Late developers and competitive sports

[SherylBee]

DS2 14 has delayed puberty, he's emotionally mature but physically still a small boy compared to his friends most of whom seem to have reached the end of puberty by now with facial and body hair, deep voices, muscular build etc. Doctors say no treatment as no medical concerns and DS is fit and well, just 'a late developer' and 'will eventually get there', just later than others (DS1 normal developer, both DH and I were normal developers, both well above average height). Other than the huge impact on his overall self confidence (a whole different topic!), the main issue for DS is sports. Unlike his older brother, DS2 has always been a very sporty child, he loves competitive sports, he thrives on physical challenge and seems to have a great level of natural ability as well as a good attitude and willingness to work hard and keep on improving his skills. Until now he has been able to compensate for the physical disadvantage with superior skills and workrate but it has now reached a point where it is becoming a factor, he is just so much smaller and less developed than his peers, some of the boys he plays with are easily twice his size with full adult male physiques. He was recently dropped from a sports talent programme due to lacking in 'physical potential' and I fear more rejections may now be coming as the physical differences are becoming more obvious. It's so horrible for him and I don't know what to do, as it seems that he is just so far (many years!) behind his peers and even though he might eventually catch up physically, by then it will be too late to catch up on all the missed opportunities. I'm really worried about the mental health impact, what it will do to DS, being rejected because of something that he has no control over and no amount of work or training can fix, from going to where he is at the moment, always having excelled at sports, selected for teams and awards and sport in general being 'his thing', to being dropped. DH thinks DS should quit while he's ahead and concentrate on other interests (he also plays an instrument and loves music) so that his lasting memory of competitive sports is a good one and not one of rejection and not being good enough. I'm not so sure, his friends are mostly from sport and I guess I'm still stupidly hoping for a miracle and that he can somehow cling on for a while longer. Has anyone had similar experiences? What did you do, how did you help your children? Any advice?

What sport is he doing? And why do you think it’s his height / size that’s the problem and not his skill level?

Honestly, for as long as your DS is physically 'behind', he's not going to keep up with many of the competitive sports at his age, because his strength and height just aren't there (both being missing are the key). Can he stick with club sport, if safe, to keep his skills up?
We had a similar experience with our DS and rugby, as our DS didn't start growing until 14/15 yrs (like his lanky arse mother) and was incredibly slim until his early 20s. He's 23 now and has finally started to fill out a little, although he's still slim. He's now 6'4", and finally stopped at about 19 yrs old. I have other friends who also had very tall, late growers just like him; it's not unusual and given that both you and DH are tall, it's likely that your DS will also be tall. My DS dropped rugby at 15/16 when all of his mates suddenly really filled out and he just kept going up (and that was after a year - before that he was short and skinny).
If it's rugby you're talking about, I can understand fully why they would drop him in these circumstances as it's downright dangerous mixing men's bodies with a pre-pubescent one, esp. once they get past 14. Other sports are less dangerous, but they will have a significant advantage with the testosterone.

He does many different sports (rugby, swimming, athletics the main ones). We have had detailed feedback from his coaches/clinics/camps/talent programme.

@knackeredBack How did your DS drop rugby, did he decide it himself or did you have to persuade him? Did he have other sports, or did he do something else instead? That's my worry with my DS is that for him it's all or nothing and that he would be lost without his sports as that's where his friends and social life are (at the moment though I appreciate these things change as they get older).

Hi OP, my DS dropped rugby but carried on with cricket, hockey and athletics. He's said that now he'd quite fancy going back to rugby (if only to be able to hard tackle some of his ex-school 'friends'!). He dropped it himself as although he looked impressive coming onto the pitch, the opposition soon realised that he'd almost fold up, upon tackling, i.e. laws of physics re: mass and momentum.

Can you see if your DS would give up on the rugby and/or the swimming (both heavily related to muscle mass, hence very much affected by a lower level of testosterone currently). Carrying on with swimming though will be fab for his cardio and the athletics should also be doable. You may just have to sell this downtime to him as preparation for his body changing - keep the cardio, and the skills and try to avoid the injuries. Good luck.

This is the unfairness of life. have you read the book Outliers Op - by Malcolm Gladwell - he analyses the DOB of succesful athletes in several fields - and finds they are uniformly the 'oldest' of their peer group ie. In the UK they are the septeber/ october born cohort and in other countries - the oldest in those years.

It is that unfair - those who are the biggest/ strongest of the cohort they are competing with - do the best.

Could he switch for a while to something like climbing? keep fit, stay strong and come back to more competitive stuff later?

Rugby wingers aren't huge but have to be very fast. Injury risk is higher if oppo twice your size. Swimming - body length counts! Athletics he'll be up against long legged runners and lads with more muscle.
Football - skill and speed count more
Other sports similar. Maybe look at new sports for a year or two or drop down a level?

OP I assume he's on some forms of elite / talent pathway etc Sadly the reality is that these are full of giant kids IME and the smaller ones get rejected. In football academies both boys are girls parent heights are assessed also to predict future height and build. There are a few exceptions to the rules but not many. He may just have to accept he can't keep up the level right now. It's rubbish but not sure it'll ever change

Thank you for all the comments and advice, it all makes sense and I think deep down I probably knew it, just seems so awful and cruel and unfair on DS when he has worked so hard for so many years. I'm not sure that he would want to step down a level at any of his main sports at this stage when he's got so far, but swapping as suggested might work. He has tried climbing before and liked it but it lacked the intense competitiveness that he loves though I can see that it might be something that he would enjoy as he gets older and climbers do seem very strong and fit and cool so that would definitely appeal to him.

