14yr old DS in trouble with police, vaping and lying

[oOmoonhaOo]

I’m at a loss of what to do.

We’ve brought him up to be active, polite, respectful. He’s always been quiet and nice. Never had any bother, not in to violence and always been easy to get on with for every one including school friends. Teachers have always said he’s lovely.

But he’s in year 9 now and he’s changed so much, in to this person I just don’t recognise!

October I started getting more and more phone calls from school about his lack of engagement in class and Low level disruption. Which I dealt with by putting in a more structured routine for school work at home and no longer allowing him out with friends on school nights.

November he’s been in school isolation a couple of times for being cheeky… we’ve put in consequences at home for this including grounding and removal of phone.

December we find a vape box in his room. He says he bought one just to try and doesn’t have it anymore. I search his belongings and room, nothing found. I stop giving him cash for when he goes out with friends. Have conversations about vaping.

January we receive a phone call from school to say that he’s been reported by another young person for going round to his house, playing knock and run, shouting and making people feel intimidated in their own home. He’s also been seen on CCTV entering an abandoned building, and the police have been involved…. I am so cross and upset… especially for going to someone’s house!. We’ve taken his phone off him, all screens from his room, all independence… he’s not allowed out for the foreseeable. After a week I gave him his phone back and allowed his girlfriend to come round.

Feb a police officer came round to chat to him about the abandoned building. Some of the kids had caused considerable damage and were being charged for burglary. My ds wasn’t there at that time due to it being a school night. He dodged a bullet. But I’m still so cross!

Today dh walked in to his room and he’s sat on his bed vaping!!

I have no idea what to do any more. He just lies constantly, he acts like he doesn’t give a fuck about anything.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Is there any mileage in moving schools? Sounds like he has got into a group where this is the way to be cool. Kids are hugely influenced by their peer group.

I don’t want to minimise ds’s actions as I am holding him fully responsible for what he has done or is doing… but! I think he is being influenced by peers.

He only started going out independently in the summer. We live in a small quiet village so he meets up with friends in the local town about a mile away. It’s such a quiet rural area. Bit this also means that there aren’t many friendship choices… there’s 400 kids in his whole secondary school! 60 in his year…. It’s in a village, which feeds a rural catchment.

There is a boy in particular who lives 15 miles away in a much larger town… with 3 secondary schools, and is driven in each day because he was kicked out of his local one. DS and a couple of others have become good friends with him. Even the police officer said to ds that he should stay away from him as he is not a good influence… it sounded like the police had history with this boy.

I really don’t want him to move schools as the next one is 10 miles away. But it has gone through my mind.

I think that friendships are very influential at this age. In such a small year group you have no chance of keeping them apart. Your ds chose this friend and is responsible for his own actions but there is no doubt the friend's approval will be a key part of him pissing around at school and in the community. I would be making it difficult fir him to maintain the friendship outside of school.

Tell him that he better get bloody good grades to make up for this much pissing about, and that if he ever brings police to the door again you will go apeshit and he will regret it.

A lot of this is teenager stuff. I think it's ridiculous the things police come out to kids for theSe days.

We’ve taken all independence off him. No more hanging about in town with friends.

I think winter has been particularly hard. It’s his first winter where he’s been allowed out when it’s dark and there’s just nothing to do. I naively thought he was hanging out on the prom with friends listening to music. I had no reason to think he was getting in to trouble.

He’s really looking forward to lighter nights so he can go fishing and ride his bike… this is how he’s always spent his childhood!… being active and outdoorsy. Until now!!

DH is also tempted to drive him to and from school so he can’t be on the bus or hanging out at the village shop in the morning!

He better bloody has get good grades!… This was said to him at the start when he was messing about in school!

His Easter exams are coming up in March so that will tell us how he’s doing. He’ll have no excuse as he’ll be stuck in studying from now!

is it reasonable to keep him from independence until the clocks go forward?!