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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Increasingly concerned by very "childlike" 14yo DD

27 replies

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 07/04/2024 12:21

Dd is an only child and she has always "moved to the beat of her own drum". However I am starting to get really quite concerned that she is not showing any of the usual teen girl interests or moved towards growing up. To be clear I have no desire for her to start being interested in makeup, clothes, drinking or anything like that.
however she shows no real sign of what I would consider normal teen stuff. She still reads Malory Towers and the Famous Five, plays with hobbyhorses obsessively (yes I know it's a big thing in Finland etc abd normal there because I have to listen to it endlessly) and Prefers the company of 11yos over her peers. She is in a smaller school (60 in her year) and has a couple of friends but really only has her two female friends that she has known since she was 8. She gets along with the others but doesn't want to go to any effort to be more than acquaintances. Several of her previous good friends have grown away from her as they grow up. At school she is a music scholar and spends most of her free time with the music staff and the other music scholars.

I know that a lot of people will envy me but I'm getting a bit worried that she is not "keeping up" with her friends and becoming increasingly marginalised because she is so fixated on her very childish interests. She's also quite emotionally immature; her idea of fun is a tickle fight or playing chase and then moans nobody wants to have fun with her. She's bright and there are no issues with school work apart from getting her to do it.

I guess I need a bit of reassurance that this will pass or that it's not really unusual. ive got no problem with her liking these things but I'm worried she is losing friends because they don't want to play childish games with her, understandably. I don't know whether it might be a contributor but she only started her periods the month befor she turned 14

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 07/04/2024 12:24

Is she NT?

Marblessolveeverything · 07/04/2024 12:26

She may simply be a late bloomer but as a parent I would be concerned about her loosing friends and finding new ones with a big age gap, 11 and 14 tend not to be friend groups socially.

Maybe she just doesn't like the alternative paths her peers are taking but it would help to be sure that's a choice rather than a need of support to navigate it.

Original poster
StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 07/04/2024 12:28

BoohooWoohoo · 07/04/2024 12:24

Is she NT?

Yes appears to be. No concerns raised through school and certainly nothing I've observed

OP posts:
Skillest · 07/04/2024 12:31

What's her independence like?

It's no issue what she reads or how she fills her time. I would however be concerned if a 14yo was not developing any independence. Things like taking a bus ride without parents, being home alone, making her own dinners, taking care of herself and her hygiene without prompting, being on her own at extra curricular things like swimming, dancing etc.

The emotional immaturity would be a concern too, especially if sitting alongside non-developing independence.

ProfessorPeppy · 07/04/2024 12:37

There are a fair few flags for neurodivergence here, OP. Not having same interests as peer group, musician/musical, young style of play, sensory seeking (tickle fight).

You don’t necessarily need to do anything but I would absolutely raise your concerns with school, because they might be able to put some support in place re: friendships, should she need it. Lots of our ND girls have supported break times due to finding the hustle and bustle of the playground too much.

Mumdiva99 · 07/04/2024 12:40

My dd is similar in some respects. We have friends a few years younger who she can still enjoy playing with. She is growing up slowly but just isn't interested in boys, clothes, music etc. I see her gaining more independence in that she will now walk to a volunteering role on her own. She can cook a meal for the family etc etc so I don't worry too much about the rest. (I do think she is ND. She is similar to her dad in many ways.) She joins in things at school which are for her age.
All people and kids are different. Plenty of adults are into toys, miniature figures, Disney, collecting etc etc so don't stress too much.

TheSnowyOwl · 07/04/2024 12:43

She sounds like she could be autistic to me. It’s often very different to the stereotypical behaviour people assume, especially in girls. However, immaturity, friends with younger children, playing or watching things all the time…

Can you speak to your school’s senco?

(I’m autistic and have two autistic daughters).

downsizedilemma · 07/04/2024 12:47

She sounds absolutely lovely. It's really great that she feels able to be herself and is not pressurised into faking an interest in more 'grown up' things. I think it's a huge credit to you and to school.

Regarding friends, I know a lot of quirky teenagers and none of them have huge friend groups. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. There is a lot of drama and heartache that can come with big friend groups and perhaps your DD and the young people I know are steering away from that. Friendships esp for girls in the teenage years can be quite bruising. It sounds like she is seeking out like-minded people, which is very wise.

MrsMitford3 · 07/04/2024 12:50

My DD was always young in her skin.

I think she was around 11 or 12 and went to a friends house and came home very disappointed. The friend had an amazing apple orchard and DD wanted to play out there but she said the friends just wanted to stay in bedroom and look at phones.

She said to me (which we quote endlessly) "Why are they all in such a hurry to grow up???? Once you are grown up you can't pretend to be a cat"

She did catch up-on her terms and is a happy well adjusted 20 something.

So it doesn't have to be anything more than being out of synch at the time.

Original poster
StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 07/04/2024 12:51

She's pretty independent, has to stay at home quite a bit in her own and spends hours up the yard. She doesn't go anywhere much on the bus unless she has to get thr trsin to school which she is fine with.
washing is a big issue, she just always finds something else she'd rather do. It's hand in hand with a complete disregard for her appearance unless in an evening gown....

OP posts:
Toothtastic · 07/04/2024 12:54

Also wondering if ND and would be looking at assessment. It can be incredibly helpful and important in understanding themselves, how to move in the world etc.

Nn9011 · 07/04/2024 12:54

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 07/04/2024 12:51

She's pretty independent, has to stay at home quite a bit in her own and spends hours up the yard. She doesn't go anywhere much on the bus unless she has to get thr trsin to school which she is fine with.
washing is a big issue, she just always finds something else she'd rather do. It's hand in hand with a complete disregard for her appearance unless in an evening gown....

