Compulsive lying - need help

[BlueEyesUltimateDragon]

Hi all

DS12 is a compulsive liar. He has been this way since being small and I have read endless articles on how to help stop it. The lies can be big (being bullied/friend hurting him/damaging his own property etc) or small (not brushed teeth) and it's like he just can't help it, the lies come very naturally, he will double down if you give proof as to why its a lie and he will do all he can to convince you it is you, not him.

I have done everything I can, constant calm conversations about why it's important to be truthful, consequences of lying for him and others, much less trouble to tell the truth etc, we have had a behaviour chart which helped slightly but I'm not convinced he really stopped lying altogether but I was grateful the big lies seemed to stop for a while.

I've just absolutely blown my top as he has lied to my face and I'm at my wits end after years of it. I caught him lying on Monday and told him if he lied again, he would lose his xbox for the day. Well that has happened and he is hysterical, says I am unfair for taking the one thing he loves apart from us and he was actually howling at one point. If you ever ask why he lies, he says either he doesn't know or he thought he'd be in less trouble.

I genuinely don't know what to do now and I'm wondering if it is time to seek some professional help? I am really really struggling, as is DH (been around since DS was 4 and DS chooses to call him dad, going to start adoption proceedings etc)

Additional info: DS's bio father was also a compulsive liar and it was a very emotionally abusive relationship (I left when DS was 18 months and he has had no contact since, his choice) and I am the first to say I am extra bothered by lies but this is excessive by any stretch of the imagination. I have often wondered about the nature vs nurture argument and I worry he is just destined to be like this. I want to help him to become a successful, happy, functioning adult but his lying persists and will cause problems as he gets older I believe.

Please can anyone give any advice, where can I go or what can I do about it? I am admitting that DH and I can't do this alone any more and I am devastated feeling like a failure of a parent.

Examples of lies:
Came home saying he had crashed on his skateboard (no scratches or injuries) and it broke, upon inspection it had been smashed on the ground, all wheels removed by tools and thrown in different bushes. Another kid told their dad that in fact, DS has been saying he wanted a new one and so he started smashing it on the floor and encouraging other children to join in before coming home and saying it he'd crashed.

Came home from school and said another child had taken his homework out of his bag and ripped it up so couldn't give it in. Repacking his bag for him, homework was in there, in tact. He then said he couldn't find it in his bag so thought it would be better to say it was wrecked.

Said another child had been unkind. V surprised as this child appeared very placid so gently questioned a little bit, the story got more and more wild (actually bullying for months, been v.unkind to DS and his younger DD, said he'd "get him" etc). Said I'd have to speak to child's mum and he was happy for this to happen etc and at the last minute it all came out as untrue.

These are a few of the biggies but it is daily about homework, doing chores, changing underwear, never his fault if he is in trouble at school (low level disruptive things like talking etc), brushing teeth, washing hair in the shower, sneaking sweets, etc etc

Not everything is autism, but this could be. I have come across some children with ASD for whom their first instinct in a conversation is saying something grammatically correct and socially acceptable - one has a parent the same. The lies are automatic, but not because they are automatically lying, if you see what I mean, but because truth comes a long way down on their list of priorities when formulating a response during a conversation.

I imagine it is a bit like being in a language exam all the time, when you don't care whether the content of your responses to the examiner are truthful, you only care if the language is correct and the answers are realistic

I agree professional help for your DS is necessary. I’d take him to a psychologist. There are mental conditions that do cause compulsive lying- personality disorders, even OCD can cause it, or an anxiety disorder.

I am leaning towards the anxiety disorder as you mentioned his reason for lying about the homework was because he thought it would be better to say it had been wrecked than he had lost it or handing it in. That indicate he was anxious about the homework for some reason. Anxious of being criticised for irresponsibly losing or forgetting where it was, or afraid he hadn’t done a good job on the homework and afraud to hand it in to be graded.

Skateboard, anxious about saying he wanted a new one and having to convince you to get him one. Not that you’re scary, but an anxiety disorder makes even the most seemingly easy tasks like asking a loving parent for something terrifying.

@SummerFeverVenice @sharptoothlemonshark
Thank you both for your responses. I have often wondered if something is underlying but he functions very well at school (socially and academically) so it's never been flagged. However, emotionally, he is a total wreck. He has always been very quick to cry and it is always loud and (sometimes) a little over the top. He can't cope if he has any criticism for example a if a teacher tells him he got a question wrong in maths, he just shuts down and it's like he can't accept that it was wrong and he doesn't take it as help. In y6 the teacher worked hard with him on his resilience and he made good progress with it at school but the fact Still remains. We have only recently got to a point where he will willingly ask for help with work if he needs it. Homeschooling during covid was horrendous because of his refusal to accept help and I was actually a TA at his school so knew all the ways he was being taught etc. He would still come back and try and say that's not how they are taught - it is! I worked there! He is a perfectionist and struggles to give up or take a break, even on his online games. DH and I have to go and tell him to take a 5 min break because he can be crying and shouting.

Another factor is the abandonment of his bio father. He doesn't remember him and he is settled with DH as his dad but it Still stands that he was essentially given up and bio father doesn't acknowledge his existence. He sees his paternal grandparents occasionally though. He also used to tell lies about seeing him "my dad took me swimming there" "my dad gave me this for dinner one" etc. He hasn't mentioned bio dad in years though.

Am I best seeking help through school? GP? Privately? I feel like this is a very pivotal moment in his childhood and I want to give him the best tools I can to cope with the upcoming teen years.

The NHS will mean years long wait, even suicidal kids often wait months. If you can go privately I would.

He is in dire need of help and I agree that the abandonment of his bio dad is a trauma that is likely exacerbating his mental issues.

These can all be helped though with the right talking therapy and perhaps anxiety medication to help with his emotions.

I wish I could give advice but I don’t know anything other than he needs a good psychologist. It doesn’t sound like he is lying to trick you or to be malicious, it may be rooted in fear/anxiety and perhaps maybe he makes up lies to hide what he thinks are his flaws? He knows he lies and knows you know he lies, so that is predictable he knows the result will be you gently and lovingly trying to correct him.

He may feel safer using lies as a smoke screen because he knows you still love him even though he lies, but what if you find out these other flaws he perceives about himself and then stop loving him and leave him too? He may fear he is unlovable at core because of his dad leaving him. There is a hole in his life and I really feel for him, you, his step dad, his friends, everyone.