Feeling so sad

[Felic23]

My Son is 15. He's doesn't want to know me at all anymore. It's brought him up pretty much alone( am a single parent)

I just feel so upset, we talk over dinner but that's pretty much it. I don't know how to spend quality time with him. I've asked him what he would like to do but he struggles to answer as I suspect the truth is he doesn't want to spend time with me. He has lots of friends, a girlfriend and 2 sports he does outside of school that keep him very busy. I'm happy he has a great social life but his Dad is useless and we have no other family around. I just worry he doesn't want to connect with me and there is no one else.

I feel like ive lost him, like we are just flat mates and my parenting is over. We used to chat at bedtimes but now he goes to bed by himself as after a long time if me refusing I finally said it was ok and he generally goes later that me now anyway.

I don't know how to be a good Mum to him now, I've backed off and tried to keep busy and not take it personally but then I worry and think I shouldn't do that... I just don't know
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Hi it sounds like you have done an amazing job as a parent and should be proud of yourself.

It's natural for them to pull away as teens - hard as that is for you - and if you let him go through this stage, then once he gets a bit older maybe 1-2 years down the line, he will likely open up to you again. It may not be in the same way it used to be but 17 year old DS now happy to have chats about most things.

You are being a good mum so stop beating yourself up. This is normal teen behaviour. Don't ask him what he wants to do, say "let's go for coffee and cake on Saturday".
You also need to take time for yourself now, do what you want to do a bit more. I mean this in the kindest possible way OP, but your post reads like you are not confident in yourself, and anxious that the one person who's always loved you unconditionally (and still does) is pulling away because of something you have done. This isn't the case at all.

@rookiemere thank you for your reply. I got emotional reading it! I know you're right I've read all the stuff about it being a normal phase etc but I just can't help the feelings- it's like grief and with it being only us two in our family it feels like a huge change. He would literally be happy not seeing me at it seems.

Big hugs.
All sounds pretty normal. His focus is on friends and gf. But he does still need you.
Sounds like you've done a great job and have raised a happy well balanced young man.
Accept more of a back seat for now. How you spend time and connect is changing but not over.
Talking over dinner is good - don't underestimate that.

@DelilahBucket thank you and you are right. I'm not confident and an anxious person but I've always thought I was and tried hard to be a good Mum. Now I'm just lost as I don't know how to do this part of parenting. I asked him to go to lunch last week and he said he was tired. I will be more direct this weekend and just say we're going. Still expecting it to be a no but I guess I need to keep trying.

You are still a good mum. But the way we need to parent changes when they are teens and it's a massive shift for us, to step back from being so nurturing and present in their lives.

I got around it by doing things with DTeens they couldn't do alone due to age. Take him to a gig by a band he loves, where he has to be accompanied by over 18. I did that several times. Expensive, but it's less often than weekly soft play etc.

I also took them out for breakfast on their own. Just go to a cafe. Let him order a full English and chat. DS1 was often monosyllabic but I did it when he needed specific help sometimes - how to revise, after splitting up with first love, choosing A level subjects/ applying to uni. And it went a bit better then.

I also found they were up for helping me a bit. I asked them how to do stuff on my phone or computer. i asked their opinions on music, stuff going on in the world etc. Treating them a bit more like an adult to adult relationship.

I know it's hard, but don't make him feel like he needs to do this for your benefit. Don't say you'll be having a chat and catch up either. My ds can talk for England, but say the words "let's have a chat" and he clams up and turns into the typical awkward teen.
Definitely do start doing things for you. He needs to see that.

Maybe it's not very modern or whatever to think this, but I think it's all the everyday things you do for him probably without thinking - cook his dinner, wash his clothes, get him his favourite snacks at the shop, buy him a new t-shirt you know he'd like, drop him off at his friends house, watch his sports match, keep up with his interests, be kind to his girlfriend and make her feel welcome, make sure he has clean socks and pants, make sure he gets to school on time etc, etc. They're all acts of love that make him feel loved and safe in this world even if it doesn't realise it yet. One day he will.

My daughter was like this around your sons age. I find it so difficult as we had always been close. She actively hated me at times.

She's now almost 18 and has started coming to me for hugs and snuggles and we are having a charity shop trip next weekend just like we used to. At 15 she didn't even want me to touch her.

Your son will come back to you, just leave him to do his own thing for now and be there when he comes back wanting his Mum, which he will.

