When your DC met "the parents"

[Lwrenn]

Shit thread title, sorry.

Chat last night with DP, our eldest is 16 and just brought home a lovely wee girl to meet us.
As they're both inexperienced with relationships and this is a first for them both I was saying how I've suddenly realised how important our role in this is to DP.
My son has had things such as consent, safe sex, never pushing boundaries and all the important stuff drilled into him.
So it never occurred to me that besides being friendly and welcoming I'd have to do fuck all really. But then I thought of my own teenage experiences meeting shitty mums and I think it's more than that now.
This relationship will set the tone for her future ones, so when they mature and likely move on to other relationships I want her to have had a good sense of how any of her future bf and their family should treat her.
So many posts here on shitty mils who overstep, bully their dil's, creepy fils, mils who bypass their DS and dump extra work on dils etc or don't listen to dils requests or boundaries. Aren't respectful or even remotely welcoming.
Isn't it an absolute honour to be the first boyfriends mum?
I can support my son to navigate his relationship here, setting her up for life that she never should tolerate any form of belittling, abusive behaviour. He is now the standard that should be met.
And as I'm the first mum, (I made that sound like first lady! 😂) hopefully she'll know from here on she's not to be disrespected and this helps her to end up with an approachable and friendly MiL who doesn't behave like she's the enemy or some kind of servant.
So say if she meets a boyfriends mum who makes her feel uncomfortable for whatever reason she can fall back on, "lwren never made me feel this way, I deserve better treatment, just because she's bfs mum, I still am an important person who is worthy of respect here".

I hope my dd's first relationships mum makes sure my dd feels comfortable to say yes or no to things she may or may not want, to be able to ask should she ever need anything and never be made to feel embarrassed.

We see a lot about a village here and in my wee dickheady brain I think that if we as women take a conscious step to make sure our young people entering relationships are guided to be as respectful and also only tolerate respect given, then we're doing a wee bit to help them all.

DP told me I was an overthinking mad hippy and to go to sleep because I sprung this on him 2am 😂

Anyway if you have any advice/stories to share with me please do, I'm interested in how those of you with teenagers dealt with these new horizons x

I absolutely agree, my first bf’s mum was lovely and made me feel more worthy than my own mum did 🙁 you mention village and I really feel I was raised by the village as a young woman- lots of strong females made me who I am today and although my DSs are younger I will try to do the same

Oh gosh. I’ve recently been in a similar situation. I see my role as limited to be honest, I want DS to be the one that sets a good standard for how she should be treated, based on his own values.

I more see myself as a purveyor of hospitality and lifts, a friendly face when she sees me add then keep well out of the way as much as possible. She’s always made to feel welcome in our home, but I like to think that’s true of any of our DC’s friends.

In the kindest way your husband is right.

Just be yourself and stop being so try hard. It'll make her uncomfortable and you'll be left weeping when they go their separate ways.

I am like this with all his friends in fairness but whilst I'm not doing anything more than the hellos and smiles, it's more making sure that she has a female in the house that makes her comfortable and I do hope that sets a standard.

I'm not doing anything extra and I've already said from my OP I'm expecting it won't become a marriage or anything 😂

My best friends mum I still visit regularly did this for me - it really is the kindest gift to give a teenager, a sense they're worthy and not just a pest.

I keep out the way obviously, they're 16, but they're made to feel welcome and safe to be here.

I'm not like sitting with them or anything 😁

I can support my son to navigate his relationship here, setting her up for life that she never should tolerate any form of belittling, abusive behaviour. He is now the standard that should be met.

This is very important, but it is also true that boys/men can be the victim of abusive, controlling female partners. I hope you speak to your son about that, too. Learning to recognise red flags is so, so critical, whether you're male or female.

Absolutely! Because we've discussed that always though it's not a new thing for us but I am seeing pals of his in situations I'd genuinely never allow. I wish more parents discussed healthy relationships and as you say red flag behaviour.

Thank you for being like this!

I am a mom of a DD, who's been with her first boyfriend for going on a year now. His mom has been wonderful to her - inviting her to have dinner with the family, talking to her, and making sure she knows they (the parents) approve of her. Nothing out of the ordinary, just including her in family life when she's there, and now also inviting her to go on vacation with them. Being a nice person - I think that's what you can do, and what you have been doing, for your son's girlfriend.

I hope I've been equally welcoming to their son, whom we also approve of.

My stepson is 17 and has been with his GF for nearly a year. She comes over to our house maybe 2-3 times a week and they generally just hang out in his room.

He's a good lad and we've brought him up well so I trust he knows right from wrong when it comes to treating someone well in a relationship. My DH has given him to whole "I'm too young to be a grandad" speach. In a light-hearted way.

Aside from that we've both kept out of it. We'll say hello and goodbye as she comes and goes. We always offer her dinner which they always just eat in his room and she had new years dinner with us at the dining table.

We've always tried to be friendly without being overbearing.

It’s important to be more than a passing friendly face. My DS (ASD, very inflexible) has a tendency to be controlling, I left his dad for similar behaviour and have often pointed it out to him, that the way he’s speaking to me is unacceptable etc. He’s been the hardest of my 3 kids to parent!

One time his GF came downstairs and told me he was being mean to her. I sympathised and apologised, then advised her to tell him she wasn’t putting up with that and to go home (she had her car here) as she didn’t need to be around him when he’s being like that. I also asked her to seriously consider the behaviour she was willing to tolerate in a relationship as I’d been trying to get him to be more respectful for 20 years and it hasn’t worked, so I can’t see him changing.

I didn’t exactly tell her to dump him but I made it clear that I didn’t condone that behaviour and supported her. I was glad that she felt able to talk to me and I hoped for her sake that she wouldn’t put up with it.

