Fed up with lazy teenagers, is it just the way they are, should I accept it?

[Astridastro]

I have four teenagers aged from 19 to 13, the 13 year old isn’t too bad but the 3 older ones do nothing, they are so so lazy.

DC1 is 19 and granted has mental health problems, she had to leave school at 17 1/2 and has done nothing since. She doesn’t leave the house so no college or no job. She could get some sort of benefits but says she is too scared to apply for them so we pay for her basically. She sleeps all day and is up all night.

DC2 has just turned 18 she’s at college 2 1/2 days a week, the rest of the time she’s at home doing nothing. No hobbies apart from gaming. Doesn’t go out, doesn’t see friends.

DC3 is the same almost 16 and a carbon copy of DC2. We get them each to do a chore each day so empty the dishwasher etc and it’s like we’ve asked them to paint the house!

Today I was talking about and planning a holiday, it was like pulling teeth. Where are we going? I don’t know if I want to go? What’s it like there? They basically cannot be bothered thinking about it. Two of them are now adults and we pay everything for them, DH and I are out working full time and they are so lucky we are able to pay for them.

You need to take control of the situation. Make it clear what you will be paying for and won’t. Make it clear what you expect from them.

You can apply for PiP for your 19 year old. I have an ASD 17 year old, we applied for PiP for her. She got the full award. Also if she’s not working she can claim income support or whatever it is now.

You read much about the “drama triangle”? You are putting yourself in the rescuer position…stop doing that, you are enabling them to be lazy. Be assertive, lay down some house rules, demand your 19 year old contributes financially towards rent etc.

Well you’ve made a rod for your own back really. Some really tough love needed - or - is there some neurodivergence going on with all of them… ? dc1 needs to take control of their own life, mental health etc and either sign on to benefits or get a job. I know it’s not easy, I’ve got two dc, one 11 with severe autism and in a specialist school and one aged 21 who is very lazy if allowed to be.

It would be sensible to invest some time into thinking about what do they need you to do be supported towards independence.

Forget the dishwasher.

Focus on the bigger stuff.

Can you spend some time with the 19 year old and get the benefits forms done. If necessary tell her you will do them for her and just get her to answer questions etc.

Mental health needs - is PIP a possibility?

Then sit and think about dc2. Where does the college course lead? Is she going to be able to get a job?

You have created this by cuddling them and doing everything for them.

I’d be asking the question as to why they never go out.

This is the root of it all. Are there all ND?

To be fair, I work with teens and most of them are like this. I actually saw a charity sector report that effectively said "we are not going to recruit teen volunteers anymore because of the resources it takes up when they don't turn up or don't do what they volunteered to do".

Not sure what background you have, but in working class 90s we were expected to pay board to mum as soon as we were 18. Board was only equivalent of £150 a month on our house though. Nowhere near enough to cover our actual costs, but enough to make us get off our arses! Maybe you could do the same?

She sleeps all day and is up all night.

That jumped out at me. That’s doing her no good at all and ensuring she will never improve. I had significant mental health challenges when young and still managed to get a very part time job and slept at night. There will be things she can manage and it’s those things that build up into bigger things and eventually larger improvement.

You say they are so lucky that you and husband pay for them, but is this the case?
I am a lone parent to two teenagers, youngest left school at 13 due to panic and anxiety disorder, however he has studied hard at home and now taking his A levels this summer as well as holding down a part time job.
I am a lone parent and can't afford to carry him, we all need to do our bit. My eldest left school at 16, went into various full time apprenticeships and willingly helps me out financially and with jobs around the house. We work as a team, we have to otherwise we would sink. You need to make your teenagers more responsible, MH issues or not.

DC1 huge mental health things going on she has a care team and is finally getting help after over a year of me getting on at her. I offered to pay for therapy privately but she said she wanted to see what the NHS would do first! We’ve started the benefit firms twice then she’s not went any further with them.

