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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD invited on holiday with Bfs parents

12 replies

Hellandhighwaters · 29/02/2024 17:29

My 18 year old dd, who is a student living away at uni has been invited away with her new bf and bfs parents and family in Autumn for a short city break abroad. His parents want to book the holiday quite quickly and are offering to meet the cost almost in full and said she could make a contribution and will pay for her meals etc whilst away. She has met them a few times and they really like her, but she feels uncomfortable accepting this offer, especially as it is a new relationship of a few months and a lot can happen between now and the planned holiday. If they break up and his parents have paid for the holiday then she would feel awful.

She has a job, but has said to me that she would prefer to use the money to go on a holiday with her bf by themselves in the summer. She has tried to politely decline and explain she would not feel comfortable accepting the offer and does not have the money to finance it herself, but feels that this may have been misconstrued that she does not like the family. His family go on lots of holidays and are financially extremely well off. We could not afford to reciprocate and include her bf in any similar financial arrangement with our holiday plans and are not in a financial position to cover the cost of the holiday in full for her to go with his family (which would amount to around £400). I worry that it is placing too much pressure on a relatively new relationship if they pay for her to go now. I am also a bit annoyed that they have placed her in this dilemma. If this was an established relationship and my dd knew his parents better then my dd would feel better about accepting their offer, but they don’t really know each other after only a few times of meeting each other. She has asked for my advice and the situation has made me feel awkward too. What should I say to my dd?

OP posts:
ProserpinaNow · 29/02/2024 17:31

What does the boyfriend say?

ProserpinaNow · 29/02/2024 17:34

It's a good opportunity to teach your daughter how to be politely assertive.

"Thank you for the invitation - it's very kind. However, I don't want to commit to anything in Autumn. It's a long way away!"

idontlikealdi · 29/02/2024 17:35

She should tell her BF that the offer is very kind, she wants to save for a holiday on their own in the summer and it's not doable financially. He tells parents, organises a weekend stay or something, job done.

titchy · 29/02/2024 17:36

Tell her she's right! Why isn't this going via her bf though? Presumably she's explained to him she isn't comfortable - It's for him to let his parents know she won't change her mind once she's declined.

And they really shouldn't be pressuring her Angry

Hellandhighwaters · 29/02/2024 17:48

ProserpinaNow · 29/02/2024 17:31

What does the boyfriend say?

The bf really wants her to come on the holiday. I suppose he just sees it as his parents liking her and wanting to include her. I think he is used to going away with his parents and is from a lovely close family. I agree with others that he needs to be the one telling his parents now that she has explained her reasons.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 29/02/2024 18:11

The boyfriend wants her there, the parents can afford it, why not take the offer at face value and accept?

if she splits with BF then so what, its their loss and I’m sure they understand that’s a risk.

over the years we’ve had many of my 4DC’s friends join us on trips/holidays and them join others. I’ve always offered to pay and I’m not in the slightest bit worried about reciprocation. I want to enjoy my holiday and I want my DC to enjoy their holiday. Company often makes that more likely.

Rollergirl11 · 29/02/2024 18:26

Is it the worry of them paying for her that is making her feel uncomfortable about going? As @PegasusReturns says his parents must realise that there’s a possibility they might not be together by then and it sounds like they are well off enough not to care. Or have other options for filling the place closer to the time. But it maybe if they are still together come the autumn that it will actually be a nice little trip?

If your DD doesn’t want to go for other reasons, like she thinks it’s too soon or she feels awkward, can she give another excuse, like she won’t have enough holiday from her work to be able to go on a summer holiday and that? Hopefully they will be understanding and won’t keep pushing the issue.

Treesaregreen1 · 29/02/2024 18:29

I think she’s overthinking it and should go. If they split up it’s their financial loss. If it’s barely costing her anything then she could still go away with him

timegoesby79 · 29/02/2024 18:29

PegasusReturns · 29/02/2024 18:11

The boyfriend wants her there, the parents can afford it, why not take the offer at face value and accept?

if she splits with BF then so what, its their loss and I’m sure they understand that’s a risk.

over the years we’ve had many of my 4DC’s friends join us on trips/holidays and them join others. I’ve always offered to pay and I’m not in the slightest bit worried about reciprocation. I want to enjoy my holiday and I want my DC to enjoy their holiday. Company often makes that more likely.

Edited

I agree with this

Riva5784 · 29/02/2024 18:42

She feels uncomfortable accepting the offer and has politely declined. That should be the end of it. The boyfriend is BU to put pressure on her to accept.

It's a new relationship, they are still getting to know each other. Sometimes it's hard to navigate these situations where one person/family has more money than the other. It's a kind offer, but she is under no obligation to accept

Clarabella77 · 29/02/2024 18:43

It sounds to me that perhaps the underlying issue is that she is not as sure of her feelings towards the boyfriend as he is of his feelings towards her, hence the pressure.

As others have said it's important to encourage her that it is ok to politely decline. However she may need to have a fairly adult and difficult conversation along the way, and I guess she is worried about opening this can of worms.

Alphyn · 29/02/2024 23:09

ProserpinaNow · 29/02/2024 17:34

It's a good opportunity to teach your daughter how to be politely assertive.

"Thank you for the invitation - it's very kind. However, I don't want to commit to anything in Autumn. It's a long way away!"

This. Support your daughter in sticking to her guns rather than caving in to pressure from her bf and feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

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