14 year old!

[4kids4444]

Advice appreciated please.
My 14 year old has been increasingly pushing boundaries over the last 12 months. Nothing surprising about that however on Tuesday I found out her and a friend had been sold vodka in a local shop. They consumed this and then came back to my house. I was putting my 5 year old to bed when they came in so I didn’t realise at first. They then went up to the bedroom and I thought they were settling down to bed.
At 1am I woke to water pouring through the ceiling underneath the en-suite near her bedroom. If seems one of them had vomited on the sofa, on the stairs and then the sink when I was asleep in bed. They must have tried to clear the sink (whilst intoxicated) by running water. Of course the sink was blocked with vomit but instead of turning it off they left it running.
Anyway, I addressed this with them the next day and they initially denied everything. I removed my daughters phone and grounded her. A day later my daughter admitted she had been drinking vodka but told me that she thought that would get her phone back.

I am worried about her and want to check her phone to make sure she isn’t taking anything else or in trouble in anyway, so I have said she can have it back when she gives me the password to check it. She feels it’s an invasion of her privacy and says none of her friends parents do this.
Am I really alone in making this request? Am I being unreasonable?

I'm a secondary school safeguarding lead.

All parents should have the pin number to their teens phone. I remind my parents (at school) about thus frequently.

Drinking alcohol to excess one time is unlikely to equal drug use, if I'm honest. But I'd still insist she doesn't have access to any phone you don't have access to.

Once that is established, check her phone regularly- say weekly. If anything seems 'up' check it more often.

Just wanted to pop in and say, I think it's very frequently heard that children will say to their parents that "none of my friends parents do this". But it's just not true. Children don't know the ins and outs of the ways their friends are parented or about all rules and boundaries within everyone else's homes.

I think you're being more than reasonable to ask to access her phone. I've told my daughter the same, she is allowed to use a mobile but I must always know the password until she is older. It's one of the many ways we can keep them safe.

I have my 15y old’s PIN and have it set so she can’t change it. I check it periodically if I am concerned. She is a good girl but I found evidence of vaping and inappropriate messages that I needed to act upon and I would have known nothing about this at all had I not checked her phone. I think it is important to help keep them safe.

Completely agree with this 100 per cent even at 14 or 15 its important to be checking their phones on a regular basis I check my sons evrey week but those of you that have girls it's even more important to check due to male behaviour online towards women and girls.as parents we will always worry but checking devices on a regular basis gives me some peace of mind and I have a good idea what ds is doing online.

I am worried about her and want to check her phone to make sure she isn’t taking anything else or in trouble in anyway, so I have said she can have it back when she gives me the password to check it. She feels it’s an invasion of her privacy and says none of her friends parents do this.

Well the friend's parents should be looking at her phone too.

In a way it is an invasion of privacy but she lost that right by drinking and flooding the bathroom / leaving vomit for you to clear up.

I would tell her you will not be angry about what you find on there (and stick to that, it might need counting to 10 a lot) but you are concerned about her behaviour and that of some of her friends.

I'd also march her round tot he off licence and let them know they sold alcohol to two underage girls.