DC2 eventually applied to uni on the very last day, she was even so lazy doing that I had to nag and nag at her. She thinks she going to move away from home, get a job and pay for it all herself. She cannot even get round to getting the application in on time without getting reminded repeatedly.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast oh I know and totally agree but short of dragging an almost 20 yo out of bed by her feet what can you do? We spoke to her CPN about it and got advised to leave her be, if we leave her be she gets up at 3-4pm!

ok so DC1 has horrible problems and glad she is getting help but I think you still need some long term planning and boundaries in place. Unfortunately the other DC are seeing how DC1 is treated and are mimicking and wanting the same easy life

Can you turn the wifi off at say 5am etc and then slowly bring it back to 3am so they get into sleeping at night

I would be cautious about what you pay for but it must be hard as you are trying to help DC1 and therefore can’t have too firm boundaries but still some are needed for the family as a whole

What’s she going across the night? The first thing I’d be doing is making sure there was no internet access.

OMG…..I am speechless. Instead, who don’t you encourage her to ask her children to make her children learn the value of hard earned money? By pulling pints or sitting on the till ?

Start by sending DC1 for volunteering so that they get a reference and then to a decent earning job. DC1 should become an inspiration to DC2 and DC3.

From the later post by Op is is quite likely that at the moment her eldest isn’t well enough to work. If that’s the case that’s exactly what the benefit system is there for. Hopefully not as a long term thing in this case but as a stepping stone to support her while she gets the help she needs.

You’re treating them as infants and then wondering why they’re acting like it. It only takes a bit of common sense to come up with a few obvious ideas of how you can get them out of their beds and act like at least half functioning human beings. What you’ve allowed them to do would not be an option in my house

I would go for holidays without them. They don't need to rest and relax, you do!

Sorry, I just wouldn't allow that. Be considerate of the mental health problems but call a meeting and sort it out. Don't mollycoddle them, it makes things worse in the long run not better. Stop all food except boring essentials, switch of the WiFi, don't do their laundry, don't be a taxi service unless they have earned it.

Teenagers are only lazy if you allow them. I work with plenty who are not, and some of those are ND or have anxiety etc. One of the best treatments for mental health is outdoor exercise. Get them walking the neighbour's dogs if nothing else. Or Parkrun.

I'm glad you say dc2 has applied for uni. As you say, she might be unrealistic about it (many kids are) but at least she is planning to get out there and do stuff.

With respect to them being lazy, it is easiest to get teens to do stuff around the house if they see the benefits for them. Emptying the dishwasher is a classic that nobody wants to do.

You might do better asking them all (possibly with the exception of dc1) to do their own laundry. Get them some ikea bags and an airer each and make a video showing them how to use the washing machine. You can sell it to them as learning independence ready for adult hood.

Also means they never have to ask you "where is my X" again!

With dc1, I think some posters are assuming low impact mental health problems. There are mental health problems like schizophrenia or psychosis where the person has very little contact with reality and people with these mental real health problems can come across very badly to others. We don't know what the mental health issues are so I think it's unwise to assume a bit of tough love will solve it.

In terms of your 19 year old, the chores are the last of your problems imo. Its absolutely unacceptable to not be working or studying imo. In terms of mental health, I'd imagine it would improve significantly if they actually did something with their time. That would be my main focus.

What was family life like when they were growing up? Organised or everyone just given food, marched off to bathroom, then bedtime and ?

Seems they have grown up not to have any interests in life, just addicted to internet activities - did you model good cheerful , real , useful life to them?

short of dragging an almost 20 yo out of bed by her feet what can you do?

WiFi off and phone removed at 10pm.
10am, bedroom door open, curtains open, window cracked, lots of lovely household noise.

Before the 'but she's am adult!' cries start, I treat people like adults when they act like it. If she wants to act like a teenager she'd be treated exactly the same as the 13 year old.

We have found with teens you have to run what they say through a sort of mental translator.

So stuff like:

I guess/if you want to/we could (in response to a suggestion you make) = that sounds good. I'd like to do that.

The above, but instigated by them = PLEASE don't leave me out. This is REALLY important to me!

Ugh!! I can't possibly do that! It's too much! Why are you always asking me to do stuff! = That is mildly annoying. I'll do it by the deadline you've given me.

(Note that the deadline is STRICT - if you say do it by tomorrow, they will do it at 11pm tonight. It's more effective to give a short deadline, like "before you go out")

OK, I'll do it later = I have instantly forgotten and have no intention of doing this. (Actually they probably do have the intention, but they will instantly forget anyway).

And yes, I would sit down with them each individually and make a plan.