Ds19 excluded from social events

[BlastedPimples]

He's 19 so a man I guess but I see him struggle and I feel so sorry for him.

He suffers from depression.

A friend of his came back recently from some training abroad. They have been in regular contact via messaging. A day or two before said friend returned, messages to the effect of looking forward to seeing you were exchanged.

Now ds can see on an app (don't know it's name but they all use it and can their friends' locations on it) the friend has met up with their entire friend group on two evenings. He's only been back three nights.

Ds not invited. No message from returning friend or any of them. It seems at best thoughtless and at worst cruel.

He's incredibly low about this. Suffers from depression already. And is bewildered as to why he's been socially excluded.

I'm really concerned this is going to send him into a deeper spiral.

What can I do to help? Just be there to listen? If they pop up, should he just chat without letting yh know he knows?

He's 19, an adult but is struggling quite badly.

Although there are lots of lovely teens about, young people tend to be particularly thoughtless and lacking in foresight. It’s normal development for the brains, physically not fully matured so preoccupied with self.

im looking at starting some TMS therapy for depression. Maybe it will work for your son? It seems quick and no fuss and he doesn’t have to take medication or talk about his feelings. It’s covered by our equivalence of the NHS here so it’s got a clinic track record.

I think he needs to ask them … the unknown won’t be good for his mental health as he will be eating away at himself. If he sees them all out again a message ‘oi did my invite get lost in the mail’ or something young people say - I’m not young anymore

What they say back will show if it was an oversight or if he’s being excluded and they are not his friends.

Genuine question is he sociable when out with friends or a bit down in the dumps woah is he as that might effect his invites

My DD got very ill when doing A levels.

Her friendship group didn't try to include her.

In my experience teens are very much in the moment and friends are the people who are around them.

Some teens will go to a lot of effort to support a friend who is going through it but most won't.

As people get older they tend to feel more responsibility to their friends and will work harder to include people.

If he messages he runs the risk of a less socially savvy friend saying he isn't much fun to be around etc etc.

I'm sorry he's being excluded. It's shit.

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas Is there any point in asking them? They will fudge an answer and he will be left looking needy and fobbed off.

@Creamcoconut yeah, there are thoughtless people at every stage of life.

That's what I initially thought but he said every single one of their friend group was there on both occasions. And not a single one thought to invite him.

Maybe …maybe not …if they fob him off then he knows yeah not good people and won’t second guess why but I think he already knows they aren’t good people… can he catch up with one 1-2-1 for a drink and have a casual chat … it might help him with future friendships

If I were him I'd message and say "when you free? Shall we see if any of other are free?"

If he gets fobbed off then yes he's being excluded for some reason.
But it may just be thoughtless. They may not realise it's important to him.

What about the rest of the group ? Does he normally spend time with them when other guy is not here?

Is he accessing therapy?

Yes. He should ask them.

I suspect he hasn't actually made much of an effort with his friends over the last year. Which could be why he simply isn't at the forefront of their minds socially. Perhaps they think he's not interested in them anymore.

I was going to ask if he's made any effort to stay in touch with them but I can see you've mentioned it yourself. I'm sorry your son has depression but friendships do require work to maintain.
Hopefully, he'll be able to engage more in future.

I think your son should consider deleting the app or switching off the location functionality. It would be better for his mental health not to know this information. Has he suggested meeting up to the returning friend (or anyone else)? Encourage him to be proactive rather than waiting to be asked.

Why does his friend have to be the one to instigate a meeting? Encourage your son to meet friend for a pub tea and to talk about his travels, or to walk across a park to a local pub for tea. Your son could invite another friend who lives nearby toalso join them, or just himself.
At 19 it is unusual that people always meet up in large groups; meeting one to one is often better.

If your son lives at home, you could encourage him to invite his friend to lunch - then they could enjoy a game of cards.

Has he withdrawn a lot since becoming depressed? It may well be that he has refused invites to see the group or perhaps not been in touch. There are a few options about what might be causing this:

A) He hasn't really been in touch so they haven't bothered invite him
B) He changes the group dynamics if he "acts" depressed.
C) They are actively excluding him.

I reckon it's a mix of all of those. Teens can be thoughtless and it might just be they've grown apart from him.

With regards to helping him, it might be an idea to chat to him about how friendships need work etc. but obviously we know nothing about your son so this could all be completely wrong!

Would your son have gone if he was invited? Does he go out with them at all, even if sporadically?

If he was in contact with this other guy, suggested meeting up etc and he got the runaround then they/him are cruel.

However if he made no effort to keep in touch and message him once he was back (and his other friends) then they're just thoughtless. A bit out of sight, out of mind.
Especially if they were impromptu meet ups rather than a party/planned event.

Does ds have a job? The boy came back from a short period of training abroad? So not a year abroad? Are they uni students back from year 1 at uni? Does ds see all the group regularly. Has he put in the effort to see the others whilst the boy was away? Did the boy mean he'd catch up with him individually?

I was thinking about an old friend recently who we all let drift. And we all liked the chap enormously. But he didn’t ever make the first move to meet up and we, I think (25 years later), we’re far too self absorbed at 19 to wonder why or even think that we hadn’t seen him for ages. So I’d urge your DS to get in touch, see people one on one if easier but push himself back into their collective consciousness. With my friend I’d be delighted if he reappeared out of the blue but I fear that either he thinks we hate him or that he deliberately let us all drop.

You probably need to find out whether they deliberately left your son out or if it was just oversight. Your son might be a bit overwhelmed with a big group ,(or a downer) if he is depressed so might be better as a quick one to one anyway.

If it is deliberately being left out then he's at a good lifestage to make a new path. It sounds like his current medication/treatment isn't working? Good to get that sorted but if it's resistant then it's probably he just needs to be brave and try lots of things with the expectation that some won't and will work out but it will all be life experience

I would ask people are more often excluded by accident than by design

"If your absence doesn't bother them then your presence never mattered to them in the first place."

Book him a GP appointment to his AD's re-assessed. Encourage him to join new groups, make new friends, because I dint think this old group is the group for him.