Back off or try to repair damaged relationship?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My daughter turned 16 in November, went on the pill, and morphed into the antichrist. Only with me, mind. She's ok with Dad & brother as they mostly steer clear of her. She's got a steady boyfriend of 6 months too and she's sweet as sugar to him, that's a completely different relationship.
We'd had a good run up till then, talked regularly each day, shopped together, she'd even jump in the car just to chat when I was picking up Dad or brother. These days I can't say or do anything right. I know it's a phase, and in a few years she'll hopefully a bit nicer. However, I'm finding if I adopt husband & son's avoidance technique it really helps. I missed our closeness at first, but was reminded how rude and obnoxious she is and thought 'I'm not up for spending time with someone like this'. If I can spend more time with friends, colleagues, husband, son, people who value me and are nice to me (I'm menopausal, and sometimes worry things are my fault when they're clearly not) it makes me feel better. I feel like her accusations that I'm nagging were unfounded but recoginse that's what it feels like to her, and wanted to be less in her face, let her live more independently. However, the lack of communication between us isn't healthy. We are further apart than ever. Although I prefer it to the spiky responses, I've got more experience and shouldn't be modelling avoidance as a means of dealing with difficult relationships. I suggested changing the pill, but she won't consider it because she's gone up 2 cup sizes and is on cloud 10. What else should I be doing? I felt like I knew what I should be doing but now I dont. Am I being reasonable to back off and just maintain a 'here if you need me' kind of relationship. I love her very much and I don't want to let her down.

Hi just wanted to show support. These are tough years. You sound like a great mum. It is so hard when you lose that closeness. I try and just savour the rare moments when we talk and also am always on the lookout for small points of connection, even buying a favourite sweet, offering a lift somewhere, or asking their opinion on something. We listen to the news in the car and I will ask for their thoughts. Sometimes I make off-colour jokes to try and make them laugh. I am told this passes but I am in the midst of it too. Good luck.

It's also possible this side effect of the pill - irritability - will lessen in time. It did for my daughter.
Also, as in many different periods of our lives, you have to remember that this is a phase. Like when they had a sleep regression, or toddler tantrums. It feels like they should be beyond phases like this at 15, 16, 17, but they are not.
I think it's good that you have backed off a little, I realized it was helpful when my daughter was at her most irritable. It doesn't mean it's forever; she's been less triggered by me in the last two months or so and we've become closer again.

@lifesrichpageant huge thank you to you for that. It does bring comfort to know you understand, though I'm very sorry you're having this to deal with too. You sound like you're managing it well and it gives me hope.
I suppose in the back of my mind I'm concerned that if its too much on her terms, she'll have a sense of entitlement that's unrealistic and might sabotage other relationships. Its a tricky balancing act!

@incognito50me Thank you so much for that. It gives me hope that the pill might settle down, as it did for your daughter, happily. Some of it is definately hormones caused by microgynon, but some of it is definately thwt stage yoy mention where they're pushing back to establish their imdeprenence. I also think the boyfriend has exacerbated it. Not personally(hes a sweetheart), but about 1am last night when everyone was in bed I heard noise down stairs so went to investigate. I could tell it was daughter in the kitchen as I heard her sweet-talking the cats. I turned to go back upstairs and she came out out and said 'You cant leave me alone for 1 second, can you...always following me' I told her id not seen her since 6pm, when she took her tea upstairs and wanted to be sure the cats werent let upstairs by accident (they wake the house playing and rap on our doors to come in our bedrooms!)

I told her I was keeping out of her way to let her be, but I'll still be here if you need me. She said shes finding it intense and stressful, and hard-going, as boyfriend is very full-on and its her first relarionship, compounded by studying for her GCSE's with a desire to score high because she wants a scholarship. She hasnt as much time for her sports which is affecting her, (we used to chat in the car on the journeys too, as shd played 6 days a week) Its all a bit much, really, and she works sat & sun afternoons at a park cafe so its all very busy.

She says her batteries run low and I'm the one in the firing line as its me reminding her to put a bobble in her blazer, me telling her its time for sleep, me asking her to put any dark laundry out, me checking what time shes invited boyfriend over...you get the picture!

My daughter went through this, and I just backed off a bit. Let her do her thing with the odd I'm going shopping fancy a nice coffee out etc. she turned a corner and now she nags me for time together at 20! She's lovely again but it was just a phase , not one I liked but by not forcing her we came through it

After reading this I am going to say something obvious but she does sound really tired. Teenagers won't typically say 'I am really tired/stressed' but will bite in this way, generally to their closest family member.

Is it worth encouraging her to look at her diary? Does she have to work every weekend, can't she work one day a week? Can she see the boyfriend less? Sometimes they need encouragement to prioritize...

This is what struck me, too. Does she have a consistent bedtime? It is difficult for them all - not much time, and a wake/sleep cycle that is often out of sync with when they have to be up for school. My daughter still has downtime limits on her phone (it turns off at 11 pm, so that she's asleep not long thereafter).

@Charliesunnysky10 , it is a very positive sign she can articulate what is bothering her and what feels like too much. It bodes well for her adulthood and for your current and future relationship.

