Don't know how to deal with unmotivated 13 year old.

[EndlessTreadmill]

My DS has just turned 13, and is in a school which has exams at the end of every academic year.
He joined at 8, and for the first 2 years or so, was well in the average, but in the last 3 years, his end of year exams have slid steadily down the rankings. Last year, he scored below average (by some way) in every subject except one.
Having just had his end of term report, the consistent themes are: lack of effort and focus (doesn't revise, mucks about), and distracting other kids. He now has the easter break to revise for this year's exams, and has absolutely no intention of doing it. He just says he doesn't care and it's not worth the effort - according to him, nothing is worth the effort he would have to put in to get decent (ie average) grades for the exams.
I just don't know what to say, or do. We have taken his phone and playstation away until after the exams. I have offered to help him to try and break down what he has to do into manageable tasks for each day, he just lolls on his bed and refuses to show me where the information is on the school ipad. I have asked the teachers in the past, but they will give the headings of topics, but then its down to him and I to print off the stuff that needs to be revised - and he just lies in his bed and laughs.

I am genuinely at my wits end. My husband and I are working hard to pay for his school fees. Tomorrow I will be going to work, leaving him in the house where he needs to revise, and knowing he will do nothing. I have wasted the whole evening arguing with him to try and help me help him - ended up saying really horrible things to him which have upset his sister who could hear us.
I am at my wits end, as I know exactly what is going to happen - the same as last year. I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion, and I end up hating and despising him for it, for his total laziness and lack of effort, when he sees us both doing our best for the family.... and for all the unpleasantness and arguments it brings.
I am considering taking us all to a family counsellor, as the atmosphere at home is really bad now, all we do is bark at each other. Though I don't know if that works (or exists) and I would dread having to talk about this and repeat things to a stranger. Well aware that ultimately I am the parent, and the failure is mine, but I just don't know what do to differently.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I agree with sending him to a state school.

You pay for the smaller classes to benefit academic side and he's not interested.

Use the money to allow him to join sports clubs and socialise which he enjoys.

You hate and despise your son because he is scoring "below average" in tests at school?

You do know half of us are "below average" on any given measure as that is how averages work?

Maybe your son is acting up as he knows his mother's love for him is not unconditional but contingent upon his performances in end of year exams.

There are two private schools near us. One very academic the other more relaxed, sporty. They've a huge sen unit. Perhaps your son is less able to cope with the emphasis on exams.
Mine went to the relaxed one. At 13 they weren't under this kind of pressure. The school ran trips to foreign climes in fact.

He's struggling I'd slacken off . Does he have friends to mess around with, a sport he can do this holiday.

If he has to study then use a cooking timer. 30 minutes then a break to play games. Repeat. Have snacks and drinks available.

I'm not a great fan of studying at this age if they're struggling .

My opinion of sats was that it was a test of the school not the pupil so I ignored it.

My kids have never ever revised for end of year exams. Perhaps accept to an extent that he’s not academic and focus on what he’s good or my approach get them to focus on the subjects they need flr
their next step.

do you really expect a 13 year old to be left in the house all day alone and that they will revise? Taking x box off him won’t work if he really doesn’t want to do it.

First of all, end of year exams don’t mean anything. They are handy for giving exam practice and for giving parents a metaphorical stick with which to beat their children, but they’re not GCSEs.

I loathe all the laptop-set homework. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it. And, again, at this age homework doesn’t matter very much.

The thing I would be worried about and want to work with the school about is the mucking around in lessons. That’s not good for him but, crucially, it will be affecting other students too.

I think an important conversation to have would be one geared around what his actual academic interests are (if he has any). What are his favourite subjects? What can he do well in with minimal apparent effort, just because he likes the subject?

I went to an academic private school, centuries ago, and the teaching was so dull that I literally fell asleep in some lessons. There were hours of homework set every night, leaving very little time for pursuing ones’s own interests. They had one way they recommended for revision (variations on flash cards), and had no idea what to do with an original thought when it was staring them in the face. I enjoyed it and did well, but it was only at university that I actually worked out how to revise for exams. Your son may perk up when it comes to GCSEs, but just pushing him hard now is not going to get you anywhere. Get curious about what he enjoys, what he finds hard, and what motivates him.

Absolutely not. I am very angry with him for put in absolutely zero effort in his work (just as an example, we are talking about 20 mins in an entire weekend here, and even that was with significant nagging) , despite my pleading, and sitting with him and trying to get him to help me find his maths revision work (buried somewhere in his school ipad), so I could print it out for him and agree what he could reasonably do today whilst I am at work. And just tells me to work it out myself. And this is the 3rd year in a row it us like this, and his school report says he has ability but basically doesn’t put in the work.
This isn’t about the results. This is about the total lack of effort and unwillingness to even try. If he was trying and not quite making it it would be a totally different story.
We didn’t start off saying horrible things to him - in the past, we were encouraging.
and it’s not as if he tries for a day or two and then can’t sustain it. He can’t even be bothered to start or pretend to start.
And I am really worried about how he will get on in life if he can’t push himself even a bit - but yes, also, I do feel very hurt that he can’t even be bothered to attempt something which clearly does mean a lot to us when we do so much for him.

