Hang in there

[2girls76]

So just wanted to give some hope to all parents struggling with their teens.
My DD (17) has struggled since the age of 15 with her Mental Heath and behaviour relating to that mostly (also suspected ADHD which she is waiting for a diagnosis) We have been through every possible scenario with her from self-harm to drug/alcohol use, finding suicide notes, changing schools in year 11 and failing her GCSEs. We (I) have been in the depths of despair and in turn struggled with my own mental health. It affected our whole family and my younger teen (through that and the effects of lockdown) struggled with anxiety. When I say we have been through two years of hell, it is an understatement. We had almost given up hope (with 6 months of therapy and £2000 worse off for it) of things ever changing but in the last few weeks, things have started to shift. She is doing better at college and putting in the effort, is loving driving lessons and has got herself a part time job around her college hours to pay for her test and a little car. She is so much nicer to be around and her future looks a lot brighter and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. My youngest is happier and skipping to school and their relationship has got back to what it was when they were younger(very close) This is by no means a boasting post, believe me I know it could all go bad at any second but I just wanted to give a little hope to those struggling that it can change if you hang in there. I never thought it would for us but am starting to think we just might be ok with a lovely relationship at the end of it.

@2girls76
Thank you so much for the post.
We are currently in the eye of the storm and reading posts like this makes me feel a bit better.
Xx

That is really good news, long may it continue.

Lovely to read a positive post. Long may it continue. 🤞

Thank you for sharing. So glad it has turned around for you all.

I scrolled through so many posts searching for positive stories and for those who were going through the same things as us when we were at our lowest points to gain some advice and comfort, so really hope this can offer the same support for others. Not quite sure how we got to a better place but I do know I tried to stop getting angry about the behaviour and tried to love her through it (not easy at times) and she now says she doesn't hate us anymore and I think she now realises her parents and her sister have been there for her through thick and thin when others weren't. It seemed like when she stopped being angry with us and blaming us for everything is when things began to improve and in turn we done the same. If someone would have told me a year ago that we would have our daughter back and a better relationship I would have said no chance. Like I said we are not out of the woods yet and I still wait for it to turn sour again at any time but I do think we would be in a place we could handle it. Age and more maturity certainly seem like that's what saved her, so definitely trust time can do wonders.

This is what I find so difficult to cope with at times, the attitude of its always somebody else to blame when things go wrong and usually it’s me getting it although sometimes that’s utterly ridiculous as I’m so far removed from the situation. Sometimes I cope better than others. Sometimes the relentless anger and backlash really gets me down though. I’ll take on board the trying not to get angry myself about the behaviour. I get frustrated more than angry as it’s just poor choice after poor choice sometimes but I suppose you can’t hurry growing up.

Totally, the poor choices they make is unreal. Then you start to question your parenting and if you brought them up properly, which I think is where my anger came from because I blamed myself for not doing a better job. She wasn't the person I thought she was when she was little, she became unrecognisable and I hated it but but by bit I see glimpses of the old person she was. I still feel like I will be forever traumatised by the teen years ( and slightly embarrassed by some of the things she's done) but I am also proud of ourselves for staying strong and getting her through it. I look at other parents and think you're so lucky your teens have sailed through it and thriving but that's not who she is and maybe we'll all be a bit more resilient because of it. All I know is it's nice to have a better version of our DD back, who now can sit with us in the evenings and chat like an almost normal human being without her looking at us like she wants to kill us in our sleep 🤣

That’s helpful to hear. We’ve had a generally hard time of parenting due to SEN and struggling to understand, parent and just bond. It’s like there’s a constant grudge against me in particular. Yes we made parenting mistakes as everything does but not deliberately. I feel that guilt too. Definitely device use hasn’t helped and I feel guilty about that and my lack of understanding about the negative side of teen culture and influences like rap music which are just horrible imo. It’s difficult but I take comfort from what you’ve said. Thanks.

I do think kids with SEN seem to struggle more through the teen years. I feel like my DD masked a lot during primary then couldn't keep it up once at high school and the social and academic demands it brought. Every parent makes mistakes, it's only human and it's easy to look back but hindsight is a wonderful thing. We still have good days and bad but 17 is starting to look a lot different to 15 and 16, so fingers crossed it continues. The one good thing to come out of this is my DD knows she is loved unconditionally for the person she is, warts and all, not the person we thought she was or would be and she can be her authentic self. You do grieve the little kid you lost but it will hopefully be a real relationship, not one built on denial and we'll hopefully get to laugh about some of it one day, especially if they have their own kids playing up 🤣