Screaming and shouting is the only thing that works but

[lotis]

I just wish there was another way to motivate my teen ds 17. Feeling terrible after I made him tearful just now and I feel horribly guilty. But it is the only thing that makes him take action.
I am so worried about how hard it is for the younger generation these days and seeing on the news the other day the rise in NEETS (Not in employment, education or training), makes me so anxious. I love my DS so much and have always tried to support him, so that he can go on to achieve a career he will find interesting and give him a decent life and thrive in this world.

However, I dont know if its laziness or he feel overwhelmed which puts him in a state on procrastination, but he doesn't put much effort in. He doesnt gove much away when I try to enquire.

There are lots of examples but some off the top of my head.

•His GCSE results were mainly 5s but passed everything except one subject. Im sure he could have put more effort, or maybe hes just not as bright as I thought he was.

•He is now doing A levels and had a phonecall to say his group of friends just chat in study periods and do his theory test. He is not rude however they said whereas some of his friends are. He was very polite when the head of 6th form called him in about this. She said that he didnt do very well in his mocks and he needs to understand that the time goes by so fast. This doesn't motivate him to get better AT ALL though, he just plods along and turns up.

•He hasn't bothered setting up a Work Experience and now the deadline has gone. So all tge other children will have this on their CV and he will have nothing.

•He always says he wants to work in auditing, tax, accountancy etc, so I said to research some companies as he wants to do an apprenticeship. But how is he realitically going to be taken on with meh exam results and a meh CV. Also how will he realistically manage tough accountancy exams and work full time. If he is not bright enough are they only allowed to do one apprenticeship if they get fired for failing exams?

He is a really lovely young man with great interpersonal skills (his teachers always comment on this). He doesn't drink or vape or smoke weed and has a nice group of friends. He doesn't go out all night up to no good.

I think he lacks confidence in himself, however and he used to tell himself that he would never be able to work out how to drive a car. After I booked his first lesson he had a bit of an anxiety melt down, so I told him he is doing it. Now he is pleasantly surprised about how good he is and he cant believe he can do it. Again I kind of had to put my foot down and make him do it. Now he feels so much more confidence and is so happy he started and it has done him good.

I feel so awful and worried about his future. I have told him the world is so competitive and him not putting effort in whilst his peers do will affect his opportunities.

Does anyone else have a child like this and could they share experiences of what works and the best approach please?

Do you want him to work for a boss who shouts and screams at him?
Will you be advising a future employer to just shout at him?

He has plenty time to buck up
No need to be shouty and scream

Tricky but be glad he's lovely. A good personality will get you somewhere. Ask him what he would like to do. Accounting is a good career.

We have this issue with my sd. We are very concerned about what will happen from this summer onwards as school removed her from one subject last year so she is already at a huge disadvantage and she's sort of coasting the two left so unsure whether she'll pass.
She also wants an apprenticeship but with how she currently is I think it's unlikely and she's likely to be unemployed. Huge huge worry. We also did shouting but she just lies and hides the work or lack of!

Agree! If your DS has a tendency towards constructive action after a bit of vocal encouragement then you'll have to give him that! Lethargy is normal for teenagers, parents lethargically ignoring it doesn't help them!
We'd all like to stay on the sofa lazing about all day but that doesn't pay for food heating etc and if you want him to thrive more than survive then tough love it will have to be.
You sound like you've got the right balance though encouraging him and recognising his achievements- he'll improve and he'll thank you for it when he's out of this growing stage.

Everyone dips their toe in the water at different times. Make things simple, he needs a job. Any job, anything at all. He needs to get familiar with turning up at the same place everyday and getting a wage. It doesn’t matter if it’s stacking shelves or working at macdonalds. If he needs to start slowly then make it part time.

Once he has a job, start charging him rent and drop the whole discussion about careers and future. This will give your son time to decompress and get the hang of real life. He might start packing in a warehouse and wind up as the manager there, he might make friends with someone who works in accounts and get some work experience.

