Soon to be 14 year old slipping away

[VB26]

Hi all, wondering if my feelings are normal.

I have two beautiful boys age nearly 11 and nearly 14. The 14 year old has really found himself the past 6 months and has developed a new found confidence and a set of best friends who he spends all his time with (but unfortunately he has also dabbled in stuff he shouldn't be dabbling in but that's another story).

I'm struggling that he is no longer the little boy that relied on me and who always wanted to be with me and his dad and brother. His friends have taken our place and I hate it. Which is SO unreasonable I know. We do our best to raise our children to be independent, decent human beings and I knew that this stage was always going to come but I just can't handle it. He spends all his time in his room, all his spare time with friends and when we tell him Sunday evenings are family time he thinks we are the worst people ever.

Tonight he told me he's probably going to spend his birthday evening with his friends after also telling me today he doesn't want to come on a family camping holiday this year. I have spent all evening crying. Like I said, I am not stupid enough to think he would forever want to be with us but I just wasn't ready for it yet. I am trying so hard to cling onto him but he's slipping through my fingers.

I think back to being 15 and staying at home whilst my mum and dad went on holiday. And I'm trying to tell myself that being with your parents at his age isn't cool (and is so boring) but I'm terrified he is never going to come back to us; I feel so detached from him.

All my friends have younger children so I don't know who to ask if this is normal? I am aching for that little boy back.

I know I sound totally naive and unreasonable. Sorry :(

Thanks for reading x

Isn’t there a saying that it’s harder to let them
go, then bring them into the world.

It’s a totally normal part of growing up, and a totally normal emotion.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KaVlt-JyDGk

What’s he dabbling in?

Yes- it’s part and parcel of being a parent.

I have teens aged 14 to 18. A lot of this sounds normal, but the holiday would be non negotiable. You're not going to leave a 14yo alone at home for a week are you?

So true isn't it. Too emotional to watch that video at the moment but thank you :)

Hmm. I'm not sure I'd let my 14yo who is "dabbling" stay at home unsupervised while the family went on holiday. At 14, they'd be coming along whether they liked it or not.

He's 14. He doesn't get to choose whether he's going on the family holiday.

To confirm, we are not planning on letting him stay home whilst we go away. I just meant he's requested it!

Ok phew!

But I'm glad you're all saying the same and that he shouldn't be allowed to stay at home. This teenage parenting is a total new ball game!!

You still set the limits of his new found independence, he’s 14 not 18.

I do feel that you get them back again though. They seem to submerge into this phase, then emerge again and actually want to spend time with you.
Fingers crossed!!

Ahh it’s bloody hard, I have one the same age, also pushing boundaries. My wiser friend with older children told me to pick my battles, good advice. we’ve also found one on one time doing something he wants has helped as well as being an open house to friends. I have been very relaxed about friends being round and I seem to be constantly feeding teenagers but he’s in my house I know who he’s with, I prefer it. He has also picked our holiday this year, a picturesque place he likes in the uk, nothing fancy. I know some people think they are 14, you are the parent they don’t get a choice, but it’s not an approach I like or would want to use.

They come back. My 19yo and 21yo are both very happy to come on holiday with us if we're paying! The 16yo hasn't yet experienced the joys of doing his own shopping and laundry, and paying his own way, so he's less keen on us. He'll get there.

Honestly as someone with 2 kids on the spectrum who have struggled with bullying and social exclusion on and off throughout their childhoods I would say be very grateful your child has found his tribe and is happy. Watching your kids crying as noone wants to be friends with them or dealing with bullying is much harder. Luckily my kids are now in much better places as older teens but it was very difficult to watch them so unhappy. What you are experiencing is normal and they will absolutely come back to you in a few years. As long as they aren't getting in trouble try to enjoy this time and focus more on yourself as soon enough your younger one will be off with their mates!

Thank you, this is something I hadn't thought of. I'm sorry your children had to go through that; it must have been so tough to deal with. I'm glad they're through it now. Thanks again for your reply.

Thanks so much for all your replies. We are fully aware he is only 14 and still needs a lot of parental guidance. Every age has its phase; I'm just finding this one by far the hardest! Thanks again. X

I remember putting my then ds age 14 on a train to London. I said ld wave him off and he told me to go away!

Hes 30 now and lovely. Just lovely. So easy to chat to and be around. We text every day q

OP, my advice is to think of things that might persuade him to want to join you. For example my DS1 loves a full English breakfast from a cafe and would never turn that down!

Not much to say except that I am right there with you in very similar circumstsances. It seems to have happened very quickly. And I am feeling a lot of sadness which no-one warned me about. I am told it's all normal.

I've cried many times over the past year about my teenage son, not only the fact that I felt I was losing him but at times because of the fear of him growing up into someone I didn't want him to be. Some of the traits of teenage boys are just not pleasant (lazy, entitled etc)
BUT he's reached 15.5 and there is light showing at the end of the tunnel! He's still lazy of course and still prefers to be in his room or with his mates but he does talk to me and very occasionally seeks my company or my opinion or help with something. 14 was the absolute pits of an age but it's getting better. I have 3 brothers and they are all very nice men who love our parents a lot and like spending time with them. They were all horrors as teenagers. Just as in fact I was, if I look back honestly. It passes. Don't break your heart over it if you can help it.

Yep! It's too expensive to do regularly but if I offer him a Nando's he will never turn me down!