60 years ago, children were scared of adults. Now, it seems adults are scared of children?

[JessieZoo]

I've noticed since smacking was frowned upon as not the morally right method to discipline a child, whether at home or by a teacher, like in times gone past. Children seem today to have too much confidence at a young age, and I think this is a bad thing. They know they can get away with ASB or threatening a teacher, but the police can't do anything as the laws they currently enforce are too soft. No fear of consequence is missing in today's world, isn't it?

I don't believe in smacking kids, I find grounding and withholding of toys etc more effective , but I think kids are controlling adults now and know how to manipulate situations to get what they want as they seem they know their rights Kids know they are automatically believed and are mollycoddled and spoilt rotten . That goes for kids of all classes.

When I say respect, it is the automatic respect for people in authority I'm talking about, not the current usage of the word 'respect', which drives me potty. Respect for the law, for adults such as teachers, other parents, staff in shops, school bus drivers, anyone really. Children used to behave, and do as they were told.

Doing what you're told is interesting. People who believe obedience is the goal need to read up on the experiments designed to look at what made people willing to follow and obey the Nazis. And why people behave poorly when given power after not having any. Milgram, Stanford Prison is also interesting.

I'm not looking for obedience in my child. Good behaviour yes, but born of empathy and responsibility.

If some little scrote was kicking my elderly mothers door in, being hit would be the least of their problems

Ok? The OP didn’t mention that, only that kids need confidence beaten out of them, and doing this will prevent unspecified ASB and threatening a teacher. Which is both weird, and oddly specific. 🤷‍♀️😄

I'm willing to bet quite serious money that the criminal children are more likely to have been beaten as children than the non-criminal ones. Almost like child abuse isn't a good thing.

I'm curious as to why a thread advocating child abuse is being allowed to stand. I'm sure women were more obedient when beating us was allowed. Would a thread on that be OK?

Yes I agree there’s a happy balance between hitting and letting children rule the roost! Children need solid boundaries to feel safe and loved.

I think several things have happened all at once;

~ parents in the uk are working longer hours than most parents in Europe and family life has taken the hit

~ children are allowed too much time on screens and are subject to influences and so called entertainment that we the parents have very little knowledge about and half the time they are lost to a world where commercialism rules and our own values are drowned out.

~ screens have allowed us all to be lazier. They can summon up a mind boggling array of information and entertainment at the touch of a button, which basically = reward without effort, and little thought or creativity needs to go in to projects anymore be they connected to home, work, school, friendship. So dc are not really understanding why they need to put effort in to things, especially when they see the world as an uncertain, unrewarding place in rl.

~ our increased awareness of early years development and attachment theory etc has coincided with an extremely self-focused view of parenting where children are encouraged quite rightly to be self fulfilled, full of self confidence and self esteem, but at the same time we are neglecting to teach them to be grateful, to think of others, be respectful of others, and to be aware and generous (within reason) of other people’s weaknesses, and differing pov, and to think beyond their own needs ie character development should be an equal part of the curriculum along with academics.

Children were scared of adults because adults are much larger and could genuinely hurt them. Adults aren't ever 'scared' of children like that (maybe by gangs of older teens, but not actual children).

If you switch "children" for "women" and "adults" for "men" maybe you can see how unpleasant the title is more clearly - same issue of size alone no longer being considered OK as a basis for setting interactions.

I'm 60. I wasn't scared of most of my teachers, they were ok, but I was scared of my dps. I grew up with the basic principle that adults were never to be trusted or confided in. Not a great starting point.

My ds isn't scared of his teachers, more wary of those who insist on homework being in on time. 😀He trusts me completely. 😀

My dad grew up being beaten at school regularly - from the age of 4 would be hit with a ruler. He would never ever lay a finger on a child because of his horrific experience.

@Pr0fessionalLurker this is an interesting point. My parents never beat me but were unreasonably strict which led to me being wild & free when I left home at 18 and being largely unprepared for hairy situations. In response, I was too liberal with my oldest 2 kids (26 & 21). The youngest (17) not so much because I’ve learned a few lessons along the way.

Obviously there is a happier medium …

A distressingly large number of children are absolutely foul and entitled little arsewipes thanks to lack of boundaries.
I cringe when parents say proudly that their children are their best mates or they are more like sisters than mother and daughter etc.
No, you are a parent and play acting you are on a level means you are denying your child a proper childhood.
Parenting is not a short term popularity contest so you can take the line of least resistance.
Telling a child told to live your dream, you can be anything you want to be and all these popular phrases is only helpful if accompanied by realistic views on the hard work that will be needed to actually get somewhere in life.
Smacking is never the answer, developing respect for others especially parents and teachers from the very beginning is what is needed.

My parents were born in the 1950s so growing up, being smacked at school by teachers, and by parents was normal for them. They learned that was the way you discipline children.

Inevitably and understandably, they raised me the same way. I had a few smacks from my mum, never my dad though. He was so authoritarian that I didn't dare breathe in the wrong way. This unfortunately contributed to some mental health problems of my own (amongst other causes) and low self worth. I don't hold it against them though, they were doing what they knew.

