15 year old pursuing unhealthy relationships

[RCMouse]

My 15 year old daughter is desperate for a boyfriend. She lacks secure friendships and as much as I support her to develop these and try to get her to prioritise these she just wants to find that one person who wants her and just sees a boyfriend as the answer. She recently had a 9 month relationship with a boy which neither of them were really that into. Needless to say it ended badly and although she wasn’t even very happy in the relationship she made some silly decisions
(about being more intimate than I feel is appropriate at her age) to try to save the relationship. I was very relieved when they called it a day and it also seemed to help her mental health. A few weeks later though she is desperately seeking another boyfriend. She is now talking to one of his friends online and I think it is getting to the stage of ‘going out’ although it is all just talking atm. I was worried so read her messages (she knows that I check in on her messages after some suicidal thoughts, self harm and vaping). There are some red flags about this boy. He has self harmed and messaged her about it and has also been talking about being drunk. He seems to have bad mental health too. She is so happy about having another boy to talk to that she is ignoring these things I think. I don’t know how to talk to her or what to do that won’t just mean that she just shuts down communication carries on behind my back. Banning her from talking to him is just going to make even more exciting to her I think. Does anyone have any advice on how to get her to see that this is not healthy or how to bring the relationship to an end please?

Hi OP

I was very much like this at her age ( including the past experience with suicidal thoughts etc) and it was due to extreme anxiety and very low self esteem and undiagnosed dyslexia ( although it's taken me 15/20 years to see that's what it was)

I'd try encourage counselling for mental wellbeing and find things she likes/ is good at , for me it would have been art , to try boost her confidence, even a Saturday job would help meeting new people and developing friendships and new social skills.

The mantra that she's a strong independent woman who doesn't need a man for self worth is a hugely important message

I hope she feels better soon 💐

Sorry also , she seems to be putting the emphasis on a boyfriend for self validation / self worth, you need her to find that elsewhere 💕

I was very much like this at 15
Although I didn't have a supportive mother (she did her best) your daughter is lucky to have you 💜 I would want to get to the root cause of the low self esteem and why she feels she needs validation from being with a boy. If she has had suicidal thoughts have you been able to access counselling? Of course it could be normal teenage angst but I personally would want to know if it's deeper than that

Thank you for the replies. I should add that she is receiving help for her mental health. I also try to encourage her in her creative pursuits as she is a great singer and loves her 1-2-1 lessons. She currently has too much social anxiety to join any groups but we are working on it and hopefully is joining a song writing group soon. I can see that joining clubs etc at school would be good for her but she just sees it as another thing to feel anxious about and so avoids it. She is on a very long waiting list for ADHD assessment as she currently has a diagnosis of dyspraxia but we are questioning ADHD also. I can see where her perceived need for a relationship comes from but she doesn’t yet understand all this herself. I know she thinks I am over anxious and over bearing and doesn’t see herself as vulnerable but I know she is.

Is she in year 11? It’s so important to get her through those exams.
When my teen dabbled in drugs due to peer pressure, we kept him busy playing/training football, and got him a PT job, just to get him through GCSE’s. By the time he got to college he had better friends and it wasn’t a problem any more.