Hello
my 19 year old daughter EE was brain damaged as a baby. Her difficulties are hidden to most but she has lots of issues with understanding and communication. She has lost all the friends she has ever made as a result of not being able to understand hidden meanings or be able to negotiate or forgive. That’s left her lonely and with very poor self esteem. She is a beautiful girl and started a relationship 2 years ago with a man who controlled and raped her. He was everything to her so she became hostile to all of her family as they could see what he was doing. This caused immense stress in our house and lead to my youngest daughter (then 15) to develop anxiety and depression. The BF was eventually arrested for coercive control but EE withdraw the complaint as she couldn’t understand why the CPS were taking so long to charge him. She can only see black or white and has no ability to envisage what the future could bring, only sees the here and now.
Her sister has been badly affected by EE’s seeming lack of love towards her as the brain injury has left her without the ability to empathise. A few months ago my youngest attempted suicide.
For the last year EE has had another BF who initially seemed decent but is clearly damaged in some way (abusive father) and has developed an unhealthy, parental role in their relationship. The way he speaks to EE makes me wince. He talks to her like she’s an idiot even in front of me. What’s worse is that EE doesn’t seem to notice. She has had a series of jobs working with horses but doesn’t stay anywhere for long as she either dislikes how she is being treated (misunderstands what people mean and gets offended) or is actually treated badly (I’ve witnessed an example of this so I know it’s not always a misunderstanding).
At the beginning of this relationship the BF moved into our home without any discussion. He was transitioning between jobs and unbeknownst to me had nowhere to live.EE’s behaviour in the house was a problem (maintaining a relationship takes all her energy so she just treats the rest of us with contexmpt) and and this lead to conflict with everyone but caused my youngest the most anxiety. After an argument the BF was told to leave and my EE ended up leaving home too, getting a job with her BF and sharing work accommodation. This lasted 3months until last week when she walked out after being verbally abused (I’ve heard a recording which was truly awful) and she has moved back home.
Meanwhile a month or so ago the BF was arrested for section 18 GBH. The story I have is woolly but as I understand it the BF had an altercation with another man outside a pub and the other man has sustained at least one broken bone. The other man was apparently very drunk and tried to punch the BF twice before the BF landed a punch. The BF is trained in martial arts and is a boxer. He’s also a very fast runner so I don’t believe he had no choice but to assault this other man. There is CCTV of the incident which makes me think the police think the same? The BF has no remorse and actually believes he is a hero.
Last week whilst driving my daughter and the BF from one place to another he became hostile with me and verbally aggressive when I showed hesitation about him staying at our house. He got angry, said he would split up from my daughter if that’s what I wanted and that I “can have her back” if I wanted, like she was a lump of meat. He then jumped out of my car while I was driving. EE was sobbing and got out after him (once I’d stopped) and was angry with me for upsetting him as nothing he says or does is wrong in her eyes. I imagine she is totally dependent on him and terrified of losing him. He then walked in the middle of the road to seemingly try and wind me up. It didn’t make me angry , I was just bewildered as to why he would behave like this and felt shaken up.
EE is now hostile with me as I’m not letting him come into our house. I don’t want to lose EE or want her to think I don’t care about her (she tells me that I won’t see much of her if I don’t let the BF in to our house) but I can’t risk what the BF being in our house could do to my other daughter. She’s already so anxious. I too am anxious as I don’t know when anything is going to kick off. I’m being treated for breast cancer and have been advised to avoid stress as this can increase my risk of it spreading.
i don’t have any friends who can relate to my situation and feel like at a loss as to how I can try so hard yet seem to be failing as a parent on all counts. I wondered if anyone else has any experience similar to mine?