I do feel very hurt that he can’t even be bothered to attempt something which clearly does mean a lot to us when we do so much for him.

This isn’t how parent-child relationships work. Children (least of all tween boys) aren’t renowned for recognising that their parents are doing them a favour for raising them…. Because we’re not! You chose to have kids, chose to send him to private school, chose to work extra hours to pay for it…. He doesn’t need to be grateful for ‘all you do for him’. That’s just not how parent-child relationships work.

Have you considered that this is how some kids react to not being able to do something i.e. it’s better not to try than to try and fail. Maybe he’s really struggling with school? Does he show any signs of dyslexia? So many kids I knew who acted up massively in secondary school ended up being diagnosed with dyslexia, but too late.

it also sounds like you have threatened consequences many times, but they’re not follow through e.g. pulling him out of school. If you’re planning to leave him in school, there’s no point threatening this as he’s just learning to ignore your threats.

He sounds like he is pushing back, so the best thing to do is to back off, especially if it's causing so much upset at home. Is there a different private school be can go to? One that's not so academic and more sporty? A son of a friend of ours was expelled from private school just before GCSE years started because they felt he wasn't achieving. You don't want that to happen to him. It's better to get him settled into a school thats more suited to him, whether state ( and use the money saved on extra curricular for sports if necessary) or a non academic sporty private school.

@EndlessTreadmill has ADHD been mentioned? The school didn't mention it to us but ds was similar throughout year 7 and 8 - constant behaviour points for not doing homework, messing around in class, doing stupid things in the playground etc etc. He was at a grammar school and quite happy to be near the bottom!

We knew he really struggled to concentrate, was quite impulsive and totally disorganised and at the end of year 8 he got an ADHD diagnosis. Meds didn't agree with him, but the diagnosis was really helpful because teachers looked at him more sympathetically and began to make adjustments/not make a huge thing of small infractions. He also had regular catch ups with the SENCO and was able to explain what he found hard and how teachers could help him.

I'll be honest - year 9 was still pretty bad (saved by going into lockdown in March!), but I understood where he was coming from - he felt year 9 exams were meaningless, as they didn't count. However he felt differently once he went into year 10 as he knew GCSEs were a bit more important. He promised that he'd stop messing around in year 10 and try to listen in class - and he did! There were still issues outside lessons and he didn't do much homework or revision at all, but I saw progress. By year 11 he'd worked out that he needed to get at least 6 in Maths and English to get where he wanted to go in year 12, so he started revising. His organisation issues meant he found it really hard to structure revision, so we used Seneca online, which just takes them through the syllabus.

He's now year 13 and didn't do much work last year as it didn't count, but now his ADHD hyperfocus has kicked in! What I'm really saying is, don't worry too much about the exams - ds was predicted 4s and 5s at end of year 9 due to lack of work, but pulled it round in year 10 and 11. Get any underlying issues identified so that he can have the necessary support and encouragement at school.

You place all the blame on him, and you don't seem to be willing to think about trying another way.

This: I do feel very hurt that he can’t even be bothered to attempt something which clearly does mean a lot to us when we do so much for him is completely toxic. This needs a lot of work - have you reflected on what this must feel like for him? He is not on this earth to make you happy. You have a moral responsibility to care for him - you chose your life, you live your life in accordance with your own values, surely?

I wouldn't put any child in a mainstream secondary school out of choice unless it was one that was particularly relaxed about discipline and uniform and not putting undue pressure on the kids. There is far too much pressure in almost all schools these days, big classes and treating kids as if they are in prison. I can't imagine he will actually thrive in that environment, particularly when he likes the school he is at.

I would go easy on him at home, liaise with the school more on his behalf, get him a friendly tutor and try to find out what is eating him, which can be very difficult with a 13 year old as mostly they don't know themselves. Just talk to him, no pressure and not about school. If you keep pushing on a locked door he will likely develop other issues and just get worse. Don't make everything about academic achievement or else.

I also very much recommend connecting with Dr Naomi Fisher on Facebook and LinkedIn, it has really changed some of my ideas about parenting teenagers and those who are not getting on at school for whatever reason. It's great that he loves school though. Many teenagers hate it and often for good reason these days.

https://naomicfisher.substack.com/p/why-some-battles-are-just-too-important

I am sure you are just venting here op - but your language is a bit alarming

you 'hate and despise him' for it?? Perhaps he isn't motivated by what motivates you? Perhaps he doesn't care enough to take yearly exams right now?

I'd move him to a mainstream school and let him learn about self motivation.

We've had kids arriving from Mainstream schools at this age. They were drowning, big classes. Joe average, neither top nor bottom of the class. Very little games. They thrived eventually through sport.

I'd back off completely as a taskmaster. He's home alone all day which isn't great. If one of you could take some time off or arrange cinema trips, or other pursuits. Ours loved the snowdome, Alton towers.

