I can’t cope with my teenager anymore

[Ichangedmymindtwice]

She’s 15 and does everything she can to ruin things. She has tantrums like a 2 year old, gives us the cold shoulder, criticises us, tells lies not just small ones either, a lot I know is generally teenage behaviour but the stress she is causing me has me so worried and upset a lot of the time.
she has a boyfriend and vists his house regularly, she won’t bring him to meet us as she’s embarrassed of us. I since found out it’s because she’s told a ton of lies about us and doesn’t want us to meet and find out the truth. Serious things like not feeding her, forcing her to care for her siblings, not letting her leave her bedroom after a certain time, verbally assaulting her… I’m really upset she’d tell such nasty lies and her boyfriend believes it and tells her she can live with him, the boyfriends mum apparently thinks I’m a bad parent and wants her to live with them to keep her safe, they’re all fawning over her without knowing the truth, that she’s a horrible spoilt girl who wants everyone around her to be unhappy and be at her beck and call.
I’ve now found out she and her boyfriend have been having sex while the mum has been in the house, so she has taken it upon herself to allow this without considering the implications, she knows they are doing it and hasn’t come to me and I’ve found searches on the phone looking for pregnancy symptoms. I raised her to be wise about sex and contraception but it appears I’ve failed completely. Im disgusted the mum is condoning it and she has even told them she expects them to get married one day, awful pressure to put on infatuated teens.
I can’t trust anything she says or does, if she doesn’t end up pregnant and ruins her life she will say something that will wrongly get me in trouble instead. I don’t like being around her anymore, everyone tiptoes around her, I don’t recognise her anymore and I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried to get through to her but she doesn’t care, she’ll text a friend that I’m a bad mum and other nonsense for attention minutes after a heart to heart and thinking we’re on track.
Im sick of it and I’m at a loss what to do. Can anyone help please?

Really don't know on this one sorry @Ichangedmymindtwice. Have you spoken to the school?

I mean, is it an option to let her go live with the boyfriend? There's a point where I think, if you are doing everything you can to be caring and supportive and nothings working, what else can you do.

I’d spell that out to her the hurt she’s causing. It’s not normal teen behaviour at all. Let her know you’re on her side to support her but she’s really hurt you with her behaviour and ask that she takes a breath and thinks about the long term consequences of her actions/choices.
put it in writing then take a step back.

What you can do:

Get her on contraception - injection or implant - so she doesn't become pregnant.

Some parents are extremely unpleasant/abusive to their children so if she has been telling the boyfriends parents lies their actions are not surprising.

So once she is on contraception step back. She's obviously not happy. Give her some space to grow up. They all do eventually.

Take away her phone.

She’s 15, full of lies and on course to become a teenage parent. You need to be the adult now - take the phone, ground her, and if she doesn’t come home then call the police.

I'd go to her boyfriend house

Involve every professional you can. And be very vertbserious regarding the extent of your worries. As with the assessment documentation, base it all on the worst day with her.

Teachers
Social worker
Doctors.

This is not just for her but you need a very strong paper trail and a lot of professional who can stand by you if she goes south

How do you know what she's texting to people, are you reading her messages and does she know you do that? It sounds like a difficult situation but placing all the blame on her boyfriends mum probably isn't going to help matters. It's hard parenting a teen (I have a 15 year old too) but you need to be there for her even when she's acting out and being really challenging. Some of this is normal teenage behaviour and it's difficult, but showing her you love her regardless is super important,

I am in exactly the same position. The lies the manipulation. People thinking its me. She used to scream pls don't I beg while up against the wall as she knew I would worry about what the neighbours thought. I feel ruled by her and backed into a corner so I know how u feel. I too have tried to get my daughter on contraception and she wouldn't go. Hope you have support because it's a lonely place 😔 xx

I'm so sorry @GreyTurtle. Is her DF around?

Do not feel you are a terrible mum. You are not in control of her and that is the truth.
You need to take that pressure off yourself

I’m sorry this must be very hard. You do need to parent her now though, she is a child and a vulnerable one. Ask to meet her boyfriend’s mother and explain, ask for her support. Tell the school about every issue, every time, contact social services and the police if she won’t come home. This is a safeguarding issue, and I know it’s difficult but you have to be the adult now, however horrible she is being.

I agree that OP shouldn’t blame herself or beat herself up, but she still has to do something, not take a back seat. This is a 15 year old child.

This is not the behaviour of a happy, stable, well adjusted teen OP. She's at that really difficult age where she wants to be a grown up but really isn't. You need to stay calm, consistent and not take her nonsense personally. This lying and manipulative behaviour, wanting attention from her boyfriends family all stems from low self esteem. I think you need to be very clear that you might not like all her behaviour but you really love her and you have her back.

With self esteem like hers she's looking for love and attention anywhere she can get it. This isn't about you, it's about her. She needs your love and attention more than ever, if not she'll look for it from a husband and baby. You need to stop seeing her as a nasty, selfish liar who ruins everything and see that this is all about her self esteem.

I could have wrote this about my Dd aged 13/14/15 . I agree with the post about letting school know and social services and Gp . Take her along to get birth control ( I went every 3 months to get injection , I hated it but it was more important that she was protected )
Try to speak to boyfriends parent if you can . I went over and introduced myself , gave my number with the excuse " I know she's spending a lot of time here but she's being a bit elusive and we just want to know where she is and that she's ok " that tells them you care ( and may not be the abusers she paints you as ) also say the boy is always welcome at yours sometimes . Big smile , friendly .
The police won't get involved if you know where she is btw .
Social services advised us to not let our DD leave home , always be there .
I have a lovely relationship with her now , boyfriend has gone after 2 years . She calls those times the crazy times !