Skateboarding ?

My dd swims competitively. One of the 14 year old boys is very small compared to his peers but he's also one of the best. I'm sad for your dc but that's life. Hopefully it will all even out for him in the end. I'd just keep giving him that message.

Also wanted to add that DH and I are not pushy sports parents and ultimately don't care about talent programmes, academies etc we just want DS2 to be happy. DS1 has never been into competitive sports at all and only does sports for fun (keeping fit, running, skiing etc).

Unfortunately this happens across many sports and physical activities like dance etc. I know very talented girls rejected from top ballet schools after dedicating their whole childhoods to it because their growth predictions didn't fit with what their classical school wanted. It's hard, but it's an early lesson that life isn't fair and that it's always good to have a range of interests.

Honestly, it's probably good to drop Rugby before he gets too far into senior level. Some horrifying new studies on brain damage in rugby players out there.

I was also going to suggest climbing, being small, and light, but strong is an advantage. It can be very competitive if you are good at it. Also it would be a pity to drop the swimming. I can see that rugby will be a challenge. It is the same for boys who have reached puberty but are not tall, rugby doesn't tend to be for them.

Could he switch to coaching or referee until he catches up physically? Keep his hand in, continue training, and hopefully, he will be able to get back into it once he's caught up.

What are his events in athletics?

If I were him, I would put the energies there - the training will still be worth the effort he's put in when he does develop, and it doesn't carry the same physical injury risk as the rugby, and will keep him fast and fit if he wants to go back to rugby later.

Our best rugby player on ds's club team is the smallest. But he's the most intelligent one on the field and can kick that ball. He is scrum half/fly half and he runs the game. He also gets a lot of conversions!
Yet he won't make any pathways at this stage due to his size. However we once had a talk from an England rugby player who didn't start playing rugby until he was at uni so you can be spotted late.
On the other side one boy who developed early, was really strong and fast and thought he was god's gift, is now being overtaken by the other lads and is not too happy he now has competition.

This is a great suggestion! Really focus on athletic and get his running time up. Size would determine his distance with smaller build going for middle and longer distance. Do keep the sport but maybe where his size is the preferred build. Like another MN post this is like ballet where size is important if you need to take it to another level.

My own children have been/are going through this and it is really difficult. My ds grew at 16 and is now 6ft 2”, but those years between 13-15 were really tough. He was a downhill mountain biker and British cycling works in calendar years so he was very young as a November born.

In the longer-term, it can be an advantage to mature late, early bloomers rely on their physical presence and lack technique, whereas later developers have to master technique to compete. Later they have both technique and physical presence and will overtake their less skilful team mates.

My children play hockey, where size matters less. If your son is naturally sporty he would pick it up and be skilful within a season - it might be something to consider.

The vast majority of the sporting population do not compete at National level, they will all find their best level and plateau at some point. That moment is really hard - they’ve gone from improving and progressing to simply training to maintain a steady state. Those times when things are hard and training isn’t paying off are tough. That’s why resilience is so important in life but I think everybody experiences it.

I would encourage him to continue with whatever he loves doing, but manage his expectations in the medium term. Enjoying sport for the love of it is something that your son can take through his whole adult life, it’s a shame to give it up. By the time he gets to Uni or early adulthood they will all be on an even footing again and even if certain pathways are not available, competitive sport is still an excellent way of having a wide circle of friends and there are still ‘edge of the seat’ moments in all levels of adult sport !

Refereeing is a great shout, keeps them fit and they learn a different dimensions to games. My DC do it. Paid too

I have a small very slim 16 year old who is a late developer and into sports (at local club level). Football was his thing but he is so small compared to other 15/16 year olds, he was being outmuscled and anything involving jumping/heading the ball he had little chance of getting near it. I'd add to the suggestions of climbing. My DS started indoor bouldering and although his height does limit him on some of the climbs being unable to reach holds, he's made great progress and is able to climb things other taller heavier people cannot, because he's so light and strong. He's also building technique so that when he does grow, he's hoping he'll be able to scamper up the climbs he can't currently reach.
He's also a good runner and although he hasn't shown an interest in taking it further, he's great at middle to long distance running and I would also have tried to get him interested in cross-country, there's loads of junior races around where I am.

My ds is quitting rugby at the end of this year because he is a late developer. He's also not particularly talented at sport so I am pleased he has decided to quit as it was getting dangerous. He is starting with a football team and we have managed to find one that is a bit more relaxed that looks like it should suit him well. It is a tough deal being a late developer.

Another shout for Reffing. DS started the training and certification alongside playing when it became obvious he was going to be comparatively smaller. At 17 he's part of the team reffing international games and as PP said earning good money. The reffing has also taught him a lot about the game so when he plays, he plays better and definitely 'smarter'. Most importantly he's really kept in the social side of the game and most of his mates ate still part of the clubs.

@HaveringGold that's amazing. I'm pushing mine to ref to decent level now. Others have also pointed out to me how much it teaches them a boy the game. Keeps up fitness too