Some people are better at navigating life as it unfolds than planning ahead for it. These people start at the bottom and wind up just where they want to be.

In a way I get where you are coming from but basically you are trying to turn your child into a ''cookie cutter'' idea of what you have decided they have to be, and also bringing other cultures into it they lead different lives to us and also in some there is a high sucide rate due to parental pressure

Why cant you love and support your child as they are and not as what mould you think they have to fit, how would you feel if your parents were like that to you?

My sister in law got her son take up a Saturday job at Tesco at 16. That got him thinking that money don't grow on trees. He eventually went to uni and got himself a degree. The young man has a good job now and is very good with his money too

It really isn't acceptable for you to shout and scream at him, no matter what reasons you give to try to justify it.

What kind of example are you setting of how an adult should behave and what healthy relationships should look like if you lose control and bully him.

I have a 17 year old son too - very similar worries but everyone tells me he will be fine etc etc - it has been the most stressful stage of parenting without a doubt.

Just to add - if he really is interested in accountancy then you can qualify through AAT /ACCA by using textbooks at home/omline. Buy a second hand textbook so he can get a flavour. So many employers will support this and fund this training and loads of jobs in this field - I wish I had known this at 17!

good luck x

Me too! I have 2 of them. I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't know what I wanted to do back then either. I didn't get my professional qualifications until I was in my forties.

Both of mine have part time jobs and that does definitely help. Neither are very interested in academic work though. It's tricky when you assume your dcs will follow a similar path to you. I'm constantly trying to reset my expectations and not project. I try to stay calm but share your fear that they won't just figure things out. I'd quite like a little trip into the future so I know they'll be ok.

I do hold a hard line on college attendance.

OP is coming across as very pushy & neurotic.
I hope she updates in a few years, let us know how things turned out.

No relationship ws ever improved by screaming and shouting. It's a last resort when you've run out of tools and comes from frustration and fear. If you feel you're the adult and you've got the answers and he needs to listen to your advice, the least you could do is find a way to deliver it respectfully.

@Userxyd Thank you for the non judgemental and balanced comment. That description made me laugh.

I started this thread and was very conflicted. Namely because society has a more kid gloves approach, than when I was younger.

I do not scream and shout on a daily basis I use the talk and support method for 98%.

However since the loud vocal encouragement 🥴😂this week after the school rang; a lot of positive action has been taken and opportunities that I have helped him with a while ago have started to materialise yesterday.

He has now seen first hand the amount of help he has received from his resources just by making an effort and sending a simple email. He has also seen that he has missed out on an opportunity because of his laissez-faire attitude, but is now rectifying that by doing what his school has asked the children to do. He has admitted that he is not making enough effort and could give a lot more, as I said if his ability is an issue then I won't scold him for that. I think taking responsibility for ensuring you fulfil your potential is a very important lesson. The laissez faire way is very risky in today's world and not something I will be encouraging.

He also put more effort into a test this week and got 100% and was very pleased with himself. He finally listened to me and used the book that I bought him to get the marks he needed.

Today he is arranging his own work experience for the summer holidays and finishing an assessment for a company that finally processed applications yesterday and sent him an email. I will be on hand to support and help if he asks.

I understand people saying frustration and fear makes you shout. I wouldn't agree that it makes me a horrible person, but yes I am fearful and frustrated that my DS is being lazy and will end up a NEET,and with all the subsequent issues that come with that.

I will take you up on the challenge and come back in a few years and report back, as to how my DS has fared and whether he still loves me or not because I had to shout at him every now and again when he needed to get in gear and the school has called to tell me he needs a jolt out of inertia!

@Xrayrequest That is a good suggestion. He can see if he likes what he sees.

Pushy - like companies with their constant appraisals and pips etc

Neurotic - what like companies are about their bottom line and whether you're productive enough or not to be there.

I wish life was all rainbows and butterflies alas...

It can definitely be worrying, I agree. He does know what he wants to do thankfully. Luckily he always goes to college and is a great DS whom I admire very much.

