DS17 Worry

[rainbegone]

My DS17 has met someone online and has met up with her twice in the last couple of months. He gets the train and meets her in a city midway to where they both live.

I'm not worried about him going and meeting her, but I am curious to understand why two teenagers are unable to form a friendship or relationship irl and have to meet online?

He is a very secretive person and doesn't talk about things at all and even then he doesn't always tell the truth.

He's spoken to my husband (his dad) a little, about where she lives, name, deferring uni etc. He said that he bought her flowers the last time he met her and she bought some lego. It all sounds very sweet and I'm not knocking him. I'm just struggling to understand why they need to meet someone on line and is this more common than I think?

He doesn't go out and doesn't really have any friends apart from a few college friends, but then they only pop out for lunch during college. He works, so has that outlet.

He used to have lots of friends at school and then when he was about 14/15 something happened and he literally had none. Even his best friend since he was 2 stopped including him in things. Anyway, thats another story!

He's such a lovely, lovely boy. Thoughtful, generous, funny, loving and kind, loves spending time with us, but I worry because he's secretive and I have no idea what's going on inside his head. I don't know if he is happy or sad because he is very good at hiding his feelings.

Advice would be welcome and would love to hear similar situations.

Apologies for the rambling and thanks for reading!

Secretive is normal for that age. Or they tell you want they think you want to hear.

Who you meet is more important than how you meet.
From everyone I know with young adults, meeting online is completely normal and spontaneous irl would be highly unusual.
They tend to know more about each other before they ever set eyes on each other. So I think there are pros and cons to this.
Secrecy is normal my parents knew nothing of me at that age, they would have killed me with embarrassment, no secrets now.
Your poor son losing all his friends suddenly! 😱 That's horrific, I hope he's ok deep down.

Hi, I’m not a regular poster but I felt I had to come to support how you feel.
My daughter is also 17 and at college and has a really wide circle of friends, mainly female, but at the minute the only way she can chat to boys in a relationship way is through Snapchat… and that’s just a massive head blowing minefield..
It seems that this is completely the norm and the thought of actually going out as we did as teens is just not done.. boys at college won’t speak to girls there but will message through Snapchat..

We are currently living an emotional rollercoaster with the ghosting/ liking/ meeting / blocked scenarios so I just wanted to reassure you that it’s not because of his few college friends, more that it’s just the sociatal norms of their generation. All of my daughter’s friends are in exactly the same position.

I would currently be delighted if my daughter was talking to your son as he sounds an absolute delight - so hopefully this girl is lovely too. I’m having to trust my daughter’s judgement and I’m lucky that she’s open, but I’m sure your son will tell you all soon.

You are not on your own and I hope this reassures you.

It’s a really tricky age. You need to be supportive whilst cautiously watching. Make sure he knows she can come round, your house is open.
And most importantly try to keep lines of communication open.

Thank you everyone. I realise teenagers can be secretive, but he cant even communicate something as simple as he went to McDonald's for lunch with college friends or he's bought some new jeans online. I don't understand it but am finally realising that is how he is.

Thank you @Keepingafloat74 your post is lovely and I thank you for taking the time to reply. I do sometimes think that by DS not having any friends or by not going out that we're not living the rollercoaster that you and your daughter are living! I hope that this gets better for you both.

Thank you @ArchetypalBusyMum- You are right..."Who you meet is more important than how you meet." I hadn't really thought that.

I think he's okay. He never shows any sign of being unhappy and I just have to hope this is the case and he's not just putting on a brave face.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply, it really does help

It’s far easier for nervous or anxious teens to speak to someone online than it is in real life. If he’s happy and she seems nice (and legit) then I don’t see an issue with it. Just look at the rise of online dating - the world is a very different place these days. Frankly I think it’s a bit odd for you to question why he ‘can’t’ just meet someone in real life? Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable, maybe he doesn’t want to, who knows? He’s 17 and it’s his decision. If he really wanted to meet someone in real life he would, he probably just doesn’t fancy it and that’s fine.

Thanks for you input @MaloneMeadowFrankly I don't think its odd at all for me to wonder why my son finds himself unable to meet someone in real life. Also I don't recall saying why he ‘can’t’ just meet someone in real life.

I didn't say I had an issue with it. As I said, he doesn't give anything away or hint at anything, he's not particularly shy and shows no sign of being anxious and I was curious to understand why he feels he can't meet someone irl.

I worry that there might be an underlying issue that I don't know about given that he had friends at school and then all of a sudden he didn't and still doesn't have any friends now.

Yes, going through this just now. DS met his girlfriend online. He is 17, she is 20. We live in the UK, but she lives in America.

They have been chatting online for 18 months and she is visiting us right now. I chatted with her parents on a video call the weekend before she arrived. They seem absolutely as normal as my family.

DS and his girlfriend are getting on brilliantly. Busy sightseeing, been out for meals, taking lots of selfies together on their trips.

DS already planning to visit her...