Where has my lovely boy gone?

[MumofLandD]

Please tell me it gets better! I don't even know who DS13 is anymore. Sometimes I get glimpses of the old him but generally he is just grumpy, moody and sits in his room on his phone. He goes off to football training regularly but other than that getting him out of the house is an effort. Dragged him out today whilst DD was at a party and took him for lunch but he just moaned that I was talking too much and taking too long to eat.
He swears, which drives me mad, and shouts at me when he is angry so I take his phone from him for the disrespect and then he is even more grumpy with me. We used to be so close and I know that he doesn't speak to his dad the way he does to me (we split 2 years ago and share custody 50/50).
I try to be strict with him and his behaviour but even tonight he has told me that 'I'm not right in the head' and this is one of the things that his dad used to say to me so he knows it upsets me.
What happened to my lovely boy?! Is this what all 13 year old boys are like? Some of my friends are.struggling with their teenage boys behaviour and other seem to have nailed it.

even tonight he has told me that 'I'm not right in the head'

Fuck no. Don't you dare let him get away with speaking to you like that ever, EVER again. I would tell him right now that if he ever speaks to you so disrespectfully again he will not like the consequences.

Put a stop to this now or he'll grow up to be a misogynist just like his father.

Thanks yes I have told him that. He (and his sister) heard their dad say way worse to me and I have explained how upsetting it is for me to hear it again and that is why me and his dad split up.
I do worry how the things he heard have affected him.
I have no back up from his dad behaviour wise and his dad let's him have pretty much anything he wants so it is quite difficult for me in that sense.

His dad sounds manipulative tbh.

Was his dad abusive to you in other ways? Seeing his father speak to his mother in those terms will definitely have impacted him. Do you suspect his father continues to speak about you in a derogatory way now? You could take some advise from Womens aid, although I can imagine that offering your son support via a service like that may not be appealing to him. You never know though, sometimes teenagers, boys particularly, just want adults to try harder to reach them and show they care - you need to see beyond the surface behaviour (which I know you are trying to do).

I'm so sorry, this sounds hugely upsetting. No, not all 13 year old boys are like this. I have one and he's lovely. I wish I had words of advice but I don't know how I would deal with this. I hope you get helpful advice from others. Sending a hand hold. I'm a divorced parent too and can imagine how hurtful it is that he's not like this with his dad. I'm so sorry.

His dad 'only' abusive emotionally to me but I can see some of his behaviours in DS when he is angry. I feel as if he says these things to get a response out of me- he is always very apologetic to me and often very tearful and ashamed afterwards.
I don't think his dad manipulates or bad mouths me to the children- it's quite complicated actually. It got really bad towards the end of our relationship and the gas lighting and emotional abuse was very obvious and I realised it had been going on for years. But he is the typical narcissist in that other people can't see it and were very shocked we split up so he is unlikely to do or say anything that blows his cover. He still denies he said any of the things he said to me. He actually said my therapist should be struck off for believing my lies (she was the one who helped me see what was going on) and I should be locked up or medicated. Imagine saying that to the mother of your kids! And in front of them!

I'll talk to DS again in the morning about behaviour, boundaries,.etc. I feel.like he is crying out for extra love :(

Poor kiddo. His model of how men behave towards women will run quite deep, hence those behaviours coming out at times of stress. It’s good he’s upset when it happens and you can help him understand the source, to minimise the shame aspect, whilst holding the boundary and making it crystal clear that it’s unacceptable. It’s worth remembering that boundaries are containing for kids, they want to know we are in charge and have ‘got them’ emotionally, despite all appearances to the contrary that they want to run the show, they don’t really.

I’m struggling with my 13DS but he is awaiting assessment for ADHD/ASD/PDA so has a lot of complex needs on top of all the changes of puberty! I feel sad when I see photos of when he was younger as he looked happy/smiling and enjoyed life so much more. These days it’s hard to get him out of his room and away from a screen 😫 I feel I get on his nerves too and it’s harder to connect with him now.
My older son went through a bit of a grumpy stage during puberty but was an easier kid altogether so I think personality does come into it.
I just hope he comes through the other side as a teenager with all the good traits he has and leaves the horrible mood swings behind 🙏

@MumofLandD I have a 13 yo son I share care with and I totally understand. His home environment with my ex-husband and his wife and his home environment with myself and husband are very, very different so it is hard to set boundaries at times.
The way he speaks to me sometimes can be triggering for sure!
But I try very hard to let him know that he is very much loved and make sure we find some quality time together just me and him, even if it's just watching something on the TV or going out for a burger etc.
Ateotd they just want to be loved, even if they're going the wrong way about it ❤️