Fed up with lazy teenagers, is it just the way they are, should I accept it?

[Astridastro]

I have four teenagers aged from 19 to 13, the 13 year old isn’t too bad but the 3 older ones do nothing, they are so so lazy.

DC1 is 19 and granted has mental health problems, she had to leave school at 17 1/2 and has done nothing since. She doesn’t leave the house so no college or no job. She could get some sort of benefits but says she is too scared to apply for them so we pay for her basically. She sleeps all day and is up all night.

DC2 has just turned 18 she’s at college 2 1/2 days a week, the rest of the time she’s at home doing nothing. No hobbies apart from gaming. Doesn’t go out, doesn’t see friends.

DC3 is the same almost 16 and a carbon copy of DC2. We get them each to do a chore each day so empty the dishwasher etc and it’s like we’ve asked them to paint the house!

Today I was talking about and planning a holiday, it was like pulling teeth. Where are we going? I don’t know if I want to go? What’s it like there? They basically cannot be bothered thinking about it. Two of them are now adults and we pay everything for them, DH and I are out working full time and they are so lucky we are able to pay for them.

This. How they’re behaving should never have even been an option. Of course with sympathy for the mental health issues. None of them should receive any money until they do their share of chores, and the older ones shouldn’t get any money, they need to work and contribute

OP - what were your teenage years like? The same? Or different?

I do agree that if you treat them like children then that's exactly what they are going to act like.

Two of mine have mental health issues (one hospitalised for a long period of time). They have to work and if not well enough apply for benefits. We also work on a normal work day so not gaming all night or not helping. Why should I do Everything for them?

You need to start laying the law down or this is going to be your reality for some years to come.

I am with @RootVegAndMash tbh.

This sounds so hard. You need a break and so do they. Are there household things to do that they could cherry-pick just to take some small load off you? Like if you map out the week, could they pick a day when they might like to cook for everyone (with menu agreed by everyone in advance) and go and get the ingredients?

Can I live at yours? I’d like to lounge around all day doing nothing too.
Your expectations of them are way too low - adults should be paying their way and contributing to the smooth running of the household. If oldest is truly too unwell to work or volunteer then she needs to be claiming benefits to contribute to her keep and you need to have a clear plan to get her out doing something positive to work towards a future career - sitting around at home isn’t good for her. Don’t your college students have part time jobs? If not are you bank rolling their lifestyle? Are you working full time and then coming home and cooking for them? One night a week each to shop and cook and clear up a meal (13yr old with help) stop providing more than basics, set an clear expectation for how adult children not in education contribute financially to the household. Or you’ll be here in five years with 4 adults living rent free and dossing about doing nothing.

Stop paying for everything. They are old enough to get jobs.

DD1 used to attend 4 sports clubs, at one point when she was 15/16 she was competing at competition level gymnastics, she was very sporty growing up. Good at swimming, running and dancing too. We were always ferrying her around at one point, she used to be a lovely sociable girl then it all stopped, she’s agoraphobic now with severe OCD. She cannot leave the house so all this talk of volunteering or getting a job won’t happen. It takes her all day to have a shower it’s literally heartbreaking to watch. The other two used to go horse-riding but lost interest.

To whomever asked about my teenage years I was the exact opposite, I grew up in poverty with an abusive mother. I got given nothing I had a part/time job as soon as I could I think I was baby-fitting at 14 (times were different then).

@Astridastro but you are letting your eldest needs override your expectations for the other children.

Am wondering why? Wouldn't it help her to see everybody pulling their weight? And interacting/ working/ Socialising?

@Astridastro
As a mum to a child with mental illness, I completely understand what you are going through.
What is normal parenting for typically lazy teens cannot be applied to mentally unwell young adults and teens.
Is she getting any medical support for her OCD?

Don't they have social lives?

This is not just the ways things are and I don't think you should accept it.

My DD is 17 and does volunteering, has a job, extracurricular activites and a full social life. All her friends are the same tbh.

I have always limited her time on electronics tho so think this has helped.

Your 3 who aren't unwell need strict boundaries and to have the law laid down in terms of expectations. Your 17 yo needs a job and pronto. Bumming about doing sod all is not an option for her and she needs to be told this in no uncertain terms.

You need to get help privately for your 19 yo. As far as im concerned, she doesn't get to wait to see what the NHS is doing for years on end when you can afford private. She's only going to get worse if you don't.

@Astridastro you may have grown up in poverty, but im confident this gave you a drive. You knew no-one was coming to rescue you. If you come from nothing and want to make something of yourself, you have to do it yourself.

I'm from a poor family too (tho no abuse)...I knew there would've been no one to "help" me cos there was no family money to fall back on.

You are enabling this to a degree.

Mine are 14 and 17. They are expected to empty the dishwasher, maybe put laundry on, occassionally hoover, feed cats, put recycling out which they do with varying amounts of eye rolling or tutting. However if I ask either to go to pick up a few items from a shop (10-15 min walk) you'd think I'd asked them to trek Everest! They usually refuse even if its to get something for them to have for breakfast for example.
DD is going to uni this year but is very ambivalent about getting a summer job to contribute towards it