If you told us the area you live in might be able to come up with more ideas @EndlessTreadmill

Maybe in 10, 20, 30 years time, your son will express gratitude for the sacrifices you make for him, but I wouldn't expect him to now. He didn't ask for any of this.

I certainly didn't appreciate the full extent of everything my parents did for me until til I was a parent myself. I feel like parenthood is the ultimate in delayed gratification and if you do get recognition eventually then that's lovely but it's not why you do everything in the first place.

Gratitude shows in my eldest because both his sons are going to his old school when old enough. So we must have made the right choice

I really feel for you. I know the answer but you won't like it- there's nothing you can do. I had exactly the same with my ds in a very academic school. Turns out he wasn't happy. At 16 i moved him to a sixth form college and he started to work.

I have since asked him what else I could have done to motivate him at the time and he said nothing. You have my sympathy.

Wow I actually think you're being unnecessarily harsh on your son. He's 13! going through puberty, figuring out what he likes doesn't like who he is etc
Why are you putting so much pressure on him? It's having the opposite effect and you are calling him names or saying horrible things to him??
I have two DC one is not academic but tries her best she needs to be encouraged constantly to revise (she has important exams this year) I have given her a money incentive and so far this is helping. The pressure that young people are put under over exams is ridiculous. Who does it benefit really?

I was once told something that has stayed with me. A teacher was saying that without exception all children want to please their parents and what even the worst behaved children wanted only one thing,for their parents to express approval of them. Not praise of results even or success but some sign their parents liked and appreciated them, regardless of success or failure.
Your posts are about you, your anger your hurt your hard work....think of it from his point of view...none of this makes a child feel good about himself...it's all transactional.
Every day is there something you like about him...then say it...maybe you like the way he makes and keeps friends, (some children are terrible at this) or is so enthusiastic about sport. These are excellent qualities....so tell him so, no ifs and buts.
Stop paying for his education if it is a source of resentment, unless on the other hand you are doing it for "yourself"...status, ambition, plans, in which case own up to that.
Your child is not responsible for this arrangement regardless of him not wanting to move schools
Why would he have the wisdom to suggest a move if he doesn't have the wisdom to work? Of course he doesnt know what he feels.

I didn’t put in effort in school and I never did any of the homework. I was scared and suffering with really bad anxiety and depression though we didn’t talk about such things back then.

I got good grades in GCSE’s but failed my A-levels because you actually had to revise and looking at school stuff made me feel like I was going to be sick. I bunked often.

At 7 I got awards because of how high my grades ranked in our local authority. All I could think was of a two mark question I had missed in science that had led me to get 48/50. I cried so hard. My parents didn’t push me, it was really innate. At 20 I tried to look it up to see if I would know the answer now; I was really obsessive.

The argument has happened and we can’t go back. Going forward I recommend a more gentle approach. He has told you he doesn’t care but that’s a good sign - I didn’t tell me parents anything and they never had a clue I was struggling. He is talking to you.

Put the books away this holiday as it will be a bust. Try to spend time with him and give him compliments on anything he does. Later when he does do school work, compliment the EFFORT not the results. He thinks he’s sooo big but that baby can’t get calm unless he takes the calm from you. My home life was a mess and I never knew a peaceful day until I moved out. There is something wrong and he can’t tell you until you’ve built up that relationship again and he knows he can trust you with his failures.

You are being very harsh on your son.
Hes 13! He’s obviously hating the academic pressure and all the expectations on him. And the more you put pressure on him the more you will turn him off and ruin your relationship in the process.
YOU chose private school for him. He doesn’t owe you anything because you decided to pay for his education. By the way have you seen how boring and dry and relentless education is today? What average 13 year old boy is interested in all that stuff.
As you’ve posted for advice, my advice is to completely back off and change tact. Build your relationship back as priority and stop worrying about his future! What about his now? What about his childhood?

So, not only does he sound depressed (lack of vision for the future). You have also taken away his phone and PlayStation (both ways to communicate and interact with friends. You self-proclaim hate him, which is not an emotion you can hide (he definitely can sense this). You have said nasty things as a parent (which is 100% worse than the other way round).

No wonder you are afraid of repeating the issues to a stranger in counselling; you are well aware of how it sounds!

Your biggest concern right now should be your son's emotional state, not his grades or the type of school he is in. However, right now, you have proven to him that grades and parental control are more important than emotional well-being. Since he can sense this, why would he try?

That's a good idea if finances allow.

OP, you do need to recognise that working hard to send him to private school is your choice, not his, and it's completely unrealistic to expect him to be grateful for something you have chosen.

I agree with other posters that you need to focus on carrot not stick - most teenagers respond better to that. Sit down with him and talk about what he would like his rewards to be, and agree on what he has to do to obtain them. PlayStation time? Tickets to a football match?

I also agree with the idea of tutoring. I know that may seem crazy when you're already paying school fees, but it sounds like he would really benefit from 1-2-1 attention, and obviously it's not working for that to be coming from you.