What to stress about with teens

[twistyizzy]

DH and I are currently having arguments because he thinks I'm being too soft and I think he is over reacting to every little thing and I prefer to choose my battles for important things.
DD is twelve and a half, thirteen in autumn. I have always been the strict one with strict boundaries etc whilst DH has been the soft touch with her. Recently however he has accused me of being too lenient with her whilst he has flown off the handle for very little reason. As an example, tonight she wanted to go to youth club in the village with her best friend from primary (they go to different secondary schools). She came down dressed in a vest top with combats and an oversized shirt over the top of the vest. She was wearing a bit of make up (clear lip gloss and concealer) and had done her hair. DH hates her best friend but my attitude is that the more we try to keep them apart the more it will push DD to want to spend time with this girl. So DH starts criticising her to her face about what she was wearing and having a go about me about the bad influence of her best friend. He then thinks we should have dropped her off and picked her up whereas my opinion is that it is a 4 min walk through the village, crossing over 1 road. Youth club finishes at 8.30 so she was walking home in the light on pavements with street lights. We are a quiet rural village.

There are more examples of such incidents.

Am I being too soft or is he just over reacting? My gut reaction is that I want to save my energy for the big things. I have a great relationship with DD and I don't want to jeopardise that by stressing about things that imo don't matter in the scheme of things.

You need to nip your DH in the bud before he causes lasting damage to your DD. At the rate he’s going it’ll be a miracle if they have any sort of relationship at all by the end of her teenage years. He sounds awful

From your message your DD had normal, reasonable expectations of boundaries and your DH was very OTT and rude / threatened by her growing up. However, one thing is you don't elaborate on why he has decided the friend is a bad influence - is she just also female and pubertal, or does she actually have major red flags like being connected to county lines or something?

I have 2 older teen girls and am of the opinion you have to consider the long term picture and whether you want to do your best to have good relationships in the future.
things like nit picking and being overly controlling of small things will imo damage future relationships. Rather than reacting to small situations perhaps your dh should consider how he might like to keep the communication open and enjoy spending time with his dd who will be a young adult soon enough. My dh has a tendency to nit pick and it’s hard. As parents imo we need to take the lead on modelling good family relationships and behaviour. And let things go sometimes

I think you are having exactly the right attitude and DH is having exactly the sort of attitude that causes unnecessary problems with teenagers, namely picking battles on unnecessary things like clothes and makeup, and not giving reasonable independence.

Thank you for the replies.
The friend has some mental health issues and is gay. I think it is the last part that DH is threatened by. He is from WC ex-mining village in NE and sadly views tend to be 20 yrs behind much of society. He isn't a bad person and does have a generally good relationship with DD but yes I can see that if he continues to go on like this then he will damage their relationship. I have spoken to him about it but he just doesn't see it. That is a him problem imo.
I'm pleased you think I'm roughly on the right track. I completely lost any relationship with my parents from 14-early 20s and I don't want that with DD. I will enforce the non-negotiables eg school, behaviour etc but I really don't feel that clothes and make up are worth a battle.

As good of a person he may be but you need to make it very clear to him that he categorically cannot act like that or project those horrible outdated, judgemental views on to your DD. A father criticising their own child for what they wear and who they’re friends with is not acceptable in any shape or form, no matter what prejudices he may hold. Again, this needs to be sorted out before his words and actions cause lasting damage to her and their relationship

I agree with you completely and he will moderate himself somewhat to her face but I then get the brunt of it.
Yes there are major issues with him and I am not blind to these or trying to minimise them at all. I believe that he will ultimately damage his relationship with her but that is his issue and problem. I won't let him damage her and I do challenge him directly in front of her plus she challenges him about his views regularly.