Need Mum advice

[Linda42]

My teenage son who is 15 is in a toxic and controlling relationship with a trouble teen in his year at school.
I attempted to speak with him about being careful around her due to her concerning behaviour and he went completely mad. He started screaming and being abusive towards me, it felt it was so I backed off as it was loud enough for not only my neighbours to hear but across the street too. I’m not shouting at him but his screaming abuse at me, he then goes to his room continuously screaming abuse and punches a hole in his bedroom door, and try’s to break other things in his room such as his wardrobe.
He was threatening and called me every name under the sun. This is the third time his done this, but first time for punching a hole in his door. Which I can’t afford to fix.
I called my mother who came over to collect him, she isn’t supporting and wouldn’t check on me or ask me what had happened. My family plan to take him on holiday tomorrow so it feels like again his rewarded for being violent and abusive towards me again.
please, what do I do?
I can’t put boundaries down because he breaks them. He won’t see a therapist, I’m completely lost.

Does he only act like this when you bring up his relationship or at other times as well? Any sign of drug use?

I wouldn't see the holiday as him being rewarded but more him being removed from the current tension and giving you both some breathing space.

He has only done this when I bring up his girlfriend. The issue is her behaviour is very concerning and I am trying to talk it through so he is aware that her behaviour is unacceptable.

No drugs or drinking or smoking, his been very good in this aspect.

You are right, him going on holiday is a needed break. He packed him suitcase and said he wasn’t living with me. It’s so extreme I genuinely feel like I have failed as a mother completely.

You definitely haven't failed he is a teenager in a unsuitable relationship it was never going to be easy street.

I had a 15 year old in an unsuitable relationship. I said my piece once and then left it, then picked up the pieces when the shit hit the fan. I am no expert though just telling you what worked (in a fashion) for us.

It's very very common for teens to be in relationships with people their parents think are unsuitable - and often where the relationship isn't good.

But most teens if parents disapprove of their girlfriend/boyfriend are actually more likely to spend time with them and get deeper into the relationship because teens love to piss parents off.

You are almost certainly right,
But you are going completely the wrong way about it.

What are the issues? What specifically is toxic about it?

His girlfriend carved her name on his chest of draws, she wrote her name on the outside of our house with marker and it won’t come off. When he asked her for time she superficially cut her arm and took her blazer off and told the class that my son had made her do this by upsetting her.
She has accused three ex boyfriends of SA/rape. She demonstrated harmful sexual behaviour and pushes boundaries. She is controlling and has pressured him to stop seeing his friends and taking part in his sports activities due to other females taking part. I am concerned for him which is why I tried to talk to him about it, I just don’t feel I can anymore due to his behaviour. I feel like his controlling me by the way his behaving. I think you are right, I maybe need to step back. To be honest I’m still shocked. I have a door with a hole in it, I can’t leave it like this but I’m now having to spend money I don’t have getting it replaced.

I think you are right.
She asked my son to stop going to his sports activities which he has done for years due to female attention from other girls.
When her messages become overwhelming he asked her for some time, when he did this she specifically cut her arm from the wrist to the elbow and then showed the class and told them she did it because my son had hurt her feelings.

she dresses inappropriately to the house, bra under hoodie which I have told him to speak with her about. She caved her name in a solid wood chest of draws, it’s so deeply caved it’s too deep to be sanded. It’s large and the size of a hand.
she wrote her name with love hearts on our window sills which can be seen from the front of the house, this is in marker which won’t come off.
there are other things but these are the most recent.

Don't feel guilty and don't feel you are failing, you are trying to do what is best and parenting teens is really hard and feels like there are constant hurdles and things to get through. I think a holiday would be a good break for everyone involved and hopefully a chance for you DS to have some time away from his GF and a chance to see what a negative relationship he is in.

Regarding his own behaviour I think teen boys often express distress or sadness not by crying but by huge angry outbursts against those they feel safest with. I would tell your DS you love him and you want to help him through this and that he shouldn't feel ashamed talking about what is happening, his girlfriend is being controlling and it's not a healthy relationship. Children should not become isolated from their wider friendship group at the request of one individual, that is a red flag, your son is still young so it will be hard for him to see a way out and deal with what is happening himself, he will probably need your help at some point. Agree with previous poster, it may be be that at this point you have to just make him aware that you are there for support.

I would talk to the school so they are informed of the situation and can support your son or at the very least have a record of information incase things escalate or if support is needed further down the line. Perhaps ask them not to act on the information just yet but get them to record it. Regarding behaviour in your home, I would have a word with the GF myself, if she is pulled up on her behaviour by an adult it will be obvious that your DS has adult support, if he is left to deal with her actions in the home by himself, from reading your posts, I don't think his gf will listen to him and you are entitled to have something to say about someone damaging your property. Best wishes.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am feeling so lost and upset it’s hard to think clearly.
thank you.

It's really sad beacuse she sounds really troubled and is in need of professional help herself but that does not justify her behaviour.its not fair on your son having to lose friends and stop doing things he enjoys to keep her happy.

This will have a detrimental effect on your sons mental health and emotional well being and clearly it already is.maybe speak to the school/social services as this girl definitely needs help and you and your son can't provide her the help she needs

Thank you, I agree. I have spoken to her mother briefly but she seemed not to see her behaviour as an issue and was not shocked to hear her daughter has craved her name into our furniture. After that conversation I felt it wasn’t a good idea contacting her mother again.
I don’t believe the school well my sons school are qualified enough to deal with this situation from my experience with working closely with the school previously.
msking a referral to SS they will look at the information I give them, speak to her and she will deny what has happened and what’s going on and they will close the case as there isn’t any risk of harm once she denies it. I believe SS may have been in their lives previously but they just denied what was happening.
i have tried to support her myself at the start but her behaviour is an issue and from the time I mentioned it to my son, he hasn’t invited her back home.
my son has now been taking on holiday by my family which gives me a break away from her in some ways.

this whole situation has made me physically ill, I am struggling with my health and only came out of hospital a few days before he did all of this, I should be recovering. I cannot continue to go through this that’s as much as I know at the moment.