I would encourage you to look up how Autism presents in teenage girls. Many girls have good reports from school despite struggling internally.
Disregard for appearance and hygiene, special interests that seem very childlike, not really being overly social, whilst not being enough to diagnose would make me think that's what it could be.

hjrl · 07/04/2024 12:55

When you say spends hours up the yard, does she have a horse?

ProfessorPeppy · 07/04/2024 12:56

Not washing is also v common in ND girls, it’s a type of demand avoidance.

I’m fairly convinced I’m ND and was always a bit out of step with my peers until late teens. I could have done with a bit of extra help with stuff like hygiene (took me years to find the right deodorant/soap combo) and my mum (also ND) could have helped me by being more flexible about typical teenage stuff like hair removal/hair colouring etc.

Pieceofpurplesky · 07/04/2024 13:00

She sounds like me! I was the same at her age and even now am not interested in make up and fashion, read young adult books (and others), i was still playing with dolls at 13/14 - I spend half my time day dreaming still, but without the dolls.

My DS is the same.

We are both fully functional adults with quirks! He is autistic - I have never been tested but suspect I may be.

She will be fine - she's just a quirky kid.

CanaryCanary · 07/04/2024 13:02

There are a lot of red flags there for autism.

I’d really recommend you read up on autism in teenage girls and have a think about whether she could be autistic. If she is, then a diagnosis would help her to access support, understand herself, and find her niche in life.

rainbowstardrops · 07/04/2024 13:09

Maybe that's just the way she rocks?!
My DD has just turned 19. She's never been into makeup or fashion or overly socialising. She has friends but she woukdnt instigate meeting up with them.
Wanting to play with younger children/younger activities is a bit unusual but maybe that's just who she is?!

Summerhillsquare · 07/04/2024 13:13

I still had my cuddly toys and played yard games at school and home at that age. Wasn't really keen on makeup etc. I was quite independent though with travel, preparing food, etc.

Original poster
StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 07/04/2024 16:18

hjrl · 07/04/2024 12:55

When you say spends hours up the yard, does she have a horse?

Yes she loans a pony

its interesting about demand avoidance, she has freely admitted herself that as soon as she is asked to do anything she feels like she doesn't want to do it abd her knee jerk reaction to anything she is asked to do is "no". This leads to all sorts of issues and if I want her to do anything without a massive battle I have to phrase the request very carefully.
this leads to massive rows between her and Dh who is very much of the "do as you are told" school of thought despite being very demand avoidant himself.

OP posts:
baggagecabbage · 07/04/2024 19:09

She could just be a late bloomer. I was also a very "young" teenager. Not quite the same circumstances as your DD but I was an army brat and and up until I was 12, went to a tiny school in Brunei that had only three classes. When we moved to a small town in Yorkshire after my dad came out in the army, I got huge culture shock and really went into myself. I was still reading Enid Blyton and playing with Barbie when I was 13. I want in to Take That or Westlife and had no interest in boys until I was 18.
My parents didn't seem to worry as I was very happy to just do my own thing and they were probably grateful that I was that way rather than a tearaway. I would say that when I got my first part time job at 17, I started to catch up with my peers. I would still say I have my quirks but since then have pretty much led a normal life and had many adventures. Never been short of a boyfriend Wink

Sorry for the essay but basically just wanted to say don't worry. Smile

EddieVeddersfoxymop · 07/04/2024 19:38

My 16 year old is something like this too - has friends but doesn't instigate meeting up, quite immature for her age (doesn't like being left home alone, prefers being accompanied to activities, no boys, hair makeup etc) and obsesses over her particular interests. She struggles with friends as she's really into quirky hobbies and no one really "gets" her. I suspect she's on the spectrum. She eventually catches up in her own time.

waterrat · 08/04/2024 23:44

She sounds lovely op! What a great range of interests and so nice for a young teen not to be obsessed with gaming social media and make up..

Reading it I did think of autism. My daughter is autistic and there are some key traits here. Monotropism...ie. fixed interests...so the hobby horses. Also seems she has a neurodiverse communication style where she isnt noticing and responding to others interests or lack of interest in what she is talking about.

Autistic girls do tend to find it harder to fit in socially as they get older....its also common to get on better with adults.

She may well cope fine academically and have enough friends to get by...but it will help her in adult life to understand if she is ND

RainIsCosy · 08/04/2024 23:48

Sounds like my own ND daughter. Her interests make her happy though. Just love her for who she is.

InsolentNoise · 23/07/2024 17:44

MrsMitford3 · 07/04/2024 12:50

My DD was always young in her skin.

I think she was around 11 or 12 and went to a friends house and came home very disappointed. The friend had an amazing apple orchard and DD wanted to play out there but she said the friends just wanted to stay in bedroom and look at phones.

She said to me (which we quote endlessly) "Why are they all in such a hurry to grow up???? Once you are grown up you can't pretend to be a cat"

She did catch up-on her terms and is a happy well adjusted 20 something.

So it doesn't have to be anything more than being out of synch at the time.

My DS and I pretend to be cats all the time 😂
He is 16.

FictionalCharacter · 23/07/2024 17:56

At school she is a music scholar and spends most of her free time with the music staff and the other music scholars.
I think this compensates somewhat for many of her friends moving on. Also she spends a lot of time at the livery yard. So she’s spending a lot of time on music and riding - interests that are time consuming, really good valuable activities, and she does mix with people. I wouldn’t be too worried. Better that she lives like this at her age, than spends her life on her phone being moody and doing her nails.

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