13 yr old DS has become inert...lazy...and it drives me mad!

[Treatmewell]

So, I know it's a rites of passage, but there was a time when DS was really active and into so much - art, music, always up for a club.

He's 13.5 and whilst he plays football in a team (because his dad manages it, prob, which was because we really wanted him to have balance), it's so fucking hard getting him to do anything else.

He just wants to game, or watch TV or be on his phone. Some days he will go and play football in the park with friends, but it is screen more than anything else.

I get that it's how they socialise now but it really drives me mad. He constantly needs to 'download'...have a 'chill day'. From what, exactly? Whilst I let him, I also try to impose boundaries so he's not screening-it all the time but it's such a huge battle.

he's also just told me that he doesn't like reading anymore. This really upsets me. I'm a writer by trade.

Please please tell me this is a phase and how I should handle it...

I don’t have teenagers yet but I do remember school being pretty exhausting once you start getting towards GCSE years, so he probably does just want to chill sometimes however that doesn’t mean he can opt out of family life. What about having an evening a week (or a part of each evening) that is screen free for everyone? All phones including yours in a drawer. I wouldn’t worry that his interests are changing, that’s bound to happen isn’t it? You don’t get a lot of 20 year olds going along to activities suggested by their mums. It’s great that he’s keeping up with the sport. Sounds like a nice boy but he’s not a little boy any more.

And I bet he’ll come back to reading in time, I remember my mum being sad that I went from reading tonnes to a lot less. Quite honestly after homework I was a bit read out

Well, he gets barely any homework. And this is all the time, even during holidays.

I get his not a little boy, of course, and i support that change. I just worry about him doing too little. We insist he stops gaming/phone at 8pm latest, and then he can watch some shows with us - which is fine. But it's still SCREEN all the way.

Don't take it personally that he doesn't like reading.

At this age many teens grow out of interests they have had.

We had some success trying new things as a family - we tried badminton, tennis, martial arts etc. it also models for them that you are not just watching a screen all the time.

My soon to be 13 year old is exactly the same, often says he's exhausted by the slightest activity and just wants to chill all the time. But by contrast, he literally won't shut up either... if he's with you, he's yapping my ear off the whole time. I think a lot is going on for him physically and mentally, he's started puberty but not in the depths of it yet so I wonder if that's part of the tiredness. I think we've all become victims of screens and they are too reliant on them but it's very hard to manage isn't it? What would be an acceptable compromise for you?

Mine is also 13 and quite similar
He spends a lot of time on screens sadly and this is a huge change from a year or so ago. He had also started to lie in and be hard to get up (despite screens and Wi-Fi being taken away at night) which he never used to do. He never reads any more either

The saving grace is that he will alternate it with bouncing mindlessly on the trampoline, swinging or doing pull ups on our door bar. He does these multiple times a day alternating with the screens. It's sort of a habit. If we don't have the door bar up he does pull ups on the stair bannister so it seems to be like a need. He also had a gym membership and goes with his mates. I suspect they hang around being annoying rather than work out but I figure it gets him out.

So I guess get a door pull up bar is my advice!

It’s because screen is addictive. It’s very like sugar or alcohol in some ways. The more they have the more they want, and the less enjoyable everything else becomes.

He needs a screenfree detox. One month without phone or gaming and he’ll be able to find other things interesting again. After that strictly controlled timings.

I know that is a huge thing and I know you can’t be arsed with it but I also know it’s the only thing that improves screen addiction. Screen is the reason he no longer enjoys reading or art, just as someone who’s got into heroin can no longer get much satisfaction out of weed.

You will get other opinions but do bear in mind that all opinions you’re getting here including mine are from people on a screen at 10am on a Sunday morning…

You can limit and control the internet - there are apps to let you switch individual devices on and off, if you get the app for your broadband provider it should have that. It’s harder to physically remove screens and I know teens rely on their phones for social contact so I try to bear that in mind, but I will use no internet as a consequence for not doing chores, or behaviour issues etc. My teen luckily does like going out with friends including for some physical activities, but if she was on screens all day every day I think I’d limit it to certain time periods and make it dependent on getting some exercise.

I do think it’s normal for them to want to disappear off to their rooms and take less part in family life. Do make sure you have parental controls and settings sorted out though so he can’t access porn, discord etc, check in with him about if he’s chatting to strangers via games or any other way and make sure he understands all the dangers, and block that if needed. My teen has it drummed into her all the time that there are people online who will exploit, blackmail you, ask for nude pics etc and to always be on her guard. Even if you make it impossible they need to know this because they’ll be free to access whatever they want soon enough.

it’s also very true that we all do it, but I don’t think screen use in itself is bad if you do other things and it’s not causing you problems. Gaming, online information, etc can be good for kids depending on what they are (eg Minecraft teaches a lot of skills, gaming can be good for relaxing). Things like Pinterest can be very calming and creative. But kids have to learn moderation.

I found it helpful to think back to being pregnant.

I was exhausted. I wasn’t visibly doing much, but I was knackered. My hormones were incredibly busy, my body was building an actual human, so on a cellular level I was a hive of activity, while physically I wasn’t doing much.

Adolescence is like that. Deluge of hormones, brain and body changing, and the result is to be tired and need a lot of rest.

I have a teenage boy and this speaks to me.

Who says I can't be arsed with it? There's a lot of assumptions in your post.

I can't detox him for a month. Do you have teenagers? Do you realise who wildly untenable that is?

Actually he appears to have developed a sense of self preservation.

Screen time is controlled and he is identifying a need to chill. Honestly this is growth. He is preprogrammed to rebel, if this is the limit of it I would let him be.

Keep communication open, enjoy the shared TV time and let him be. They have a lot going on; brain development, social reshuffle, physical changes etc.

My now 16 year old is back reading history books, has added more sports to his repertoire and has started collecting vintage rock vinyl.

I am lucky my mother had the foresight to advise me to let him be (within reason).

-He has controls on everything so he can't access stuff he doesn't see
-I do put limitations and boundaries on screen time; it's our biggest battle and one he does not have free reign over. But it's still a battle
-He socialises with his mates this way - girls and boys - especially when it's so wet they can't go to the park. You can hear them all laughing their heads off. I realise that it's totally different to how I socialised and I'm trying to be mindful of that but it's hard
-But I can't just pull the plug as he'll feel ostracised from his mates
-I realise things have changed, he is changing
-It's easier to limit during school time than holidays - and I have to work!

Ok then I think as you have the controls etc in hand and it is limited, it’s ok. Agree with a pp they do get lethargic and blobby, pregnancy is a good comparison. Let him be annoyed with you, he doesn’t have to like it that you’re in charge, but you are.