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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Coping strategies for being pushed away?

8 replies

Frazzledmum77 · 21/03/2024 08:07

Hi just wondering if anyone has had/is having similar experiences and if you can offer any friendly advice? Probably standard teenage stuff but being a first timer I’m finding the extent to which I’m being pushed away (emotionally not physically) by DD1 really hard. We’ve always had a good relationship and I’ve never been a helicopter parent, encouraged her to be independent and social etc. So I guess I should be glad really that she’s following my advice, but it stings. Example - she will turn 15 this weekend and will be on a school trip at the time, so we had her party last weekend. I was allowed to pay for the food and host at my house (so long as I moved all my furniture out of the way and took all “embarrassing photos” off the walls), but not to appear and definitely not to take photos. This point was made several times and I was also repeatedly asked to go out for the duration of the party, because “all the other parents” do that. I refused as it was a mixed group girls/boys and I didn’t know exactly who was coming. They did the cake themselves (didn’t pay for it obvs) and I had a real pang when the candles were being blown out and I wasn’t allowed in the room. I was allowed back to help with the clean up. This morning she left for trip at 6am, her dad drove her to the coach. I came into her room to say goodbye and ask if she had passport etc and it was obvious she didn’t want me there. Kept loudly saying “Bye!” to get rid of me, no hug or I love you. I know mornings aren’t the best for her and last minute packing stress etc but I just felt totally rejected. DH says to stop making it about me. Friends either laugh it off or don’t experience the same. Tried to talk to my mum and she basically twisted it around to an attack on how I’d treated her as a teenager so layering that guilt on top (way to go, mum). Just wondering if there’s light at the end of the tunnel with this and any suggestions to help manage these feelings of rejection?

OP posts:
PenelopeClearwaterHalfblood · 21/03/2024 08:14

I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel x
I have an adult daughter and a teen one. They tag teamed the evil teen thing and luckily I now know that my current teen - who ignores me and doesn't want to be near me (despite being my little spider monkey as a little one) will be nice again one day!

Adult teen got nicer after she moved out... now FaceTimes daily and always tells me she loves me. She was a lot of 'fun' as a teenager... I'm still recovering!

parrotonmyshoulder · 21/03/2024 08:16

Sounds very hurtful. Probably quite ‘normal’ but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel hurt by it. Have you ever had counselling? You might find it helpful to have someone to talk to who won’t dimiss, compare or invalidate how you’re feeling.

quantumbutterfly · 21/03/2024 08:19

It is hard but you must remember what being a teenager was like. (Whereas they will never truly understand us till they are parents).
Your love for your daughter is clear.

My mother used to say don't let the sun go down on a quarrel so whatever interactions I have with DC my last words to them are always I love you.

They are the centre of my world but I don't want to be the centre of theirs, I want them to grab the world by the short and curlies and live their own lives well.

Frazzledmum77 · 21/03/2024 08:30

@PenelopeClearwaterHalfblood good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it means waiting until they move out!
@parrotonmyshoulder yep that’s what DH said, maybe I should listen to him. Just scared to open that particular Pandora’s box
@quantumbutterfly I do remember and I was of course a total arse but in a very different way. We also never go to bed on a fight or at least very rarely. I don’t want to be the centre (never did) but would like to feel like I am somewhere in the circle! And I suspect that deep down I probably am, just she seems unable to admit it.

OP posts:
quantumbutterfly · 21/03/2024 08:43

Your relationship with your mum sounds a little like mine was (fraught). You know you love your dd, she knows you love her, the mother daughter relationship is unique, be kind to yourself.

Counselling may be helpful.

mirror245 · 21/03/2024 09:46

Her behaviour around the party sounds totally normal. I take it you got her a cake the week before and saw her blow out the candles? This was then her time with her friends. Try not to take it personally.

The saying goodbye in the morning, whilst I can see you would be hurt, perhaps she thought you (and her) might get emotional so she wanted to keep it lighthearted.

Beamur · 21/03/2024 11:55

Teens are such meanies sometimes.
This is a conversation I have with many of my friends! I've been pretty fortunate with mine and she's fairly tolerant of me, but if her friends are around we have agreed rules (mostly around me not being embarrassing 😁😁) I think they do come out the other side and have little understanding of how hurtful they've been - it's not deliberate, they're trying to gain independence and need to cleave some emotional space.
I dropped mine off for a trip this morning too, she wanted us to take her to the drop off and declined a lift with a friend, but once there she was quite keen to be off. All normal and healthy behaviour 😁

ItsaGoat · 27/10/2024 09:21

quantumbutterfly · 21/03/2024 08:19

It is hard but you must remember what being a teenager was like. (Whereas they will never truly understand us till they are parents).
Your love for your daughter is clear.

My mother used to say don't let the sun go down on a quarrel so whatever interactions I have with DC my last words to them are always I love you.

They are the centre of my world but I don't want to be the centre of theirs, I want them to grab the world by the short and curlies and live their own lives well.

I know this is an older thread but I just read that last paragraph of quantum’s post and thought it really sums up parenting a teenager beautifully!

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