Teenage DD HELP!

[teenagemutant]

DD is 14 and I'm just finding her so frustrating at the moment!

Throughout junior school she had a very small group of friends but seemed happy. Was a bit of a teachers pet, very academic, always a glowing school report etc.

First year of high school was similar, seemed to make a decent group of friends. Was doing things socially, all seemed good.

Once she moved into year 8 though things seemed to shift. She seemed to move away from her group of friends and only ever talk about or hang out with one person. Not an issue in itself but she's also gradually lost any form of confidence, has no interest in doing anything, no hobbies, everything's 'boring' Whenever we try and talk about her future or what she might want to do with her life it's a huge drama, she's rubbish at everything, everything's boring, there's nothing in the world she wants to do. If we try and suggest anything there's always reason she can't do it.

The only thing that really interests her is watching football.
She follows all the players on social media and the only thing that seems to bring her joy is seeing what they do in their lives.
Social media wise, she has all parental controls set. Limited screen time per day, no phones in bedrooms, and is aware that I check through everything. I regularly make her have complete tech breaks but all she talks about during these is what the footballers might be doing or what they've done in the past. She does also enjoy playing board games so to engage with her we spend pretty much all our free time playing them with her, but she's unbearable if she doesn't win, it's like having a giant toddler 😂

I don't even know what I'm asking just some general advice about how to navigate the negativity, handle the drama and stay calm without turning to wine 🍷

Not much advice to give but just to say I feel your pain and found that age particularly difficult. Dd was quite withdrawn and negative. I felt like I was a failure somehow and couldn’t do right for doing wrong. We are a couple of years further on and although we still have our moments, things are much improved. Our relationship is good and just generally a bit less intense. I think it’s really good that you do the board games.

Biting my tongue helped. And I did turn sometimes turn to wine.

Thanks for your message. I have a constant internal battle with myself telling me that I've completely failed her but then also that it's just normal teenage attitude!

Sign her up to a girls football team/practice sessions? Some form of physical exercise (not school PE) will be very beneficial to her mental health and confidence.

Thanks, we have tried but she hated it. We have a very active dog so we do go out walking a lot. She does get plenty of fresh air and exercise (although moans that it's boring!)

Could she join a gym and do some training? I feel your pain!

Do you think she might be ND?

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job @teenagemutant Hang on in there. Bite your tongue, swear inside your head and keep drinking the wine. She will come out the other side in about 3 years (if you are lucky like I was and I've got my girl back!)

"Whenever we try and talk about her future or what she might want to do with her life it's a huge drama, she's rubbish at everything,"

Why are you quizzing her on this, she's only 14!
A lot of unnecessary pressure on her.
Teens mature at different ages and you have to accept her the way she is. Not the way you want her to be. Sounds like she's struggling a bit and pushing the Big Bad World into her face is not going to help.

I also agree that initiating conversations about what she might want to do with her life is a seriously heavy number and not appropriate at the moment. Such questions carry with them the implication that she is wasting her life and not preparing properly for the future, and she will hate that undercurrent. And it will make her dig her heels in!!

I had 3 teenage DDs and they did go through phases when they seemed apathetic and directionless. And they spent quite a bit of time in their rooms, listening to music and generally vegging out in what seemed a totally unproductive fashion, but it really did seem to be what they needed to do at that moment. You need to just be there for her and, in a way, trust her to know what she needs just now.

I used to make that plain - "I am not keen on that idea to be honest, but I trust you to make the judgement that is right for you. You know I am here if there is anything you need."

Clearly you need to have a good eye on what is happening and be ready to step in if something is going seriously wrong but teenagers do need a bit of space to just "be".

We're not! She's just had to pick her GCSE options and keeps bringing it up herself. All we ever say is that we're here to support whatever she chooses to do and nobody at her age has a clue what they want to do with their lives!

Sorry for seeming accusatory in my first response. So hard to know out of context.

All you can do is be the consistent 'rock' and don't take anything personally.
That includes not turning to self blame. How kids turn out will be largely determined by genetics unless they've had major adverse events in their lives.

Your DD needs a constant mother so she can bounce around, have her feelings ups and downs and you will largely stay the same. (While sometimes panicking behind closed doors because she doesn't seem to have purpose in her life).

Being a 'good enough' mother is plenty. We won't get everything right we sometimes do 'react' and say or do an unhelpful thing. But the fact you are seeking advice shows what you are a sensitive and caring mother you are.

It is frustrating seeing them step away from hobbies. They can get more self conscious and be very different at 15 than they were at 12.

There's also less opportunities for us as parents to facilitate playdates and events so yeah, the lack of our control over their lives is a painful awakening too for a mother!

Also they don't come home and babble all the friends news like they did. Teens naturally will start to separate from the parents by keeping themselves to themselves and not want to share spaces in the house as much.

We worry about them having 'bad' feelings, but unfortunately that's part of life too.

She might be using the football interest as a distraction and it might be a useful one for her at the minute.
Best of luck with it.

Thanks, sorry I realise how my post may have seemed like we were pressuring her to think about her future - I posted off the back of us all playing a 'challenge' game her little brother got for his birthday where we had to compete doing silly challenges (like bouncing a ball into a cup/ balancing a penny on a chopstick type stuff)
She lost at a challenge and had a meltdown about how terrible she is at everything and how she's never going to do well at anything.
These outbursts seem to have happened a lot more since having to choose her GCSE options so I guess she's feeling the pressure.
I think it's the dramatic delivery of them rather than the content it's self that I find difficult to handle. One minute she can be screaming and crying but then 2 minutes later she'll be laughing and being daft with her brother again.
I guess all in the realms of normal I just sometimes worry I'm doing it all wrong!
I do wish she was a bit more sociable with her friends, she never wants to spend any time out of school with them but I suppose I need to appreciate the fact that she enjoys being with us and spending time with us