@socks1107 I'm so glad youre through the other side and things are better. Its gives me hope we will get there too. Its a really good suggestion, coffee/shopping and she has a dress arriving that needs a bra so I've suggested we go to the Trafford Centre when it arrives. Its good to know that a combination of backing off AND offering kindness works too. Thanks so much.

@incognito50me One of the things she objects to is my bedtime policing. I have to stay up myself to ensure she's settling down by 11, yet 20 mins later shes still messaging boyfriend. Ill be exhausted and be hissing at her to get off the phone and sleep. He's nocturnal, and he says an insomniac and I've joked that she can be a good influence and encorage him to sleep when she does, at 11pm. However they're very close indeed and she doesnt like leaving him because she knows he'll not sleep and either overthink something or chat to a fellow noctural friend. He always looks tired and drawn. Since my backing off, I go to bed earlier but will wake hearing her in the bathroom after 11. I've explained how vital sleep is for so many tjings she wants - to look good, perform well at sport and exams, but I can't make her get 8 hrs in. Do you have an app to make your daughters phone go off...I cant help thinking it will cause issues if she's mid-convo with Prince Charming.

One thing that bothers me is that she says she sometimes feels sadness she cant shake and that shes nothing to look forward to. I pointed out all the things this weekend and next week she has to look gorwards to and she agreed its not that bad. Ive asked her to keep a note of things, plans, memories that make her happy but shes not into what she considers 'fluffy' stuff like that. Its one reason why I havent backed off in the past. She wants independence and to be left alone but, she needs positive human interaction around her to thrive. Again i think the decrease in sport and the hormone changes from the pill are exacerbating factors.

I agree its good she can verbalise these feelings, and its another reason I shouldn't disappear from her life, just because it makes mine easier.

Both DD and I have iphones, so I just use the screen time option in settings - you can set up her devices to turn off at a particular time. You can also make sure there are apps that are always allowed (for example, her tram pass, calculator, calendar). This way, it is never me who tells her to put down the phone, she knows she won't be able to snap/tik tok/whatsapp after 11 pm.

There is something similar for android and google phones, but I don't know what the apps are called.

@Travelban You're spot on. She's a bit overwhelmed, but poor time management is a contributing factor. She'll disappear down a rabbit hole, looking at clothes on Depop or videos on TikTok. She only sees the boyfriend once a week in person or at the bus stop in school for 10 mins. However they're a couple of chatterboxes and will facetime for an hour or more each evening. I was hoping after 6 months the novelty of eachother would be calming down but if anything its the opposite. I can hear them discussing if 25 is too young to start their family but 30 too old if they want to have 3, with a 3 year gap between them, as I'm next door in the bath.

I agree re prioritising and we agreed if she drew up a planner, filling in her mealtines, sleep times, study times, work times, sports training etc so she knows what needs to be done & when, I'd back off reminding her to do her homework or knocking on her door after an hour chatting to boyfriend about where they'll live in the future, and get some study done. The planner also manages boyfriends expectations if he knows she's studying 7-8.30. However I'm not convinced shes sticking to it, and we know it doesnt work if you don't. They are devoted to eachother though and reducing tge time together would be unthinkable to her - but she needs to not keep answering his messages during her study time. She objects strongly when I suggest she tell him she'll be back on at 8.30 and pop the phone in her wardrobe so its not calling to her.

With her job, she's rarely rota'd for both weekend day afternoons, usually 1 or sometimes none, the money is very good and she loves being able to fund her own lifestyle. I also see her walk out of there 10 feet tall when i pick her up and her team are lovely to her - older but very inclusive and caring - she didnt work the 3 weeks she had her mock exams and they sent her acard filled with good luck messages in the post. I'm keen she keep that up, it's just a case of ensuring she sticks to her planner times and doesnt let the screen time run into the study/sleep time. The agreement was she can take charge and I'll stop reminding her, if she makes the plan and sticks to it, but I dont know that she is. Or how to check she is. Or if i just have to trust her judgement.

@Charliesunnysky10 Sounds like you sre very very clued up, but I am glad some of the advice on here resonated. There isn't a magic formula with teens but you are helping and getting theough to her, which I am sure will be massively helpful.. good luck with it all.. and yes they need all of it don't they... the jobs, the boyfriends, the sport, the studying.. but sometimes it's all a bit too much and that's ok as well!

It sounds like she is very busy and also very tired.

Presumably she is in gcse years?

It sounds like she might need a bit more downtime to rest and relax to be honest. If you are trying to enforce a timetable of a very strict work regime and are hoping she will stop talking to her boyfriend to do presumably revision - or maybe you are going in and trying to get her to move on in person?

At 16 and with the pressure of school she does need rest and recreation and really a 16 year old should have a few hours spare to go down rabbit holes on you tube.

Equally, trying to get her to go to sleep at 11 is going to be tricky. Many teens don't naturally go to sleep that early - mine were often up until 12 or 1 but fortunately my ExH was an owl as well so was up with them.

Is she on track to do ok in GCSEs? Is that one of the reasons you are worrying about her work schedule?