I think try to find something to watch together, a TV show is better because it means it isn't a one off like a film. Ask him to find something you can watch together, make it more about what he wants. We currently watch Silent Witness with Ds2 who is 18, it doesn't have to be every night but a couple of nights a week and we don't always watch a full episode depending on what is going on in the house. When Ds1 comes home from uni next week we will all be watching The Rookie, continuing from where we left off, Jack Reacher on Amazon as they did it in 2 parts and we do a film at home every weekend too. This is a good way to stay connected to them, gives you something to talk about too, ie what happened, whether it was a gripping episode.

It is normal for them to want to be with their mates, it is not anything you have done. Also talk about yourself too, he needs to see you as a person not just his Mum. It is easy for them to forget that part.

I think he sounds like a very normal 15 year old. I didn't want to spend much time with parents at that age either! His friends and girlfriend will feel like the most important thing to him and that's the natural way of things. Just try and be cheerful and have a laugh with him over dinner. I used to bribe mine to come into town with me by taking them out for lunch or treating them to a new outfit/video game/poster for their room! As long as you try and keep the lines of communication open, he will come back to you 😊 encourage him to bring friends and girlfriend home and show an interest in them without being over the top. Let him know you're interested in what's going on in his life. Big hugs OP it's hard letting go and seeing them grow up 💐

It feels weird being more hands-off doesn't it, like you're being irresponsible or something! My DD is 15 too and I find myself having to check with DH all the time that it's actually ok to let her do (perfectly normal) stuff, so it must be even harder when you don't have anyone to back up your decisions.

I'm trying really hard to embrace having more time/energy for myself and having to think about others less but it's not an easy adjustment when you've essentially devoted the last 15 years to your child. Happy to chat by PM if it would help to have someone in a similar boat to talk to, letting them go in any sense is bloody hard!

@Janetsmug yes that's exactly how I feel, like I'm being irresponsible! It suddenly feels like I'm no longer needed and he has told me more than once he doesn't need me reminding him to do his homework or whatever else I may be doing. It is very difficult like you said after all those years of thinking about him more than me. I don't know how to PM but would be nice to chat :)

@Noseybookworm thanks for reply. I have thought about myself at that age and my Mum was the last person I wanted to spend time with. To be honest though I didn't feel like we had a great relationship. I thought me and my Son have but it's the age I think where boys want their Dads more than there Mums but I guess friends/ girlfriends trump any parent.

@KittensSchmittens I'm very good at the 'acts of love' perhaps I need to remind myself that doing all the things I do for him still makes me a parent! I think I'll buy him a little present, atmosphere has been a bit tense last few days so it's good timing. Its like living with someone who hates you at times and my confidence/ self esteem can't handle it. I think I need to work on that.

You have got a happy social teen, but that is because he knows he has a loving home and you behind him. He is stretching his wings but trust me he will come back, he still loves you.

Honestly OP, it's not about teen boys needing their dads more than their mums. It's any parent of either sex! It's all about his friends / girlfriend at this age. This is really normal for a 15yo boy and they do come back a bit. I have an 18yo who is happy to hug me again after a couple of years of not wanting to at all!

I agree about finding things that appeal to him. I remember taking mine out for a full English breakfast a few times - that was more tempting for him than going out for lunch. Or maybe just a milkshake?

You can PM by clicking on the three little dots in the top right corner of that persons post, or at least that's how you do it on the mobile site, don't know if it's different if you use the app. I'll send you one, it should come up as a little white circle at the top right of your screen, where the profile icon is.

I went through this with my eldest, now going through it with my youngest, almost 15.
A wise friend told me that boys will leave you for a couple of years, they distance themselves, break the chain. But they come back.
I've observed this with my eldest, who has come back full of love, we do things together and laugh once again.
I remember back to a few years ago and couldn't imagine this would ever be possible, but it is.
I hope you have the same, I'm sure you will, it sounds like you're a thoughtful mum who loves her son very much.

@HappyKatieA thanks you for your reply- what you said was helpful and encouraging 😊

Yes friends and girlfriend trump parents at this age but he still needs you and this is just a phase, you will become close again. He probably wouldn't want to spend much time with dad either. Just be a warm presence and keep trying to communicate even if it's not reciprocated! You're a good mum 💐

My 17 year old has started to be a lot more talkative and actually tells me things which he would never have talked about 2 years ago.