How can I maintain a relationship with DD?

[Fenimore]

I know that raising teens is hard but I have seen my lovely DD turn into an entitled, rude, snarky 17 year who regularly tells us she hates our family. The last 12 months have been horrible.

She is mean and cold towards us unless she wants something. Spends all of her time in her room. No interest in me, her dad or younger sister. She is entitled and arrogant. Hard to like actually. I know she smokes and vapes with her friends.. I don’t think there is more than that. She has a social life but not out that much. She doesn’t seem depressed or anything.

she is almost an adult so I had hoped things would be better by now but it’s the worst they have been. She doesn’t do anything around the house and her bedroom is vile. She treats us like a taxi service and the house like digs. Seldom eats a meal with us, makes cheese toasties at unreasonable times instead.

I’ve reasoned, I’ve rowed, I’ve tried to negotiate to get her to keep her room reasonable. It’s a health hazard. Filthy plates and cups. Her recently purchased furniture is burnt from hair straighteners and she’s split stuff on carpet and not cleaned it up.

She didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day. I don’t expect much but a card might have been nice. The irony was she texted me (from her room) to ask for a photo of me and her for her TikTok as all her mates were posting mum pics. I don’t get to see said post as I am blocked from all of her social media.

i am tired of this. She achieves at 6th form and has a uni place for September . Whether she goes this year or next I’m not sure. She has a job in a cafe so has money to spend. At least I’m not paying out. I don’t want her last year at home to be like a Cold War. I want to preserve some kind of relationship but at the moment I feel like a drudge and a doormat,

I have tried to discuss this with her but she says she can’t be bothered. A row takes us nowhere and simply alienates us further. I want some kind of relationship going forward but I’m scared to push it. I wonder where my funny sweet girl went.

can anyone advise me? It is so upsetting.

I was exactly like this as a teenager. Some girls develop later then others and I was around 17 when the moods and 'no one gets me' phase was in full swing. I used to completely disrespect my mum and genuinely thought I was an adult and could live my own life and make my own decisions, of course I was wrong. I have a much better relationship with my mum now and much to her surprise, I am extremely organized and tidy. Just hang in there and my advice would be not to poke the bear as if she's anything like I was its hormonal and she probably feels already out of place. If I were you I would try and spend some time together doing things you can both enjoy out of the house? maybe go get a beauty treatment together or go out for lunch alone ect. Trust me, it will get better. My relationship with my mum completely changed once I went to uni and got my own independence living alone. Trust me, she will learn to grow up fast when mum is not there to clean up for her. Stay strong, she wont be this way forever.

I would say some of it is typical and some of it isn't and you will get very different approaches.

Personally I don't set chores or insist on a tidy room - DD needs to become independent. However, I also don't do things myself so DD does her own washing, she does a lot of her own cooking, she has a couple of jobs, she manages her bank accounts, she has uni offers, is doing A levels, she generally gets public transport or her boyfriend gives her a lift, all of which are good skills for living independently. Her room she is currently clearing at the moment and I haven't said anything to prompt this but eventually it annoyed her and she now has asked me for a special collection and asked how long can she borrow the hoover for. Though I would have got involved with any fire risk.

She chats to me respectfully for an hour or two a day about her day, my day and her friends and future choices. Mother's Day I just got Happy Mother's Day and a card but that's fine. She gave me something worth £70 of hers the other day. She says thank you and apologises for things.

I won't engage with a child talking disrespectfully - will tell them not been spoken to like that but will discuss things when they can be polite. I would not withdraw though, sounds like there are some bad influences in her life if she is smoking but I would withdraw services. That way she will end up having to do more by herself but it won't be you nagging, its more you preparing her for life when you aren't around.

You need to go for an approach that works for you, this works well for us.

Teenagers are in some ways like toddlers.

Some toddlers don't have tantrums. Their parents tend to feel that it's easy to parent because you just have to have boundaries.

Usually they then have another child and discover they were wrong,

It's the same with teens. Some teens are lovely and delightful all the way through their teen years. A significant minority are not, and some are very challenging. This is a bit to do with how they are parented and a lot to do with what they are like as a person.

If you have a very challenging teen, taking parenting advice from someone who doesn't isn't helpful.

Personally I found it helpful to think about the toddler tantrums. When you have a tantruming 2 year old, do you miss the sweet cuddly newborn? Yes. But equally, tantrums are a developmental stage most kids go through

In the same way, your teen is growing up and getting ready to move out. She's being horrible to you, and you miss the great relationship you had.

You will almost certainly have that relationship again - once she has moved out and grown up a bit.

