16yo does nothing - how can I help him?

[Mumofteens4892]

Help! We are SO stuck. I've posted here before but am no further on.

My 16yo had a truly awful time all through school. He was off-rolled before his GCSEs. Then moved to an Alternative Provision, which he hated (with good reason). Then he had a seriously messed up girlfriend who dumped him.

He's done almost nothing for a year. I have lined up work experience, volunteering, college outreach, college open days, Princes Trust, paid work for family/friends (odd jobs...etc), but he generally does things once (or not at all) then says "that's boring". I suggest walks, museums, road trips, but it is all "no". We live in a beautiful area, too.

He has had an EHCP since he was 10, but the Council SEN department have utterly failed him at every step. I have complained many times but they don't reply.

He says he doesn't ever want a job and everything is boring. He doesn't see a future for himself at all. I think he is sometimes suicidal.

He is awake until 4am and asleep until lunchtime. He doesn't eat well, he rarely goes outside, doesn't wash, he has few friends - they have all moved on to college, 6th form, have girlfriends...etc.

Example - he just asked me for a cup of tea - I said "put the kettle on, then" but he just mumbled "I'm too tired" and disappeared back to his room. This is typical. I am always trying to just get him to do small things to help himself, but he just refuses.

His confidence was completely battered by school for YEARS - because he's very dyslexic - so I understand why he is like this, but I feel completely powerless to help him get out of it. Everything I suggest is "no". Then he's straight back to "I'm SO bored". And "I'm SO tired".

I want to scream and shout, ask him where he thinks he's heading with all this, but we are talking mental health here and I think that would break him. He won't go to the doctor or think about therapy / medication. I can't even persuade him to take Vitamin D!

His 14yo brother is starting to follow in his footsteps. The thought of two teens doing nothing all day, whilst continually complaining about how bored they are is TERRIFYING! Where did I go wrong? What can I do?

It’s heartbreaking parenting a depressed teen, I sympathise. The inability to help when you love them so much is the toughest part.

Have you joined Parenting Mental Health on Facebook? There are so many wise mums who have been through everything you’re experiencing and they have great advice and are completely unjudgemental.

my only advice is perhaps stop trying so hard at the moment? Forget him going out, getting a job etc etc. Just focus on being relentlessly positive about any tiny thing he does to build his confidence.
If he washes up, fabulous. If he stays downstairs and watches a film, amazing. But even if he can’t do these things, or anything at the moment, that’s ok too.
Because he will mature and your lives will improve. He is in the worst possible place at the worst possible age. even fully functioning teens struggle at this point.

Give him and, more importantly yourself, a break, a treat, lots of treats if necessary. Sometimes in life we just need permission to do nothing, experience no pressure.
Go and scream and shout in the car,or go for a run or a swim, and then go back and give him a hug, or a cake, or a magazine, or whatever.

Time will help. 💐

@Member786488 thank you so much for your kind and compassionate reply.

Yes I have this constant feeling of having to "do something". That "doing nothing" is harming him. And the feelings of "should I have done things differently - is this my fault?" are completely overwhelming at times.

So - patience, treats, love, time, deep breaths...

Thank you xxx

Are you me?
No, wait, my son is 17.
Sorry, I have no idea but you are not alone. I suspect the internet is a problem so unplug it when I go to work. I despair.
Does your son have a medical history or was everything fine until he turned ten?

@AntonineWall I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this too.

Everything was fine for my son until he went to middle school aged 9 and they broke him.

Obvs the dyslexia could have been viewed as a “problem” way before then, but the teachers in his first school were kind and supportive. They let him use predictive writing software, he had 1-to-1 reading…etc.

In his middle school - no support, no technology, no understanding. He got up to 60 detentions per year, plus multiple-day isolations and exclusions, mostly for “refusing to write”.

I got the EHCP, wrote many complaints, had all the meetings, phoned Ofsted, talked the LA, the MP, tried to move him…etc…etc.

It wasn’t much better at senior school. He’s “mainstream” and very bright and knowledgable in all other respects, but his dyslexia is significant, and if he wasn’t dyslexic, we wouldn’t be dealing with the fallout from schools. It was abuse, really.

School experience sounds horrendous OP. If there's no other ASD type issues going on then he should be okay in the end.

I guess small steps to rebuild his confidence. Can you or anyone in the family pay him for some odd jobs? Cut a hedge?

Your son sounds very like my brother in every single way. My parents tried all their life to inspire him to 'wake up' or 'catch fire' in some way and lead an active, 'normal' life. He had no desire to achieve anything, was involved in a succession of relationships with 'seriously messed up' girlfriends and would not take care of his personal hygiene even if coerced.

As he grew older any attempt to change him resulted in aggression then withdrawal for long periods of time. He stayed exactly as he was and eventually, in despair, my parents asked him to leave home. He was 32.

He's 60 now and is exactly the same as he was when he was 18. Always a drama, always the threat of harming himself (it's never happened), never had a job, lays in bed all day then gets up when others are going to bed and is up until it's light. His house is a hoarded wreck, he lives with a 'seriously messed up' girlfriend. He's ruined his health.

When I talk to him they seem really happy with their life and their choices. I take comfort in that.

I don't mean to be negative but some people just are what they are and what they were destined to be. He might well change, but he might not. My parents spent their whole lives trying to change him and died with him being exactly what he is. You sound so caring and I guess I'm telling you this as I want you not to waste all the time my mum and dad did.

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond to find things for him. to do. I'd offer him to go to college to do something practical. It's a bit less boring than writing all the time. Eg woodwork, metalwork. I'd try to get him some counselling although I do know how hard this is. Have you asked his GP? He sounds like he might be depressed. He might need medication to help him feel well enough to do something. I'd also gently be telling him if he refused to go to college he needs to sign up for an apprenticeship or a job. He needs to start earning some money. He can't rely on you to provide for him forever. Once he's 18 he could sign on as unemployed and let the job centre sort him out. I went through something similar with my elder DS but his best friend was killed in a road accident and he just closed down for the best part of a year. He dropped out of college before completing his course, he spent all his time in his room. I got him some grief counselling. Eventually my DH, his stepdad said enough is enough you are coming with me today and we'll sign you up to a job agency. DS went reluctantly at first but soon did like the pay packets. He was very lucky because he was sent to DHL as a Drivers Mate and had to help load up and unload furniture. DHL were really good and after 3 months they offered him van driver training paying for driving lessons for him. Then once he passed his test and drove the van for 6 months they put him through Class 2 lorry driver course and once he passed this gave him a Class 2 driver job. He was on quite good money earning almost £40k about 8 years ago. He's fine now. He's bought his own house, moved to a different part of the country and passed his Class 1 lorry driver test and has now worked as a Class 1 driver for about 2 years now. He's now earning £50k in the North East where wages and housing are lower. Not bad as he dropped out of college. He was very very lucky that DHL paid for all of his training.