Need help. Struggling with Dd 14 years

[connie26]

Yesterday morning I was shouted, screamed at, called petty stupid woman, had my phone taken, got trapped in a room and my arm bruised. Ended up sat in my car in tears. I'm already struggling with a chronic condition and I don't know how much more I can take from her. This was all because I stopped her from going on a day trip with friends because she had done something the night before which I was really upset about.
I think she may have PDA and I've struggled with her for years. I took her for a private assessment a few years ago and was told she has signs of autism but we didn't get a diagnosis. At school she is fine although struggles academically.
I'm weary of it all and it's making me more ill. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

Where is her dad?
Are there any siblings in the house?

DH was at work. I had to call older DD from her room to help.

Hi op im sorry. My daughter has pda..Its a subtype of autism do you mean your child is autistic also?

I totally know the stress you are going through. The best help ive had is findinf loxal support groups of neurodiverse families ...better than any formal help

Thank you for your reply waterrat. It's just awful isn't it? Did you manage to get a PDA diagnosis for your dc? I'll have a look locally for support.

hi connie no I haven't got an official diagnosis of the PDA our local authority don't recognise it but she absolutely fits it to a T - in fact when I first read it I couldn't believe how accurate it is as a description of her bheaviour - ie. jekyll/hyde personality - presents in two totally different ways - can be very social but is masking and finds it exhausting.

So - the help we hve had - we have been 'supported' by the council's autism/ inclusion team (school connected us to them) I have not foudn them hugely helpful tbh but - it depends how much you have already read - they say they can help the child be calmer/ regulate better but - in the end they dont have a magic wand.

We have very low demand parenting, try to never shout, rarely tell her off - we do set boundaries but I never push her into situations I know she will find stressful (when she was younger I pushed her more to try new things)

We go to a weekly support group for autistic girls/parents and it is AMAZING - If you don't have one locally I honestly suggest you go on some local facebook groups find out about local autism families and set up a girls group - as support for yourself.

Has she ever had occupational therapy? also v helpful with managing sensory overwhelm

is it really worth a battle of stopping her going on a day out? Only you can know but I tend to avoid punishments unless its for hitting etc and even then I try to stay calm and know its a sign of anxiety.

Hi OP

I'm sorry you are going through this.

If you think she has PDA and autistic traits it might be worth looking into low demand parenting.

In particular, if there are boundaries that you need to set, then it's worth explaining them to her and explaining why those boundaries are there.

For example:

Hitting people isn't ok. It hurts the other person. We have a rule in our house that we don't hit people because we want everyone in our house to be happy and not hurt.

Then, it's worth thinking about consequences. If the punishment that you impose is overwhelming for her then she is very likely to get deregulated and hit out and be abusive.

It's worth thinking through in advance of consequences that are both natural (so seem to fit and make sense) and that you can be sure will happen without putting you in danger.

So for example:
Last night you hit me. That hurt. I am upset now. I don't want to give you a lift to (place) because you hurt me.

No, definitely wasn't worth it. I should've let her go. DH is a bit of a disciplinarian and doesn't get that she could have this condition. I'm weary of trying to convince him. He thinks she's just badly behaved and I'm too soft which is why I pushed it - to my own detriment!

She hasn't had occupational therapy but could be something to consider. I'm wondering if she needs to see a counsellor.

I'll have a look at Facebook support groups and see if there's anything locally.

Thank you so much.