In the meantime - ignore any rows. Work out what your boundaries and and what consequences and stick to them. Cleaning a teens bedroom tends to produce fireworks so personally I wouldn't bother I'd just decontaminate it when she goes to uni.

If she leaves messes etc in communal spaces then consider withdrawing lifts/anything else you think might work.

I don't think it's normal and I am not surprised you feel so awful about it. Who else is in your family? What are the family dynamics with the rest of the family? Has she siblings?

Are there any activities that you can do as a family that she might enjoy? Takeaways? Movies? board games? I'm guessing the answer is no but does the rest of the household do things together?

Has you daughter already got her uni place? Is it local? I drove my kids to uni open days all over the place and found it a great way to spend time together. I realise that your daughter might be too hostile for that though 🫤

Does you daughter have friends around? Does she behave if they are there.

Sometimes I don't think there is anything you can do. She sounds horrible at the moment. It might be she just needs time to grow up. Hopefully she will.
Keep,reminding yourself that you've done the best you can and that sometimes there is nothing you can do.

This was my experience with a teen DD too (she's 28 now). From knowing her friends and their families well it was also their experience. It isn't normal for it to be such a battle, but I don't know what the answer is at this stage OP. It's a real shame.

When she goes away to Uni it will be a sharp shock for her - she will have to fend for herself, cook and clean. You might find she will appreciate you more when she starts living in the real adult world.
For now I would just be polite, don’t antagonise her (because she sounds volatile), don’t clean her room until she leaves home, stop being a taxi service to her - do it only when it suits you - but don’t make a fuss of saying ‘no’ or like it’s a punishment, just ‘aww, I’d love to, but I can’t sorry’. Do the minimum for her, speak to her respectfully even if she doesn’t do the same for you. I don’t think you can repair your relationship when you are under the same roof, it sounds like it’s reached breaking point. When you have distance between you when she is at Uni it might improve. It sounds such an awful situation for you.

Just be your normal self until she starts being mean then disengage.

As others have said Op - she has a job, doing well at college - she is probably really really ready for the next step of independence.

I think you need to have boundaries here - at the moment you are cringing back from her reactions - I totally understand wanting to avoid constant battle - but I think you need to step in here with some firmer boundaries for yourself.

Her reaction is not your problem - you need to think of clear house rules, Im not sure if you have mentioned dad? is he around? Family meeting with clear rules about unacceptable behaviour - including rudeness.

I think then I would withdraw and think okay - this is going to be a tough time until she leaves. Tell her clearly - not acceptable when she is rude or aggressive -

I know its shit about the pic on tik tok but - I find that pretty sweet ?? That is so typical teen - she is proud of you deep in her heart! she loves you she wants to show off a pic of you but too childish to understand your needs.

I think if you want to express clear boundaries you are going to have to accept she wont like it.

Yeah this is my life also - however I'm mean and obviously dont care about her. There are no 'conversations' only her opinion as soon as I try to speak also doesnt want to hear. Unfortunately my DD18 isnt going off to uni soon, neither does she have a job at the moment - struggling to find one, she has spent all the money she had - ' I also want her to starve' when I only give her packed lunch not lunch money everyday! This was as I was giving her a lift to college instead of her having to get the bus as it was raining today. As someone else has said if this was a marriage - you'd walk away but cant in this scenario - so I'm grateful for all the tips I can get on this thread - also of how to be - I dont retaliate - I manage to stay calm but mentally I find it very tough at times and manage that by replying with one word answers but that is also shouted at. Thinking of you

@PleaseenterausernameX Have you got that link please, or did I miss it?

I found picking my battles helped. Their rooms were their own. They made their own choices (within reason) I didn't micromanage them. We still did stuff together- pictures, movies nights, shopping , coffee etc. so we got to have some nice times too. I bit my tongue a lot of the time but wouldn't tolerate nasty comments/rudeness.

Eldest started around 11 improved around 17, youngest stated around 14 improved around 19

That's not normal. Plenty of us go through teen years not being like that

It sounds very normal.

It really really doesn't. I find it worrying that more than one person on this thread thinks this is normal behaviour.

Being moody? Yes, all those hormones. Hiding away in their bedrooms and keeping things closer to their chests? Yep, pretty common.

But this is spiteful bullying behaviour and it absolutely is not normal.

I don't have any good advice for you, OP, but you have my sympathy. I certainly wouldn't be giving any lifts, and I wouldn't have given her that photo. Favours should be as freely given as they're taken, and she should understand that if she refuses your reasonable requests, then she can't expect you to inconvenience yourself for her.