Teen and 80 year old….

[djastral]

My 80 year old Mum lives with my husband, 16 year old daughter & me. She has a granny flat, but we see her every day. Mum is pretty ‘old school’, and my husband and I (57) are fairly laid back. We encourage our daughter to be her and we have a great relationship with her. She tells us everything. However, she’s clashing a bit with my Mum, which, in turn, is causing me to be stuck in between. They don’t fight. My daughter removes herself. It’s my mum who’s the aggressor. The latest issue is that my daughter has decided she doesn’t now want to be a primary school teacher, and wants to do a beauty course at college. My mother said she is “appalled” and that’s what stupid kids do. “There’s no future in that. Beauty is a passing phase. she’s throwing her life away” my husband and I understand that our daughter is not academic and she’d really struggle with uni - in fact, she is not on track to get the grades to get in anyway. She is doing the best she can, and that’s all we expect. I just don’t know how to settle the rift between them as my Mum has really upset my daughter, who is now avoiding her. Mum is stubborn and would never back down or apologise.

I spoke to her and she understands a bit better now, and told me ‘you are much more understanding than me’, but I still feel she now looks down on her grand daughter….

Your mother sounds awful - that must be incredibly damaging for your poor DD’s self esteem. I’d be having words that if this behaviour, judgemental comments etc towards her don’t stop then she is no longer welcome to live at your home. That is absolutely unacceptable and a horrible way to speak to a young girl who is only doing her best. Her career choice is none of DM’s business.

Your mum is out of order, can't you tell her to stop being rude?

Your DD needs some help dealing with your mother's awful behaviour.

I'm pretty much your age, and my own DM would think similarly - but wouldn't say it to a DGC. Would just snipe at me.

In your position I would say 'It's a pity you were so judgemental and dismissive of Chloe's choices. You've really upset her and she's unlikely to want to spend any more time with someone so unpleasant and critical, but that's your own fault. My advice to you is to apologise unless you want to completely ruin your relationship with your granddaughter. Why would you deliberately say unkind things to her?'

I find that people like your DM (and mine) need it spelling out rudely in blunt terms to them - just as they have been rudely blunt to others. If she's upset just shrug and tell her that you were as upfront as she was, and clearly she doesn't like being on the receiving end of it anymore than other people do.

You say, "Mum, if you say anything further to demoralize our daughter, you will be staying in your granny flat and not coming into the house." It is not ok to have anyone denigrate your child, especially when they are already having challenges with what they want to do in life and how to get there. Your mother is a mean cow.

Thanks so much for your comments, everyone. It’s been really helpful.

More money in beauty than in teaching ! Especially if doing nails. I know s few teachers who have left teaching and are now happier and less stressed

Yea I was going to say someone who’s good at any kind of hair/make up etc can make a very nice living!!

The market even for doing bridal stuff (day of weddings for the bride, bridesmaids, MOB etc) is huge and well paid.

Your mother is acting like a battleaxe!

Continue to support your daughter with her beauty course, she is the only person who should be choosing her own future and NOT her grandmother.

Looks like you need to stand your ground with her grandmother as your daughter has to live by what ever decision she makes and if she was to study for something she does not want to do, this will do more harm than good.

She sounds like an amazing young lady and she is growing up in the 2020s not the 1940s, times are very different now

The old fashioned attitude of some of today's older generation surprises me - these were the young people of the Swinging 60s! I was also going to point out the good outlook for a beauty career. Human vanity isn't going anywhere and it's something AI can't do.
Is your mother academic OP? Could she be struggling to connect with different ambitions, or might she be projecting disappointment for her own missed opportunities? It's sad that she's been judgemental and definitely needs a word about not interfering and the way she spoke to your DD. I trust her comments came from a position of love and hope equilibrium will be restored when she realises that her relationship with her granddaughter is more important than her choice of career. Good luck to your DD. She's young and has many options available, and may well change her chosen path several times, and that's fine.

Teaching, especially primary teaching is long hours and low pay.

Yes you need to have a degree to do it but it's a hard job.

There can be a lot of money in beauty and it's a much less stressful job.

I'm sorry your mum is being so difficult.

I agree that you need to protect your daughter. You may need to be extremely blunt to your mum.

It has honestly been really helpful reading all your responses. I realise that my feelings are valid, and that we are supporting our daughter in the best way. My Mum does have a very confrontational approach, but can’t handle confrontation herself…. I realise I probably do need to be quite blunt with her… I tend to go in softly and try to get her to understand that way… which I think does work eventually. Her anger, outbursts and irrationality comes from a place of love, really. She would say she ‘just wants the best’, which she does… but the world has moved on SO much since her time and I think she struggles with that. Things are calmer now. My daughter has forgotten and moved on. She understands that her Grandma can be like this, and she is kind of in awe of how I managed to grow up with a Mum like this 🤣 thanks everyone

Your daughter might have moved on but I doubt she's forgotten about it. Unkind, nasty words stay with you.
Stop pussyfooting around your mother and tell her directly to rein her nasty unhelpful comments in.