One reason I still control her downtime is that she can tell her friends/BF that I turned it off - meaning, she's not the mean uncaring one not answering their messages after 11pm, it's her mom.

She puts her study times in her calendar and puts her phone on "school mode": meaning, she only allows certain apps to be active, turns off notifications. Her BF knows that if she doesn't see her messages, she is studying. All in all, she spends less time "trying to study" or "knowing she's supposed to be studying" and more time actually doing the work now that the notifications are off.

We left it a bit late to implement all this (ages 14-15), but we realized she actually needed our help in setting these boundaries and stepped in. Again, once she could say it's her strict parents demanding these measures, it went over better, and now she's mostly internalized this, as it works better for everyone (and I nag much less when I say work is getting done, which might be the biggest plus in her book).

@Octavia64 It's really good to get your take on things - thank you.
I wasn't worried, because, at the end of the day, we're only going around that sun so many times and it's important to enjoy as much of life as we can. I'm a big believer in that.
She was on course for her target of 9 in every subject at the Y10 summer exams. However she began dating J (boyfriend) start of September and in the Jan mocks, she dropped from 9 to 8's in 3 subjects. Teachers aren't concerned because they said mocks were harder, and she'll get back on track by the Summer. But I know she spent much more time studying before September, and involved us, when she asked us to test her. She doesnt do that now. And I get that she has grown up. Unfortunately mid way though her mocks, J fell out with best friend (L), who said J was spending all his time with my daughter. Possibly in anger or jealousy, L said J could do better for himself than my daughter. She found this out and since then has focussed on J, buying new outfits, spending more time on make up and hair, being there for him 24/7.
I'd not want them to break up, but I'm not sure she prioritises her time well, and has switched focus from GCSE to J. She seems to be choosing the instant gratification of 'I love you' messages over her exams - and she will need to show consistent high performance if she wants to get into what was her dream career.
So, yes I'm a little concerned, because if it goes south with J, and she's not got what she needs at GCSE, it will be a shame.
Also I do need to bear in mind if she hadnt studied so hard in yrs 7, 8, 9, 10 she'd not have got all those grade 9's. Most of her success comes from being a comitted grafter with high hopes for herself. When the work recedes, so does the success. Like most of us, she can't rely on natural ability alone.

You know, just typing this has made me realise, its the fear of her throwing 5 years hard work away, and potentially sabotaging her plans for further ed that are causing the flashpoints. She isnt afraid because J is her future, but I'm not convinced thats a sound plan.

@incognito50me That sounds like a good system, really positive progress and I think its come at the right time, not late in the day at all - maybe you have to see the need for something before you can accept a solution.

I'm happy to be the bad guy, and pitched it to her this afternoon and she said all her friends and boyfriend know me and she told me they dont believe her when they complain about their parents and she joins in about me.

I mentioned doing the school mode and she said she's still using Flora to ensure she stays on-task.

I don't think this has anything to do with the pill. Her relationship doesn't sound particularly great if he's messaging her late and night and she's already feeling like she has to manage his emotions for him. Then all this stuff about the friend being jealous etc.

It's a difficult one to broach because you don't want to drive her away from you towards him.

@Cocacolacarrie Hmmm... see I think he's a bit needy sometimes. His parents focus on the younger sister who's a singer/dancer and full time job in herself. He feels a bit surplus to requirements and so likes attention of his own. However while he's a self-proclaimed overthinker, he does have quite the magnetic personality. His best friend was bereft when he took up with my daughter and even the sister is angry and upset because they were close and now she says he's always with my daughter. Hes obviously had quite a significant connection with both sister & best friend for them to feel so upset when he finds what they consider a replacement.
I also think my daughter is aiming to match his energy/intensity - it's not all him.

And you're right, they're not easily parted. Particularly now its sexual. I think the balance of power shifted slightly when his friend said J could do better. She felt on the back foot and like she had to raise her game because she considers him 'the one'. We've all been there.
She says he wants her to do well and reassured her that 8's are good - he'd be well happy with them but that's irrelevant -they're 2 different people.

To be honest, i dont want any major disruptions in the next few months so im not going to to rock the boat. He IS very sweet, but just a bit intense.

Edited to direct the reply 😀

Flora seems like an even nicer way to accomplish what my DD's school focus does, @Charliesunnysky10 . Your DD seems to have a good head on her shoulders. We all need to learn how to navigate relationships and they can get so intense during teen years!

I think she'll get it together for her exams, she's shown you for years that she's a hard worker. In my DD's case, the roles are a bit reversed - her BF is the better student. However, during their first six months together, his grades nosedived as the future school selection decisions had already been made at that time and his head was clearly not on schoolwork. My DD, then, for a semester, had better grades than he did (her grades had stayed the same).

He's back to his normal self now, crushing it in school. The school they are both in - from this school year - is selective, so managing to stay in the course is not automatic. She's doing just about well enough for now, but definitely not as well as he is.

@incognito50me Thank you! I do hope so. Peer influence is such a big factor.

I hope they all do really well; you seem to have a good relationship and the ideal balance.
Ive had such good advice here - no exvuses for us 😁