They did later split up and I’m sure that must have had something to do with it. He’s now with someone who’s a lot more outspoken and I think would challenge him in that situation, so good luck to her!

DS can be lovely but I see so much of his dad in him (and his dad admits that too, when he’s struggling with his behaviour!) so I don’t feel totally disloyal. Hopefully as he matures he’ll realise the world doesn’t revolve around him. In fact he’s currently servicing my car for me, so he does have good points!

I've navigated this and you just take the lead from your dc. Polite, friendly, welcoming but not overdoing it, it's a balance. We are at meeting the in laws to be stage now!

Firstly your username is incredible and secondly thank you so much for sharing, my ds is autistic so he does ask for advice etc and I hope like you I never blindly just support him if he ever shows problematic behaviour.

@mitogoshi I'll be so nervous at this stage but I have told the wee lass her mum or dad are always welcome to come say hi and make sure she's somewhere she's safe etc and we're not a environment they'd not choose for her, I worded it much more casually.

I remember getting my first period at my boyfriends house and told his mum and she told me to not sit down without sitting on a bin liner. I rang my guardian at the time and she picked me up and just made everything so much better and less shameful. I just think I'd have had much better boundaries as an adult had I had a nicer experience with boyfriends mums.

I'm definitely not overbearing at all, I just really want to get this right for them both.

Now why couldn’t I have gotten you as a mother in law. I hate mine. And she just so happens to have been my first boyfriend’s mum. You sound delightful. Mine is a spiteful old bat.

casually just sticks mil under the patio

You're mine now hen 😁

I absolutely agree and my husband and I had a difficult relationship with our families for cultural reasons so it's very important that we are open and welcoming to our sons GFs.

I have always been open, friendly, to girl friends, but tried to maintain im still a mum too not their friend. I also importantly call out my son when his behaviour is not acceptable for example if he is moody with his GF because his tired, and encourage him to be respectful and responsible

I really hope in the future i will be a good MIL

@noclouds I'm sorry it was difficult for you both. I don't see my mother in law anymore, I tried for over ten years to just grit my teeth but she said something disgusting about me and it was actually DP who was done. He said there was no way (MiL was abusive physically to him and his brothers) that our kids were growing up hearing me being spoken to like that. He sent her a actual letter not text/email so it she could see it was handwritten and I couldn't be blamed. She replied with "that cunt made you write that didn't she?" Over text so she's blocked. His letter just said essentially "I love you but this has gone too far and until you've had some anger management I'm protecting myself and family from you".
His brothers are all NC with her anyway so I feel sad her existence is so lonely but she's to blame.
My mum is a pain in the arse and we've had a very turbulent relationship but we do love each other dearly.

I'm sure you're gonna be an amazing MiL! 💐

I could have written this but in reverse!! Both DDs have first boyfriends currently. I do go out of my way to be friendly with both and they do both feel so comfortable now that they fit in our family life... join in at the dinner table, conversations around the island, board games, helping to clear up and put things away after dinner, set the table, etc..they still spend a lot of time in their rooms too btw!

I do talk to daughters and helped them navigate some aspects. Of course its just ny advice but its geared always towards mutual consent, being kind and respectful.

I see it as my role to help them have the best possible experience. Of course it helps that they are both really nice boys who I like having around. I hope their mums are the same with them, although both daughters much prefer bringing the boys here, so we have them 90% of the time....

@Travelban awww! It's lovely isn't it?
My DS is now taking more of an interest than he has previously in cooking etc to show off a bit now. I've tried for ages to teach him how to make basics, a decent pasta sauce, cheese sauce from scratch and he's shown zero interest, now... Well now he's marcus wareing he's got a girlfriend to impress 🤣

@Lwrenn haha that really made me chuckle. It's good he wants to impress her! I am sure the two boyfriends are grumpy teenagers at home whilst really nice and helpful whilst around here! 🙂

I am sure the young people really appreciate the supportive parenting. I am sure I will be the same with DS' girlfriends when they get there!!

It's wonderful to hear about parents being so thoughtful and supportive😍

Thank you for posting.

Awww I love your kindness. IMO you’re absolutely right about setting the standard for her going forward. My DD’s first boyfriend was the youngest of 3 boys, no girls in the house. DD wasn’t included in his birthday dinner, didn’t receive a xmas card, xmas gift was late and same again at Valentines! Who doesn’t send their 15 year old girlfriend of 6 months a valentine card? He didn’t last much beyond Valentine’s Day. He was a really nice, polite boy and I totally blamed his mother for his lack of thought around DD.

I will add that when they broke up I cried. You have a young person in your home on a weekly basis, make them feel welcome, invest time in them and the next thing you know they’re gone. Don’t underestimate how upset you may well be.

Aww, I'm so glad though your DD knew her worth and didn't put up with the lack of thought on his part. It is sad though!
My eldest has saved his wages from his Saturday Job alongside bankrupting me to make sure his wee girlfriend has her favourite drinks and snacks here, it's very cute. But definitely not something he'd have thought to do without me asking him to think of ways to make her feel comfortable so you're right, your dd's ex wasn't give any guidance was he? Hopefully, he's learnt now that girls are growing into strong women with self esteem that means they're not tolerant of being an after thought.

@CrikeyMajikey can I just ask why you blame the mother and not the father in that situation? His mother brought him up to be nice and polite - the fact that he didn’t treat his GF with the kind of romantic kindness you’d expect suggests he never saw it from his father.

Aww, I wish you were my MIL!

My boys are tiny and I hadn’t really thought about first girlfriends yet. I will absolutely following your advice when the time comes though.