Flip the script?

[unbelievablescenes]

My dd1 is 16 in a couple of months. MASSIVE boundary issues with her just now, she's had trauma from her relationship with her dad and was getting back on track after a spell off the rails. She's desperate not to be 'parented' and with all due respect, I don't need the 'put your foot down I'd never allow that' comments from people who have never dealt with a difficult teen before. I am no walkover but hard discipline does not work with her and makes things a lot worse if not dangerous the way she reacts. Her trauma has made her very reactive.

I'm considering flipping the script with her and trying out the opposite way. Giving her a house key and telling her as long as I know where she is, to pretty much live like a young adult. Caveat is she stops treating me like a skivvy and acts like an adult. Giver her responsibility for her own cooking, washing etc. I'm fed up being in a war zone. The huffs, the moods, the battle of wills. Has anyone tried this? How did it go?

Had to do that with our teen DS. Putting a foot down & punishments didn’t work at all. We’d had a few years of hell and just got to the point we couldn’t do it any longer for our own sanity, so we left them to it and pretty much let them do what they wanted. Our relationship improved and they stopped being quite so extreme as they weren’t getting the reactions they were previously. We are a couple of years further on now so they are now a young adult and, thankfully, they have matured tremendously.

This has good potential. Some children thrive within routine and structure and some suffocate in it.

I think I'd be hesitant if she had been using drugs/doing anything really dangerous in the 'off the rails' bit, but only you know your child.

You can always set a trial period, and set out a 'deal' where you're more housemates for a bit. Do what you can to maintain your relationship through the hard bits until it gets better.

Thanks for that perspective. She does have a lot of underlying maturity and I don't think she'd do anything particularly wild. I think it would do her good to have some of her own mental load to focus on. The way she is now, shut down towards me and resentful, I think communication would be better from her if there wasn't this rage she has that arises from being parented. At the moment she won't communicate to tell me where she is or answer my texts or calls. It's a nightmare.

I was in no way cheeky or nasty to my parents but I hated my parents keeping me under lock and key. To this day my husband ringing me the second I finish work (not controlling he just likes routine) drives me mad.

By 16 I basically got a text saying X for tea at Y if not in it will be on a plate in the fridge curfew is X, curfew ended once I passed my test at 17.

I didn't have to ask permission to go out and basically told my parents if I was staying at a friend's once I finished GCSE. The only condition was Alevel work had to be up to date and grades as expected the rest was up to me. I was sneaking into pubs at that age with cash my parents gave me. I turned out fine.

DS is 10 I will never really expected him to help round the house etc only job he has is to retrieve all kitchen wear from the games room and his room by 9pm. I don't imagine that will change until he moves out