Please help! Teen no boundaries

[Bantam1005]

Sorry for the long post!
My DS is 13 and I just don't know how to deal with his behaviour anymore. For context, his dad passed away a few years ago and he has a stepbrother (14) and a stepsister (12) and his stepdad. He has good relationships with them all and is a lovely, polite and caring kid most of the time.
He's been accessing porn sites, we've had very frank discussions with him about it being unrealistic, exploitation in the industry etc and he has safe filters on his phone so he can't access it on there. He was also downloading apps and chatting to strangers online (and he's given out his number). Again, we've talked about internet safety, grooming, etc. and I've removed the apps and blocked the numbers.
He took my iPad from my room without asking and used it to watch porn and download the apps again.
I then found that he's been messaging various girls obsessively, calling them constantly (unanswered) and sexting with one girl. She'd then messaged him to say she wasn't interested and he's called her every name under the sun. It's vile, quite frankly, and I just can't get my head round it. He's quite young for his age in a lot of ways but started puberty before a lot of his friends. We talked to him about boundaries and healthy relationships, being respectful etc. but I feel like I can't trust him with his phone and I'm worried he's going to get himself in serious trouble.
I've found this morning that he's been accessing porn again on YouTube on the TV in his room (which he shares with his SB) and I'm honestly at my wit's end. I've spoken to his safeguarding lead at school and referred him for counselling etc but I'm just completely at a loss. He's got no concept of boundaries, privacy or respect.
I know it's freely available and chances are he's going to see it but it's like an addiction with him and it really worries me that he's watching extreme stuff and that he's leaving my other 2 vulnerable to seeing it as it's on shared devices. He's also shared some of the explicit messages with the girl with one of his friends with no thought for the consequences.
I don't know what to do!

I’m normally very anti phone bans but in this situation I think it’s going to be the only way to fully stop him from doing this. Frankly I’d be concerned about him getting an unwitting girl into trouble, especially if he’s pretending to be older than he is. Get him a flip phone so that he can contact you if he needs to at school etc and leave it at that. No internet capabilities or anything like that

If he’s accessing it off other devices like the iPad and smart TV then you need to put restrictions on your WiFi so that over 18 websites are banned completely. It can’t have been YouTube that he was using to view porn - they are very strict in policing content like that so it wouldn’t be available on their site.

I found your post whilst searching for help with some similar issues.
I'm trying to adjust my router settings and had hoped to find ways that I can track or watch what's being watched!
I have told mine that I can get a monthly report of all the sites visited from the supplier if I want - which had quite an affect! (Shame I can't!)

Hi op. Look up the Lucy faithful foundation Shore website for young people

Shore is a new site specifically aimed at younf people who are behaving in sexually harmful ways online

Ita a horrible situation to be in. As you know your son may end up in trouble with the police if this continues.

There are apps that fully monitor all sites visited. Qustudio is quite good. But its not the full answer as he gets older he needs to change his behaviour

It sounds like he is addicted to porn.

Whilst I'm sure you have done your best, I suspect there could be an element of recklessness due to loosing his day as a child - I've seen it before. Speak to a specialist bereavement charity and see if they will organise some sessions where he can confidentiality speak to someone, it may not be the whole solution but it could help