Asking your child to making an effort, fulfil their abilities and potential and take responsibility is the bare minimum and I don't think that it's shameful to expect this from your child. How will they survive in this world if they are not encouraged to do that?

Even if you are stacking selves, your employers will expect you to do it to the best of your ability and make the effort to turn up on time.

Other culture here and I was much stricter than DS white friendship group though nowhere near as tough as my upbringing. DH is white so it was always going to be milder. There are memes on TikTok that DS has sent me of Asian Mothers just giving a look, that’s what it was like. This was a boundary and I meant it. I have seen so many parents threaten but never carry through. He also had a paper round which he found at 13 and I think that made him feel more grown up.

Your DS has actually said he wants an accountancy apprenticeships. If it’s a full degree apprenticeship they are more competitive than a regular degree course. DS is on one though not accountancy and he works very hard.

I offered money for results, MN does not approve of that. I also told him that an education meant less chance of being poor.

Imo this age is the worst possible age for doing things that their future depends on. Hormones everywhere and made to feel like their one and only chance for success is happening right now. It's not fair on them.

It's not the end of the world if he redoes a year.
He could even do a fun course for a year then get back into more serious studies.

My eldest did a year on a performing arts course (btec) before returning to more academic studies. He's now 24 and halfway through his masters.

They don't have to adhere to a strict timescale or a single path. It's ok to do things differently. It's ok to take a bit more time.

@CharSiu Oh I have been doing the money offering for years! Is that considered wrong too?! Oh well like I said the rise in children not in education, employment and training is on the rise. So looks it looks like the laissez faire approach isn't working. Once you're in that rut it is very difficult to break free.

I will look those videos up on Tik Tok. Get some tips perhaps!

Yes I know they are more competitive and I have told him that. Where there is a will there is a way and that is what I am trying encourage more than anything. Ambling along making no effort is not an option!

Can you reframe it and have a catch up meeting one a week - and set goals and targets and be specific so that he can do it himself. Spend one to one time - what’s been good? What does he want to develop bit like a life coach?

my eldest now has a paper Filofax and is much much better ticking it all off and we have a shared Google calendar for everything.

What have I just read?

You have a nice, well behaved teenage son who doesn't do drugs or commit crime, he's not that academic but was accepted on A level course and will likely do ok, not great but still, plenty of time to decide his future options and go to college or uni.

I know on MN, it's easy to get into a spiral of anxiety as everyone's kid on here gets at least 5 A A levels and is accepted into Oxbridge or at least a Red Brick and anything less means they've failed at life and might as well hurl themselves under a bus.

But look around you. Plenty of people left school with no or crap qualifications and yet there they are: running businesses, doing well in jobs, married with kids and generally winning at life.

When I came onto your thread, I thought you were going to tell us about about some dropout druggie waster rather than a nice, average kid.

Come on OP. You shouted at and no doubt insulted your boy and made him cry? You need to apologise and wind your neck in.

I like the idea of reframing it like that. Great suggestion thank you!

He scolds me when I suggest a tick off diary, as apparently he's got a phone for that!

@THisbackwithavengeance That's the thing though I'm not expecting an Oxbridge grad with 5 A levels!

Not being a drug addled mess is pretty low standards.

As previously stated, I expect effort to be made and fulfilling his responsibilities and so does his school, which is why they called me.

And no I don't see everyone winning at life all around me. I see many that are finding life extremely difficult - many due to their poor choices and lack of effort.

To suggest that I insult my son because I shouted at him for not making an effort and for the school phoning me, is insulting to me as a loving, supportive mother and perhaps why there is a ever rising number of NEETS.

I make no apology for getting a little exasperated. He is busy getting things accomplished this weekend, so I am glad I got angry and shouted at him now.

Deliberately bumping a * ZOMBIE thread* ** because I like updates.

How are things now, OP? Better, I hope? What has your son ended up doing and have you made peace with it?