably ok.

I’m assuming you’ve already had the ‘safe sex/consent/respect’ talk with him as he’s had previous girlfriends, so just because he’s potentially got a new girlfriend that you don’t know about, doesn’t mean he’s forgotten all those things. So I’d leave him to it. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.

I would absolutely want to know if he has a girlfriend. Can't imagine not asking my kids, no matter what age!! Wrt sex that's trickier, I think it's more a reminder of consent etc and I would assume that at 16 they are.

I don’t know how to react to that. I didn’t want to tell my mum anything about boyfriends. All I got from her was a stern reminder that my school work was a lot more important than any romance. She was always very scathing about my (common) cousins having boyfriends. Nothing of this nature was ever casual when I was growing up, it was a very big deal. So i kept it all secret. She met one of my boy friends, who I was with for 4 years btw 16-20 yrs old. She didn’t know about any of the others until DH, so she knew absolutely nothing about my sex life or boyfriends for a long time. She didn’t ask, I didn’t tell.

So with DS I really wanted to not be like that - maybe I overcompensated and was too casual or chatty about it 🤷‍♀️