Raising my own children, I did smack them on the odd occasion (15-17 years ago) and it was still what a lot of parents did at that time. This was when they were younger though. I then moved onto withdrawing privileges such as taking their phone off them etc.

I look back now and I feel appalled with myself for those smacks I gave them. It actually makes me feel sick thinking about it. I don't think smacking equals having well behaved children at all. So many factors contribute to it such as adverse childhood experiences, the love shown by parents, parenting modelling behaviours etc. I agree with children being obedient to parents and teachers out of respect, unless that parent or teacher is asking the child to do something completely wrong.

Shocking that kids know their rights.

Switch the word ‘kids’ in your post with ‘women’ or ‘person of colour’ and listen to how it sounds.

Totally agree Blackcats

So much of parenting is about saying “no” or managing expectations however positive we try to be. How can you do that properly from a position of equal friendship?

Also, one of the best and most straightforward parenting techniques ever is to set a good example and be a good role model. That’s more about leadership than friendship.

I hope my dds would agree that I am very friendly with them but I am not their friend, and there’s a big difference between the two.

Also my dds have plenty of friends, they don’t need any more, but they only one mother and one father and they are very unique relationships which can’t be easily replicated.

I’m not convinced that smacking, whipping, hitting children achieved well adjusted, well behaved people. I look at the behaviour of 60 plus year olds today and there seems to be a quite a few who have some serious issues.

Also, look at how the baby boomers behaved as teenagers and young adults. Drugs, promiscuity, hedonism, narcissism, immaturity, self centred, contempt and disrespect for their parents generation and their children’s generation and basically any generation that isn’t theirs. etc. etc. etc.

FWIW Fearing adults and complying just to avoid punishment is not the same thing as respect.

I think most parents of today are doing an amazing job and some people are just jealous of that.

@ImustLearn2Cook What a shame you spoiled your post with bigotry and sweeping generalisation of 'boomers'. It was ill mannered and ignorant, and makes no sense.

Speaking as someone born in the last year of the 'boomers', I have never indulged in drugs, promiscuity, hedonism or narcissism. Nor did most of my friends. And I doubt I was any more immature or self centred than any other teen. I left home at 18 and survived without any further parental help from that day on.

I don't regard other generations with contempt, only individuals who earn it.

I am also a parent of a 15yo so am a mother today, and doing a reasonable job judging by ds' healthy cheerful self.

We are all individuals !

My parents smacked both my sister and I.
My mum particularly ruled with fear.
She had boundaries that we DID NOT CROSS, OR ELSE.
I would never harm a hair on either of my children's' heads, but I definitely do tell them off when needed and work hard to instill manners, right from the off. They know what is non negotiable but also they love a good joke and love being teased. I hope I'm firm but fair always.

I have friends whose parenting I seriously question, someone I know has to hide in her bathroom on a regular basis because her 7yr old attacks her. No fucking way would I stand for that!

First post nails it

My mother was caned at school, it ended with her hating teachers and eventually breaking the jaw of another teacher.

I think the OP is an idiot

It takes a village

I think we've lost that sense of community that prevailed when I was a child

Then, if you misbehaved, your mum knew about it before you got home! But likewise, if you fell off your bike, you were dettol'd and plaster'd by your Mum's friend's cousin's dog's vet's Auntie before you got home

If you have to hit someone (regardless of their age) to make your point, you've lost control of the situation.

It baffles me that there are still some people who think the best way to deal with a person who's not complying with their wishes is to physically harm them.
I'd far rather live in an era where parents take a breath and move beyond the base instinct to harm the thing that's annoying them to rationally deal with their problem.

I got smacked at home in the 80/90's. Teachers didn't smack but they did shout/humiliate. I was scared of my parents and teachers.

Consequently when I had children I shouted at them and occasionally tapped their bottoms (as opposed to the cracks round the head I received as a child)

This was over 25 years ago but I am disgusted when I think back.

It really says something if grown adults can not manage children without resorting to anger and violence.

Good parenting involves strong boundaries and realistic expectations of behaviour/capabilities. Good age appropriate communication and lots of positive attention. Building children up to respect you and other adults. You shouldn't have to resort to shouting/hitting. If you can't manage your own emotions how do you expect to teach a child to manage theirs?

Thankfully I learnt quickly on the job how to be a better parent and have (I hope) redeemed myself from those early days. I am rewarded by having two amazing adults dd who love and respect me and who I now consider friends as well as family.

Here we go again....... Surely you have the intelligence to realise that not every parent "beat the shit out of their kids". Mine certainly didn't, nor did the parents of my friends.

I wasn't scared of my parents, but I knew that they meant what they said when they told me off. Too often I see parents telling their kids not to do something, but the kids know there will be no consequences so they just carry on. There are lots of fabulous parents, but also lots of ineffectual ones.

Your post about the baby boomers is a lot of biased, uneducated shite .

While I know smacking children on paper is massively wrong, and I’ve never smacked my children, it doesn’t seem to follow that not smacking leads to good behaviour outcomes for the kids. Children are far less likely to be smacked now than ever before yet they’re the most aggressive they’ve ever been according to some studies and an awful lot of anecdata. They also have worse MH issues and seem like an unhappy bunch on the whole.

Whatever we’ve changed, it isn’t working.